Just Plane Dumb

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”
The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.
“There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.
“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.
The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.

Directions

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
“Don’t know,” the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”.

Door to Door

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks. A lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”
She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”
The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”
She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”.

You Talkin’ to Me?

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship.
One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, “How soon do you have to know?”.

A Very Fast Moped

A young man goes out and buys one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world, a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo.
That night, he takes it out for a spin. When he stops at a red light, anold man on a mo-ped pulls up next to him. The old man looks at the sleek, shiny automobile and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000.”
“That’s a lot of money,” replies the old man. “Why so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!” states the young man proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
Just then the light changes, and the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him!
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the front of his car. The young man jumps out. It’s the old man!
He runs up to the old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man groans and replies, “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!”.

The Great Escape

Three thieves — a smart guy, an average guy and a dumb guy, are arrested and sent to prison for stealing a car.
The three prisoners are placed in separate cells. The smartest of the three somehow manages to get hold of the keys and unlocks each of their cells. They then break out a window to make their escape.
The smart guy goes first. He sees a wall blocking his escape route and begins climbing a nearby tree to get over the wall. As he reaches the top of the tree, a guard on the other side hears him.
“Who’s there?” asked the guard.
The smart guy replies with a convincing “Meow. Meow.”
“Oh,” says the guard, “it’s only a cat in a tree.” So, the guard wanders off and the smart guy gets away.
The average guy goes next. He climbs the same tree, and the same guard hears him. “Who’s there?”
“Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet.”
The guard mutters, “It’s only a bird in a tree,” and wanders off, allowing the average guy to get away.
The dumb guy has witnessed the events. He climbs the same tree to make his escape over the same wall and is overheard by the same guard.
“Who’s there?” the guard demands.
“Moo. Moo.”.

Senior Exercises

I just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb.potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.