# Embody Your Power Podcast - Episode 8 Anger: Our Boundary Bodyguard
# https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zNdY14v6Cg  uploaded 20230919  1880s  views 37

[00:00:02] hi I'm Danielle Karen and in this podcast I'm going to share with you knowledge and tools that I believe should be accessible to everyone their fundamental and essential to Being Human embody your power is an integrative model that Bridges science spirituality and ancient wisdom to give you the resources needed to live your fullest potential as a psychotherapist for over 16 years and now as a coach I help people know reclaim and embody their power on all levels it's my mission to help you connect to your unshakable resilience to know true power and freedom to be Sovereign and to remember your divine nature if you're wanting to learn tools to release layers of conditioning heal from trauma feel at home in your body have inner peace expand your capacity for Joy connect spiritually and take a journey

[00:01:07] with me to embody your power then this podcast is for you thank you for joining me together let's raise our Consciousness to help evolve Humanity many of us have been on the receiving end of anger we know how painful it is when someone else's pain discomfort disgust or even hatred is aimed at us anger is generally seen as a bad or destructive emotion because of how much suffering it can cause rarely do we learn that anger has wisdom and how to work with anger in healthy ways anger can be utilized to create healthy boundaries and restore our power when we're able to create boundaries with others and others respect our boundaries we feel a greater sense of safety and relaxation navigating relationships and the world anger is what will let us know if anyone

[00:02:11] or anything threatens or violates our boundaries it's like a boundary bodyguard anger looks out at the world for any threats to our boundaries anger also looks Inward and sees our core self and knows that we're worthy of respect and protection and that our boundaries are essential for us to be true to ourselves and thrive what do you do when you feel angry some of us vow to never express anger we might refrain from expressing any anger because we don't want to cause anyone else the pain we've experienced or we fear that if we express anger the other person will retaliate we might suppress our anger because it was an emotion that was shunned in our family or culture or we keep a lid on anger because we feel like we have so much anger that if it came out we might seriously hurt someone commonly we don't express anger because we never learn to do so in healthy ways

[00:03:16] on the other hand some of us may feel comfortable expressing anger even if it's destructive to our relationships maybe it's a way to prevent us from feeling vulnerable or perhaps it's a way to feel powerful when we aren't connected to our true power if anger is driving us around we can become so self-protective that we're not able to let in people and things that are nurturing nourishing and beneficial to our well-being for some of us it's what's familiar as it was a common way of communicating in our family sometimes we take our anger out on others or ourselves in destructive ways some of us might pick fights with others in order to release our anger we might feel compelled to hurt others with our anger maybe we use anger to feel a sense of power or control one of the worst forms of anger meaning one of the most harmful expressions of anger is when we ignore someone

[00:04:20] when we ignore someone we're not giving them the decency and respect as another human being we are obliterating them into nothing we can also turn our anger inward on ourselves we might turn anger inward toward ourselves because we were not able or it was unsafe to express the anger toward the person who hurt us or violated our boundaries even if we could have expressed our anger toward this person we might have known it wouldn't have stopped them or it could have made things worse so we can end up stuffing it down or actively taking it out on ourselves we might be trying to keep the peace with those that hurt us by being angry at or hating ourselves we try to create some sense of control for ourselves over something extremely painful and out of our control as children on the receiving end of anger it's safer to make themselves wrong or bad rather than those that they are dependent on for their survival

[00:05:25] right the world can become a very scary place if we believe that our parents are harming or abusing us turning anger inwards towards ourselves comes with a great price it can result in self-hatred that at the extreme end can lead to suicidal feelings and thoughts misdirecting anger towards ourselves is the deepest abandonment of ourselves many of us will experience all of these ways of relating to anger and will Express anger in various ways depending on the situation however if we're suppressing our anger turning it inwards or allowing it to take us over and drive us around we haven't found a healthy relationship to it Sharon salzberg who's an American Buddhist teacher shares her experience with the Dalai Lama what do you think about self-hatred she asked when it was her turn to bring up an issue for discussion she was eager to get directly to the

[00:06:27] suffering she had seen so often in her students a suffering she was familiar with herself the room went quiet as everyone awaited the answer of the Dalai Lama looking startled he turned to his translator and asked pointedly in tibetan again and again for an explanation finally turning back to Sharon the Dalai Lama tilted his head his eyes narrowed in confusion self-hatred he repeated in English what is that take a minute to imagine growing up in a culture that didn't experience or have any words for self-hatred now let's take a look at anger as a personal bodyguard and understand its wisdom anger orients around what needs to be protected and what needs to be restored anger your boundary bodyguard is looking out at the world and watching for any real or potential boundary violations what are boundaries

[00:07:31] boundaries are lines or limits we set to communicate this is what I'm okay with and this is what I'm not okay with we have many types of boundaries the obvious ones include physical and sexual boundaries around our body we also have boundaries around all of our senses what we can hear taste touch smell and see we have spatial and energetic boundaries there are boundaries around our beliefs and values our spiritual and religious beliefs as well as the people and animals we care about we all have these boundaries however everyone is sensitive to them to varying degrees we're all entitled to our boundaries and drawing a line around what works for us and feels good and what doesn't physically and sexually we're all different in what kind of touch or contact feels good and what doesn't auditorily the volume of the music may be just right for one person and too loud for another person

[00:08:33] our olfactory scents might find someone's perfumer cologne offensive while the person wearing it finds it to be one of the most Pleasant scents some people might not enjoy the taste or texture of certain foods While others love them we may have boundaries around what we want to see for example some people enjoy horror movies while it disturbs others spatially we might have a distance that feels right to us when we're around another person depending on whether they are lover friend mother co-worker or stranger we also have energetic boundaries we may sense into the energy of a person group or space and know whether it feels right or not also people can have parts that are energy vampires we also have boundaries around our beliefs and values and we can feel it when someone is being disrespectful we don't need to agree with other people's beliefs or values but we can be respectful

[00:09:36] a parent can impede on a child's spiritual boundaries by withholding love and acceptance If the child doesn't practice the same religion or if they have some different beliefs about God using any belief or religion to be aggressive towards someone else is a boundary violation I believe we're all unique expressions of source and source is here to have a unique experience through each person we all have free will to have our own unique experiences and perceptions we're here to honor the unique way that Source wants to move through each person as long as they're not causing harm we have boundaries for protecting people from being harmed when someone disrespects or violates any of our boundaries our boundary bodyguard will stand up and be protective of us it will let us know through feelings and emotions that what just happened was not okay our anger is alerting us to our boundaries it wants us to take action by either asserting our boundaries or restoring

[00:10:38] our boundaries boundaries are an important part of embodying our power I'm not advocating the use of boundaries as a way to be a victim if someone disrespects or violates our boundaries our goal is to find our way back to feeling empowered for example let's say someone's uncomfortable with any kind of touch if another person reaches in for a hug or bumps into them with no intention to cause harm we're not wanting to use our boundary around touch to attack the other person or feel like a victim if someone was intentionally trying to harm us and we were assaulted it's important to make space to hear from our parts that felt victimized and hold the pain of the experience and it's important to find our way back to feeling empowered by connecting with our core self likewise I'm not advocating the use of boundaries as a way to try to have power or control over another person for example let's say someone has a limited food diet or food allergy and

[00:11:41] they use that as a way to have power and control over others by not allowing anyone else to choose a restaurant to eat at now let's look at who the boundary bodyguard is protecting and how does it know we're worthy of protection anger knows our true nature it knows that we're inherently worthy of love and being treated with respect anger knows that we're worthy of respect and protection even when we didn't receive these messages from our families if anger didn't see you as I neatly worthy of being treated with respect then it wouldn't care if someone crossed your boundaries and you wouldn't be angry if anger has been suppressed we can be giving our power away and allowing ourselves to feel insignificant therefore when we have low self-esteem or don't like ourselves it's important to look for where or how we may be suppressing our anger on the other hand if anger takes over and drives us around we lose our power

[00:12:43] because we lose touch with our core self anger is trying to alert us to our boundaries this is why we want to make sure we're open to what anger is trying to communicate and to not suppress it when we are in right relationship with anger it can help us experience love and compassion for ourselves and connect with our innate worthiness anger can also help us restore our boundaries so that we can embody our power let's explore ways to work with anger we can work with anger as a part throughout this podcast you've heard me talk about Parts anger is a protective part of our psyche it has an intention to help or protect you it's afraid that if it didn't get angry you might get hurt in some way now let's see if you can get an image of the angry part when you feel angry work to separate from the part so that you can access your core self

[00:13:45] you can learn more about how to do this in episode 5 and 6. notice how you feel when you separate from the angry part you may need to ask a number of parts to step back in order to access your core self energy once you are in your core self ask the part what its intention is to help or protect you remember this is different than how it's going about it help the angry part feel seen and heard by your core self for its intention to help you notice what it's like for the angry part to feel seen and heard also it's important to speak for your angry part rather than from it this would sound like a part of me is angry versus I'm angry at you can you hear and feel the difference when we speak for the part we can stay connected to our core self now once you're able to separate from the angry part and access your core self

[00:14:49] then we can respond to the situation in a way that's in alignment with our true self and our integrity now once we're able to separate from the angry part and access our core self then we can respond to the situation that is in alignment with our truth and our integrity the angry part tells the core self how it feels what boundaries were threatened or crossed and how it wants to help however it's important that we don't allow the anger to jump into the driver's seat and react this is where anger can be harmful for example let's say your core self is driving your car and the angry part is in the back seat if someone cuts you off in traffic and almost causes you to get in an accident for many people the angry part is automatically going to jump into the driver's seat and start expressing some expletives saying OMG WTF what an a-hole there may also be a scared part that got

[00:15:52] rattled during that incident the work is to separate from the angry part as soon as you can to get your core self back into the driver's seat your core self is the most present wise and resource to keep you safe we don't want the angry part in the driver's seat once you feel more calm and present with your core self in the driver's seat you can help the angry part feel seen and heard you can ask it what's your intention to help or protect me right now it might say I'm trying to make sure you don't get hurt when you're sitting in a car your boundary around your body extends to around the car as well so if someone gets too close it threatens your boundary your core self might respond to the angry part by saying I hear you that was scary and I don't want us to get hurt either it's best if I stay in the driver's seat another question you can ask the angry part what do you need from me in order for you to trust me and to relax in the back seat the angry part will need to trust that you can take care of things in order for

[00:16:54] it to stay in the back seat the idea is to help the angry part feel seen and heard and to help it trust your core self so that it doesn't jump into the driver's seat there are ways in which we make ourselves more vulnerable to people violating our boundaries when we're seeking others love or approval we may sacrifice our needs around boundaries for another person this makes our boundaries more permeable thus the other person may get away with disregarding ignoring or violating our boundaries and although we may have avoided confrontation or gotten someone to like us we now have an inner conflict it doesn't feel good to sacrifice ourselves we're hurting parts inside of us this will eventually lead to resentment we can also hand our power over to others when we expect them to know what our boundaries are rather than telling them what they are now the angry part may be alerting you to another part of you that's allowing your boundaries to be crossed for

[00:17:57] example if you have a people-pleasing part or a part that's lonely and is craving attention these parts may sacrifice your boundaries in order to get some other need mat-like connection this can look like seeking attention from someone who doesn't treat you well but your parts override your boundaries about how you're treated because they want connection and they don't want you to feel alone the wisdom of anger is that it will let you know that by doing this you're hurting another part of yourself and it will attempt to get you to put up boundaries so that you don't hurt these parts that will feel the pain of being mistreated putting up a boundary can be as simple as saying no however many people do have a hard time saying no why is it important to assert your boundaries speaking up for your boundaries and not overriding them is essential for your mental emotional and physical well-being as well as for nurturing healthy relationships and personal growth it's a key aspect to self-care and

[00:18:59] self-respect enabling you to lead a more fulfilling and Balanced Life let's look at some more ways asserting boundaries is essential to our health setting and maintaining boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-respect when we communicate our boundaries we're telling others that we value ourselves and our needs self-respect is essential for healthy self-esteem and self-worth overriding our boundaries often leads to stress resentment and burnout by speaking up for our boundaries we can protect our parts as well as our physical and emotional well-being it allows us to manage our energy and time effectively boundaries are crucial for building and maintaining healthy relationships when we communicate our boundaries we establish clear expectations with others this Clarity can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts fostering healthy relationships communicating our boundaries in

[00:20:03] relationships is a loving thing to do we're caring for ourselves the other person and the relationship overriding our boundaries in relationship can lead to resentment and conflict we can relieve ourselves from anger and frustration by letting others know what and where our boundaries are when we're firm with others who may try to push our boundaries we prevent ourselves from getting angry when we assert our boundaries we embody our power we stand in Our Truth we're Sovereign we're not giving our power away nor are we trying to have power over others with our boundaries respecting our own boundaries sets an example for others to do the same when we have healthy boundaries we can encourage others to have healthy boundaries as well many people don't know what healthy boundaries are because they grew up in a family that didn't model healthy boundaries maybe they had parents who were constantly overriding their boundaries for example a child feels sick and are

[00:21:06] forced to go to school a child is encouraged to override their boundaries to kiss and hug a relative that they feel uncomfortable around a child doesn't like spiders and an older sibling puts them in their face a child is scared to learn how to swim but a parent pushes them into the water or a child's body is touched in ways that they don't like or aren't able to consent to overriding a child's boundaries makes it harder for them to assert their boundaries or even know what healthy boundaries are encouraging children to have healthy boundaries helps them discern between safety and danger you help them develop their own ability to detect boundary ruptures and to protect themselves failing to assert our boundaries can make us vulnerable to exploitation or manipulation by others by standing up for our boundaries we protect ourselves from being taken advantage of overriding our boundaries can lead to

[00:22:09] feeling overwhelmed when we speak up for our boundaries we can regulate our emotions more effectively because we're not suppressing our true feelings and needs recognizing and communicating our boundaries is a part of personal growth and self-awareness it allows us to better understand our needs preferences and limits as well as respect those of others living in alignment with our boundaries reduces the stress of constantly trying to please others or meet unrealistic expectations it allows us to focus our energy on what truly matters to us boundaries are an important part of self-care now let's continue to look at ways to work with anger when the intensity of our anger seems to be disproportionately more than seems appropriate for a situation then we may have anger from our past that we haven't been able to successfully complete we can feel more balanced in

[00:23:11] relationship to our anger when we're able to complete any incomplete fight responses from the past we can do this by bringing our awareness to the body and assist the brain and body in feeling a completion this may also include assisting any part of ourselves that feels hurt from past boundary ruptures to experience a completion or corrective experience when we make our boundaries more permeable to others and people impact us negatively we may have another part trying to compensate for this by making our boundaries very rigid I call this an inner tug of war one part is pulling us in the direction of loosening our boundaries and the other part is compensating and pulling us in the direction of making more rigid boundaries the intensity of our anger may be extreme because there's another part of us that has various reasons why we shouldn't express our anger and so it has been trying to suppress our anger this can lead to an explosion of anger

[00:24:14] when it finally gets to a Breaking Point this can also lead to feeling overwhelmed by our anger and feeling uncertain about how to handle it many people Express a fear of their anger they're afraid that if they allowed it to be expressed that they would be out of control we can ask ourselves what kind of resources and support the part of us that is angry would want or need in order for us to feel safe to express our anger sometimes we can express our anger in a way that is respectful of ourselves and others however in situations where we're actively being harmed it's appropriate and important to use all of our resources including our anger to protect ourselves the appropriate action to take when someone violates our boundaries depends on the boundary violation if someone is harming you then your anger may lead to fighting back in any way that you can in order to protect yourself and survive another way to work with anger is to help release it from your body in a

[00:25:16] healthy way have you ever gotten so angry that you have the urge to throw or break something or hurt someone but the situation wasn't appropriate for us to react from anger we need to find a way to release our anger that doesn't cause ourself or anyone else harm as discussed in episode 3 wired for survival and completion there is a way to help our nervous system move an Impulse to fight through to completion the way we do that is by being present and mindful if we're angry and we try to complete a fight response while we're mindlessly consumed by Rage or picking fights we won't help our body feel resolution it will only provide a temporary Outlet which means we'll be stuck in a pattern trying to experience resolution but we won't get there when we're angry we can help our body experience resolution by imagining in slow motion what our body wants to do and stay present with what we feel in

[00:26:19] our body while we're imagining this the key is to slow it down enough in our mind because our mind can go much faster so that we can stay connected to our body let me repeat that the key is to slow it down enough in our mind so that we can stay connected to our body you'll be surprised at how much relief you can feel by doing this it's a way to release our anger while not hurting anyone or anything we can imagine hurting someone or something that's okay in fact it's important not to censor ourself and to just follow our bodies impulses in this visualization exercise for example let's say someone hit us while we're driving our car we pull over and we feel anger coursing through our veins now we can't beat the other person up or else we risk getting arrested but if we were able to give our body this experience through imagination and staying present with our body then we can help our nervous system move that

[00:27:20] anger through to completion in the situation of a car accident we often don't have time to do that exercise during the event but the impulse can stay stuck in the body so when we do have time it's helpful to do this exercise and release it from our body it's never too late we can release Anger from events that happen at any time in the past when we release the anger from our body we reclaim our power we give our brain and nervous system a new empowering experience what we know from Neuroscience is that the brain doesn't care if it's real or imaginary if we are mindful in imagining a new experience and we're experiencing a brain Body Connection the brain will perceive it as if it's really happening and what's great is that our body will give us the feedback on whether it's integrating the new experience or if we're just doing a mental exercise we are not meant to feel defeated

[00:28:23] so we want to help the body move those experiences through to completion to feel empowered when talking about anger it's also important to talk about forgiveness when someone violates our boundaries we can get stuck in feeling angry we can feel like a victim you are too Divine to be a victim when we are feeling like a victim waiting for someone else to make it right or we're stuck in Anger we give our power away when we can find authentic forgiveness we reclaim our power it's important to note that whenever we assert our boundaries we run the risk of disappointing others so it's important that we learn how to be with the feeling of disappointment whether it be ours or others it's a natural consequence to wanting something and everyone gets to advocate for their desires whether it be someone inviting us somewhere asking us for something or telling us what they like or don't like it's okay that they feel disappointed if we say no

[00:29:25] we can work with our parts from our core self to show them that we can be with the feelings that come up around disappointment in conclusion when we know how to listen to our anger and utilize it to help us assert our boundaries or restore our boundaries we can harness the wisdom of our anger and as a result we embody our power at the end of this episode I offer some things to reflect upon take some time to see if your anger is in response to someone Crossing or attempting to cross a boundary see if you can identify the boundary that was threatened or crossed work on separating from the anger part so that you can respond from your core self with integrity speak for the angry part rather than from it meaning instead of saying I'm angry at you practice saying I have a part of me that's angry that helps you stay connected to your core self

[00:30:27] listen to and assert your boundaries practice respecting your boundaries as well as the boundaries of others thanks for listening to this podcast if you found this episode helpful please consider assisting me in reaching more people by sharing it with others or writing a review together let's raise our Consciousness to help evolve Humanity for more information please visit my website daniellecarron.com that's d-a-n-i-e-l-l-e-c-a-r-r-o-n.com [Music] foreign
