Hands and knees?

Teacher: “Emil… why are you coming into my classroom on your hands and knees?”
Emil: “Because yesterday you told me not to talk into your class late.”

At summer camp

A boy telling his friend: “The food was awful at summer camp this year. My first day there, I threw mine in the lake and darned if the fish didn’t throw it back.”

What would she have?

Teacher: “If your father earned $50,000 a month and gave your mother half, what would she have?”
Student: “Heart failure or maybe a stroke!”

Yeah

Teacher: “In the alphabet, what comes after ‘O’?”
Student: “Yeah.”

Attention class!

Teacher: “Attention class! First off, who can name a deadly poison?”
Charlie: “I can, teacher. Aviation. One drop and you’re dead.”

Window get broken

Teacher: “Just how did this window get broken?”
Student: “I was cleaning my slingshot and it went off.”

Where do you live

New kid: “Where do you live?”
Old kid: “On Tough Street. The farther you go, the tougher you get. I live in the last house!”

How do they smell?

Two kids talking: Kid 1: You should been with me this summer at camp. We had a lot of tough times with skunks.
Kid 2: How do they smell?
Kid 1: They smell like our gym class! But I never changed clothes once this summer at camp and y’know what? Toward the end of the season, the skunks ran away from me.”

Tell me about it

Elmer: “Hey, Gorge, did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?”
George: “Nope. Tell me about it.”
Elmer: “It just couldn’t take any more pressure!”

Faster than sound

“My mother really talked to the airplane pilot when we got on the plane.”
“Really? What’d she talk about.”
“Oh, she just told him not to go faster than sound ’cause she and I wanted to talk a lot.”

What should we do tonight?

Two kids were walking home from school. “What should we do tonight?” – one asked.
“Let’s flip a coin,” replied the other. “If it comes up head, we will go to the movies. If it comes up tail, we’ll play pool. If it stands on edge, we’ll study.”

Steamroller

Jonas: “Did you hear about the stupid farmer who ran a steamroller over his field of potatoes?”
Adam: “Nope. Not a word.”
Jonas: “Well, the dope thought he’d get a crop of smashed potatoes.”

Get away from me

Mary: “Get away from me, Jamie. You remind me of the ocean.”
Jamie: “Why is that? Because I’m so handsome?”
Mary: “No! Because you make me sick!”

He is not painless at all

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood.
“He is not painless at all,” said the lad. “He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.”

six-year-old

After the third day of school, the six-year-old came running home from school crying and sobbing. She ran into the house and up to her mother, sobbing: “M-mom, how long does it take a little girl to finally graduate?”

Reproduction of a DaVinci painting

The class was on a tour of the local art museum and the teacher stopped before a reproduction of a DaVinci painting.
“Class, this man was a genius. With just one, single stroke he could change a smiling face into a pained, sorrowful one.”
A little boy raised his hand. “Question, Elmer?” the teacher asked.
“I just want to tell you that my Mom can do the same thing.”

Is this my ear?

The school employs a doctor to teach the children about body parts.
One day, the doctor came to school, assembled the class, pointed to his nose and asked: “Is this my ear?”
Little Johnny walked to the teacher and whispered: “I think we better get a new doctor.”

Could you hang clothes on that line?

The teacher began: “Can anyone in class tell us the meaning of axis?”
“I can, Sir. Here goes: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line that passes from one pole to the other and on which the earth revolves.”
“Very good,” the teacher said, “but could you hang clothes on that line?”
“Yep! You sure could,” the student replied.
“Is that so?” the teacher said. “And what kind of cloths would you hang on that imaginary line?
“Imaginary clothes, Teacher.”

Wanted

A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.
Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were.
“Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for,” answered the policeman. “We call those wanted posters.”.
Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. “Well,” he wondered, “why didn’t you just keep them when you took their picture?”

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The Watermelon Patch

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was plagued by local kids who would sneak into his patch at night and steal watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The sign says, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been poisoned.”
The farmer goes to inspect his field the next morning and finds a new sign that says, “Warning, now two of the watermelons in this field have been poisoned.”.

Never Tell a Lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but since only one of us can take him home we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute while the boys all looked at each other and lowered their heads. Just as the Reverend began to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and handed him the leash. “Alright, reverend,” he said, “You win. You can take him home.”.

My Summer Vacation

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.
“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”.

Pa is Gonna Be Mad

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.
“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.”
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
“Under the wagon.”.

Little Johnny Meets the Bishop

Little Johnny’s father was a rector in a small church. When the bishop came to visit, Little Johnny became very excited.
The bishop arrived late in the evening, well past Little Johnny’s bedtime. The next morning, Johnny asked his father if he would be allowed to meet the important man.
His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny take the bishop his tea and awaken him. His father gave him instructions: “first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him ‘It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.’”
Little Johnny was very excited. He rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally, the tea was ready and Little Johnny picked up the tray and left the kitchen for the bishop’s room.
A few minutes later, the important man–still in his bedclothes–came running through the kitchen, out the door and down the lane.
The father turned to his son and shouted, “What happened?”
“Well, father, I was so nervous I messed up my lines. I knocked on the door and said. ‘It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!’”.

Mischievous

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”
The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

The Class Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”