Predicting the Weather

Did you hear about the TV weatherman who, despite his training and sparkling credentials, ran into a terrible unlucky streak?
He became something of a local joke. The town’s newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions. A year later, the paper reported that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
Unable to handle the pressure, the station manager fired him.
So the meteorologist moved far away and applied for another job as a TV weathermen. When he got to the question on the application about why he had left his last job, he wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”.

Rifle Range Trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!
His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What’s the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”
“I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see…”
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!
“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

Taking Pictures

A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my instructor?”.

Cops in Heaven

St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was an MP in the Army, sir.”
“Excellent my son… I’ve gotta take a break, watch the gate, will ya?”.

The Daily Commute

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”
“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”
“Tell me! What is it?”
“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

That’s Quite a Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer coolly said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?”
The young engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” the interviewer smiled, “But you started it.”