Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="e483b3811ee76e6fc591fcefabb66cd3a58fe4d44a08159037f1b0682d51" Subject: Travel Writer Declared "Lost at Mall" at Massive Japanese Shopping Complex From: Brent and Michael Are Going Places To: Hidden Recipient Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2025 10:30:32 +0000 X-Hiring: We are hiring, reach out at header-hacker@emailshot.io X-EmailShot-Signature: AHlwoJqQZDEnX9secQKaGjkr_zhxMj2NyOU422Evr5GlLM4uu4_6vYN9zOTspqfs2u4yINJgzF-86AR2Zd7tag== --e483b3811ee76e6fc591fcefabb66cd3a58fe4d44a08159037f1b0682d51 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="utf-8" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable View this post on the web at https://www.brentandmichaelaregoingplaces.com/= p/travel-writer-declared-lost-at-mall Authorities in Osaka, Japan, announced today that they were calling off the= hunt for American travel writer Michael Jensen and declaring him =E2=80=9C= lost at mall.=E2=80=9D Jensen =E2=80=94 who inexplicably referred to himself as =E2=80=9Clike Anth= ony Bourdain, only better=E2=80=9D =E2=80=94 entered Osaka Station City las= t Saturday to explore and take photos of one of the city=E2=80=99s largest = shopping complexes. He hasn=E2=80=99t been seen since. =E2=80=9CIt=E2=80=99s not that surprising,=E2=80=9D said Haruto Sato, the d= etective in charge of the search. =E2=80=9CThe massive rail-and-retail comp= lex is the nexus of eight metro and train lines, all surrounded by a vast n= etwork of shopping malls, department stores, and underground arcades. Non-J= apanese tourists disappearing here aren=E2=80=99t as uncommon as you=E2=80= =99d think.=E2=80=9D Police searched for an entire thirty minutes. =E2=80=9CWhich is more than t= hese wannabe travel influencers deserve,=E2=80=9D he said. When Brent Hartinger, Jensen=E2=80=99s husband, was notified of the disappe= arance, he reportedly said, =E2=80=9COh, he=E2=80=99s been missing? And sin= ce Saturday, you say?=E2=80=9D When asked if he was upset the search wasn=E2=80=99t longer, he said, =E2= =80=9CHey, there are only so many hours in a day.=E2=80=9D Sato explained that, technically, Jensen has been declared =E2=80=9Cshoppin= gu m=C5=8Drude funshitsu shita,=E2=80=9D which means =E2=80=9Clost at mall.= =E2=80=9D=20 =E2=80=9CIt only happens with foreigners who aren=E2=80=99t used to the sca= le of things here,=E2=80=9D Sato explained. =E2=80=9COr the many, many esca= lators. Most of these people are never seen again.=E2=80=9D =E2=80=9CBut remember,=E2=80=9D added Aya Suzuki, spokesperson for the Tour= ism Board of Osaka, also at the press conference, =E2=80=9Cwhen shopping in= Osaka, foreigners pay no tax on purchases over five thousand yen!=E2=80=9D= =20 Jensen is =E2=80=94 or, almost certainly, was =E2=80=94 the co-creator of B= rent and Michael Are Going Places, a travel newsletter he wrote with his hu= sband. They had been living in Osaka for two months when he disappeared.=20 When first informed that Jensen had been declared =E2=80=9Clost at mall,=E2= =80=9D Hartinger said, =E2=80=9CAnd these people are almost never found? In= teresting. Sorry, what? No, I=E2=80=99m just looking up the name of our lif= e insurance company.=E2=80=9D When he posted news of his husband=E2=80=99s disappearance on Facebook, tho= usands of comments poured in.=20 =E2=80=9CWho?=E2=80=9D said one.=20 =E2=80=9CI should care why?=E2=80=9D said another. But the most common comment was: =E2=80=9CThank God! The guy wasn=E2=80=99t= nearly as funny as he thought he was.=E2=80=9D According to Hartinger, Jensen had gone out Saturday morning =E2=80=9Cto ta= ke pictures. I was, like, fine. This time it was bikes. In Hong Kong, it wa= s piles of cardboard. Piles of cardboard, people!=E2=80=9D According to the authorities, Jensen=E2=80=99s day had started normally. A = review of his credit card purchases showed he visited six different Starbuc= ks and ate at McDonald=E2=80=99s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. =E2=80=9CIt was exactly the same as almost every other day of his life,=E2= =80=9D said Detective Sato. =E2=80=9CThis, from a guy who claimed he =E2=80= =98ate like a local.=E2=80=99=E2=80=9D=20 =E2=80=9CWhich is too bad!=E2=80=9D said Ms. Suzuki. =E2=80=9CBecause Osaka= is Japan=E2=80=99s food capital! Don=E2=80=99t forget to try the takoyaki,= which we invented!=E2=80=9D Throughout the day, Jensen posted photos of himself online trying on kimono= s, pretending to be a Sumo wrestler, and, of course, quaffing Starbucks.=20 As usual, his social media posts were roundly ignored. Things took a dark turn when Jensen finally tried to come home. Late that a= fternoon, he texted Hartinger to say he was lost in the station and shoppin= g complex. =E2=80=9CHe texted me?=E2=80=9D Hartinger said. =E2=80=9CWhat do you know = =E2=80=94 he did. Yeah, I never read his texts.=E2=80=9D The text said he had been trying to find the metro line home but had become= twisted around. =E2=80=9CIn fairness to Jensen,=E2=80=9D said Sato, =E2=80=9COsaka Station = City is the Godzilla of Japanese train stations. Sometimes even we Japanese= get confused. Last week, I went to use the restroom and ended up in Kyoto.= =E2=80=9D =E2=80=9CBut if you do get lost,=E2=80=9D said Suzuki, =E2=80=9Cremember we= have excellent shopping and dining options! And that tax-free shopping for= foreigners.=E2=80=9D After finding Jensen=E2=80=99s phone in yet another Starbucks, authorities = were able to track his last movements. According to Google Maps, he=E2=80= =99d walked 85 miles before his phone died. =E2=80=9CAll without going outside!=E2=80=9D marveled Sato. As night fell, Jensen panicked and posted messages of distress on social me= dia. These, too, were ignored. In fact, the reaction was so weirdly indifferent that, according to a spoke= sperson for Facebook, the company is considering creating a new =E2=80=9Cre= action=E2=80=9D icon: a giant yawn. =E2=80=9CAt least his end came at a Starbucks,=E2=80=9D said Hartinger. =E2= =80=9CHe felt safe there. Proactive Life! What? Oh, sorry =E2=80=94 I just = finally found the name of our life insurance company.=E2=80=9D Hartinger wanted to assure the devoted fans of Brent and Michael Are Going = Places that the beloved travel newsletter would carry on, albeit with a few= changes.=20 =E2=80=9CI=E2=80=99m changing the name to Free! I=E2=80=99m Free at Last!= =E2=80=9D he said. He noted that it would chronicle his emotional journey a= fter losing Michael.=20 =E2=80=9CI=E2=80=99ll be sharing my healing trips to the beaches of the Sey= chelles, living on the Amalfi Coast, and dining in the finest restaurants a= round the world,=E2=80=9D he added. He encouraged readers who haven=E2=80=99t yet signed up for a paid membersh= ip [ https://substack.com/redirect/3297ab6f-18c6-45ec-843e-b61bedd65cd3?j= =3DeyJ1IjoiM2dmeXZtIn0.xu76uFObqArDfP822j-jnN48_jCfgM3m0rbAsF0l24U ] to do = so now because, =E2=80=9CI=E2=80=99m going to grieve in the style Michael w= ould have wanted =E2=80=94 extravagantly.=E2=80=9D Michael Jensen is a novelist and editor. For more about Michael, visit him = at MichaelJensen.com [ https://substack.com/redirect/e1c39bf1-e39f-4624-83c= 3-699984c42069?j=3DeyJ1IjoiM2dmeXZtIn0.xu76uFObqArDfP822j-jnN48_jCfgM3m0rbA= sF0l24U ]. [ https://substack.com/redirect/3f60782d-5272-4e3e-b505-bae3b238= a9a7?j=3DeyJ1IjoiM2dmeXZtIn0.xu76uFObqArDfP822j-jnN48_jCfgM3m0rbAsF0l24U ] Unsubscribe https://substack.com/redirect/2/eyJlIjoiaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuYnJlbnR= hbmRtaWNoYWVsYXJlZ29pbmdwbGFjZXMuY29tL2FjdGlvbi9kaXNhYmxlX2VtYWlsP3Rva2VuPW= V5SjFjMlZ5WDJsa0lqb3lNRGt3TVRjME1qWXNJbkJ2YzNSZmFXUWlPakUzT1RZNE5EZ3lNaXdpY= VdGMElqb3hOelkzTURrd05qWXhMQ0psZUhBaU9qRTNPVGcyTWpZMk5qRXNJbWx6Y3lJNkluQjFZ= aTB6TkRFeU9EVWlMQ0p6ZFdJaU9pSmthWE5oWW14bFgyVnRZV2xzSW4wLnMwNUtDb0hJZ1ZWVEp= kNUZzNS1ZLVh3RFQwVFNZcFhTbnU2SlZpdl9YMlEiLCJwIjoxNzk2ODQ4MjIsInMiOjM0MTI4NS= wiZiI6dHJ1ZSwidSI6MjA5MDE3NDI2LCJpYXQiOjE3NjcwOTA2NjEsImV4cCI6MjA4MjY2NjY2M= SwiaXNzIjoicHViLTAiLCJzdWIiOiJsaW5rLXJlZGlyZWN0In0.uvf9_Z1lDoO99wRk1JTAFUlk= nXWekStuG7gvFP38Xzs? --e483b3811ee76e6fc591fcefabb66cd3a58fe4d44a08159037f1b0682d51 Content-Type: text/html; charset="utf-8" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Travel Writer Declared "= Lost at Mall" at Massive Japanese Shopping Complex3D""
People vanish in Asian malls more often than you'd think. But when i= t's yet another wannabee travel influencer, no one cares.
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=
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Fo= rwarded this email? Subscribe here for more

Travel Writer Declared "Lost at Mall" at Massive = Japanese Shopping Complex

People vanish in Asian malls more often than = you'd think. But when it's yet another wannabee travel influencer, no one c= ares.

=
Michael Jensen
=
 
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=3D""
R= EAD IN APP3D""
 
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Au= thorities in Osaka, Japan, announced today that they were calling off the h= unt for American travel writer Michael Jensen and declaring him “lost= at mall.”

Jensen — who inexplicably referred t= o himself as “like Anthony Bourdain, only better” — enter= ed Osaka Station City last Saturday to explore and take photos of one of th= e city’s largest shopping complexes.

He hasn’t = been seen since.

“It’s not that surprising,R= 21; said Haruto Sato, the detective in charge of the search. “The mas= sive rail-and-retail complex is the nexus of eight metro and train lines, a= ll surrounded by a vast network of shopping malls, department stores, and u= nderground arcades. Non-Japanese tourists disappearing here aren’t as= uncommon as you’d think.”

Police searched for = an entire thirty minutes. “Which is more than these wannabe travel in= fluencers deserve,” he said.

When Brent Hartinger, Je= nsen’s husband, was notified of the disappearance, he reportedly said= , “Oh, he’s been missing? And since Saturday, you say?”

When asked if he was upset the search wasn’t longer, h= e said, “Hey, there are only so many hours in a day.”

Sato explained that, technically, Jensen has been declared “sh= oppingu mōrude funshitsu shita,” which means “lost at mall= =2E”

“It only happens with foreigners who = aren’t used to the scale of things here,” Sato explained. ̶= 0;Or the many, many escalators. Most of these people = are never seen again.”

“But remember,= 221; added Aya Suzuki, spokesperson for the Tourism Board of Osaka, also at= the press conference, “when shopping in Osaka, foreigners pay no tax= on purchases over five thousand yen!”

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One of Jensen’s last known pictures demo= nstrated the craziness of Osaka Station City.

Jensen is — or, almost certainly, w= as — the co-creator of Brent and Michael Are Go= ing Places, a travel newsletter he wrote with his husband. They = had been living in Osaka for two months when he disappeared.

When first informed that Jensen had been declared “lost at = mall,” Hartinger said, “And these people are almost never found= ? Interesting. Sorry, what? No, I’m just looking up the name of our l= ife insurance company.”

When he posted news of his hu= sband’s disappearance on Facebook, thousands of comments poured in. <= /p>

“Who?” said one.

“I shou= ld care why?” said another.

But the most common comme= nt was: “Thank God! The guy wasn’t nearly as funny as he though= t he was.”

According to Hartinger, Jensen had g= one out Saturday morning “to take pictures. I was, like, f= ine. This time it was bikes. In Hong Kong, it was piles of cardb= oard. Piles of cardboard, people!”

Ju= st a few of the uninspired pictures Jensen took on his final, tragic day. <= /em>

According to the authorities, = Jensen’s day had started normally. A review of his credit card purcha= ses showed he visited six different Starbucks and ate at McDonald’s f= or breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

“It was exactly the = same as almost every other day of his life,” said Detective Sato. = 220;This, from a guy who claimed he ‘ate like a local.’” =

“Which is too bad!” said Ms. Suzuki. “Be= cause Osaka is Japan’s food capital! Don’t forget to try the ta= koyaki, which we invented!”

Throughout the day, Jense= n posted photos of himself online trying on kimonos, pretending to be a Sum= o wrestler, and, of course, quaffing Starbucks.

As usual, = his social media posts were roundly ignored.

Things t= ook a dark turn when Jensen finally tried to come home. Late that afternoon= , he texted Hartinger to say he was lost in the station and shopping comple= x.

“He texted me?” Hartinger said. “What = do you know — he did. Yeah, I never read his texts.”

The text said he had been trying to find the metro line home but had = become twisted around.

3D""
The massive Osaka Station City transportation hub= =2E
<= p style=3D"margin: 0 0 20px 0;color: rg= b(54,55,55);line-height: 26px;font-size: 16px;">“In fairness to Jense= n,” said Sato, “Osaka Station City is the Godzilla of Japanese = train stations. Sometimes even we Japanese get confused. Last week, I went = to use the restroom and ended up in Kyoto.”

= 220;But if you do get lost,” said Suzuki, “remember we have exc= ellent shopping and dining options! And that tax-free= shopping for foreigners.”

3D""
The sprawling = underground network that is Umeda Station.

After finding Jensen’s phone in yet another Starbucks, = authorities were able to track his last movements. According to Google Maps= , he’d walked 85 miles before his phone died.

“= All without going outside!” marveled Sato.

3D""
Jensen’s last known moveme= nts.

As night fell, Jensen pa= nicked and posted messages of distress on social media.

The= se, too, were ignored.

In fact, the reaction was so weirdly= indifferent that, according to a spokesperson for Facebook, the company is= considering creating a new “reaction” icon: a giant yawn.

<= div class=3D"captioned-image-container-static" style=3D"font-size: 16px;lin= e-height: 26px;margin: 32px auto;">
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The last known ph= oto of Jensen, clearly distressed.

“At least his end came at a Starbucks,” said Hartinger. &= #8220;He felt safe there. Proactive Life! What? Oh, sorry — I just fi= nally found the name of our life insurance company.”

= Hartinger wanted to assure the devoted fans of Brent and M= ichael Are Going Places that the beloved travel newsletter would= carry on, albeit with a few changes.

“= I’m changing the name to Free! I’m Free at Last!” he said. He noted that it would chronicle his emotional jour= ney after losing Michael.

“I’ll be shar= ing my healing trips to the beaches of the Seychelles, living on the Amalfi= Coast, and dining in the finest restaurants around the world,” he ad= ded.

He encouraged readers who haven’t yet sign= ed up for a pa= id membership to do so now because, “I’m going to gri= eve in the style Michael would have wanted — extravagantly.”

=
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