Little Sally

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.
Her grades were good — mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Sally gets it from her mother. Please let me know if your idea works.”.

Providing for the Family

It had been many years since the embarrassing day when the young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
After a long discussion, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar. One day the boy who had been collecting the meat each week came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile. “I’ve been counting too. When you take this parcel of meat home, tell your mother that it is the last free meat she’ll get. Watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said. She just smiled and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!”

A Letter From Mom

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved.
About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 5,000 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn’t working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain and I haven’t seen the shirts since.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don’t know whether you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin’s Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took us three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year’s Day.
I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father went with me. The doctor put a little glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for four days and then for three days. Monday it was so windy that one of our hens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn’t paid on your grandmother within seven days… UP SHE COMES!
Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.

Remembering Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said,”I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Thanks, bicyclebud.

I’m Sorry

Dear Joe,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

Diapers

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
“I’m busy,” he said. “I’ll do the next one.”
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”

Kids

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

An Addition to the Family

At the pre-birth class for couples who’d already had at least one child, the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
“Some parents tell the older child, ‘We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.’
“But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’?”
One of the women spoke up right away, “Does she cook?”
Thanks,
Jan in Denver.