A former journalist and TV publicist, Geoff Tibballs is the author of numerous best-selling humour titles, including The Mammoth Book of Jokes, The Mammoth Book of One-Liners, The Seniors’ Survival Guide, The Bowler’s Holding, The Batsman’s Willey and The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes. He believes that it keeps him relatively sane in an increasingly mad world, although his wife would probably disagree.

Also by Geoff Tibballs

Crazy Sh*t Old People Say

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst

The Mammoth Book of Weird But True

The Mammoth Book of Weird Records

The Mammoth Book of Insults

The World’s 100 Weirdest Museums

The World’s 100 Weirdest Sporting Events

Copyright

Published by Robinson

ISBN: 978-1-47214-216-0

Copyright © Geoff Tibballs, 2019

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher.

The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

Robinson

Little, Brown Book Group

Carmelite House

50 Victoria Embankment

London EC4Y 0DZ

www.littlebrown.co.uk

www.hachette.co.uk

Introduction

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Ever since the innkeeper’s decision to tell Mary and Joseph that he was fully booked for the night earned him a host of bad reviews on TripAdvisor, we have all said things which we have regretted almost as soon as we opened our mouth. These faux pas may range in terms of consequence from the relatively unimportant ‘We don’t need an umbrella – it’s not going to rain today’ to the life-changing ‘I do’. Foot-in-mouth disease can afflict the unwary at any time and manifest itself in a variety of forms. It could be a slip of the tongue, a clumsy comment, a remark with an unintended double meaning or something so mind-numbingly stupid that those within earshot are literally lost for words. And that’s a relatively recent addition to the list of shame – people who use the word ‘literally’ in the wrong context. It has become such an irritant that in 2018 a bar owner in Manhattan announced that he would literally throw out any customer who used the word incorrectly. Most customers saw the funny side, although one or two went through the roof about the ruling – but not literally.

Nor must we forget spoonerisms and malapropisms. The former were named after the Revd William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930), warden of New College, Oxford, who had an unfortunate habit of getting parts of one word tangled up with another, so that ‘The Lord is a loving shepherd’ would come out as ‘The Lord is a shoving leopard’. In time, these quirks adopted a life of their own, with the result that today it is difficult to determine which remarks were genuinely uttered by Spooner and which are apocryphal. An example of an authentic spoonerism occurred in 1937 when The Times reported that a presumably nervous police detective in court had described a man as ‘a bricklabourer’s layer’. Malapropisms were first popularised by the character of Mrs Malaprop in Irish satirist Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s 1775 play The Rivals. Mrs M. makes a habit of getting her words wrong, using ones which sound similar to those she intends but which have a completely different meaning. For example, she refers to an individual as ‘the very pineapple of politeness’ (instead of ‘the pinnacle of politeness’). Well, it had them rolling in the aisles at the time.

For decades these various verbal blunders were considered very much the preserve of athletes or broadcasters but more recently politicians – particularly American ones – have muscled in on the act to the extent that the careers of the likes of Dan Quayle and George W. Bush have become defined by their gaffes.

In the spirit of fairness, this collection is not restricted to verbal slip-ups but also covers the written word, with sections devoted to bewildering signs and instructions, badly translated menus, ambiguous headlines and newspaper typos. When it comes to misprints, few have been more catastrophic than the 1631 reprint of the King James Bible, published by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, when the compositors accidentally omitted the word ‘not’ from one of the Ten Commandments, thereby imploring readers to commit adultery. The publishers were subsequently fined the equivalent of £46,000 and had their printing licence revoked, with that version subsequently becoming known as the Wicked Bible. That cautionary tale underlines what every author knows: a skilled copy editor to check spelling errors and other lapses is reely impotent.

Geoff Tibballs

1 Muddled thinking

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Peter Alliss, golf commentator: What do you think of the climax of this tournament?

Peter Thomson, golf commentator: I’m speechless.

Peter Alliss: That says it all.

I think we’re on the road to coming up with answers that I don’t think any of us in total feel we have the answers to.

Kim Anderson, Mayor of Naples, Florida

Chemistry is not an exact science.

Mario Andrada, spokesman for the 2016 Olympics, explaining why the organisers of the Rio Games could not be expected to fix the green water in the swimming pool overnight.

Red squirrels – you don’t see many of them since they became extinct.

Michael Aspel, broadcaster

Well, Clive, it’s about the two Ms – movement and positioning.

Ron Atkinson, football pundit

Why can’t the Arabs and Jews resolve their disagreements at the conference table like good Christians?

Warren Austin, US politician

What I want them to know, just like John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa, that’s the spirit I have, too.

Michele Bachmann, US politician, getting her John Waynes mixed up when launching her 2011 presidential campaign in the town where she grew up. Unfortunately for her, it was serial killer John Wayne Gacy who lived in Waterloo. Movie star John Wayne was born in Winterset, Iowa, three hours away.

Before we get started, let’s all say ‘Happy birthday’ to Elvis Presley today.

Michele Bachmann, campaigning in South Carolina in 2011 on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis’ death, 16 August. His birthday was 8 January.

We see that our nation is on the ropes right now. On the ropes economically, with very high employment.

Michele Bachmann, campaign video, 2011

He is not a player who purposely goes out on the pitch to be violent and cause damage to other players, other than in the true spirit of the game.

Neil Back, Rugby Union player, on fellow England international Martin Johnson.

We’re halfway round the Grand National course with many hurdles to clear. So let’s all make sure we keep our feet firmly on the ground.

Mike Bailey, football manager

The first time you face up to a googly you’re going to be in trouble if you’ve never faced one before.

Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator

We owe some gratitude to Gatting and Lamb who breathed some life into a corpse which had nearly expired.

Trevor Bailey

No captain with all the hindsight in the world can predict how the wicket is going to play.

Trevor Bailey

Mr Speaker, let us replace darkness with light, let us replace accountability with corruption.

John Baird, Canadian politician

Now to the subjects of law and international law – subjects usually as dry as ditch-water.

Joan Bakewell, broadcaster

If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had seventy or eighty caps for England.

John Barnes, football pundit

Outside of the killings, Washington [D.C.] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Marion Barry, US politician and former Mayor of Washington

[Artist] Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde.

BBC Radio 4

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.

David Beckham, footballer

I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Winston Bennett, American basketball player

Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.

Yogi Berra, baseball coach

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.

Yogi Berra

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Yogi Berra

If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30 per cent chance we’re going to get it wrong.

Joe Biden, US politician

It’s so easy to have a fatal accident and ruin your life.

Tony Blackburn, radio DJ

On the boundary, the small diminutive figure of Shoaib Mohammad, who can’t be much taller or shorter than he is.

Henry Blofeld, cricket commentator

I’ve always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges – you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate.

Aidy Boothroyd, football manager

Eyewitnesses were on the scene in minutes.

Adam Boulton, Sky News presenter

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’ But, of course, those who died – their lives will never be the same again.

Barbara Boxer, US politician

If we can just get young people to do as their fathers did, that is, wear condoms.

Richard Branson, businessman

Cricket is a game without boundaries.

Stuart Broad, cricketer

The repercussions of what happened way back when Tony Bush and George Blair were considering whether to go to war still being felt in Iraq today.

Ben Brown, BBC News reporter

Michael Owen – he’s got the legs of a salmon.

Craig Brown, Scottish football manager

I don’t know what impressive is, but Joe was impressive tonight.

Marlene Bugner, wife of British heavyweight boxer Joe Bugner

He [Sir Alex Ferguson] is such a hard worker. Even at his age I bet there’s no one in before him in the morning and no one leaves earlier than him in the evening.

Steve Burtenshaw, football manager

I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.

George Bush, US President

(I want to) make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.

George Bush

When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music.

George Bush, 1991

The most important job is not to be governor, or First Lady in my case.

George W. Bush, US President

One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.

George W. Bush

I understand small business growth – I was one.

George W. Bush, 2000

I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well.

George W. Bush, 2001

The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he [John Kerry] were the President of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off.

George W. Bush, 2004

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the … the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.

George W. Bush, 2003

I’m honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.

George W. Bush

General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.

George W. Bush to Army General Ray Odierno, 2008

For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.

George W. Bush, 2002, forgetting the little matter of World War II.

You’re free. And freedom is beautiful. And, er, you know, it will take time to restore chaos.

George W. Bush

Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.

George W. Bush, 2000

There’s a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say: ‘I don’t want you to let me down again.’

George W. Bush, 2000

And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.

George W. Bush, 2007

I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.

George W. Bush, 2000

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

George W. Bush, who has obviously never seen Jaws.

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs [obstetrician/gynaecologists] aren’t able to practise their love with women all across the country.

George W. Bush, 2004

There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says: ‘Fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.’

George W. Bush in 2002, struggling to recite the saying: ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’

All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.

George W. Bush, 2007

People call it Armageddon, but I think it’s worse than that.

Terry Butcher, football manager

India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here, and they drink and they eat, and they drink and they die; and then they write home to their parents a pack of lies, and say it’s the climate that has killed them.

General Sir Colin Campbell, British army officer, reporting on morale problems in India during the nineteenth century.

It’s quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off.

Harry Carpenter, sports broadcaster

He looks up at him through blood-smeared lips.

Harry Carpenter

The Pope was smaller than expected, but only in size.

Jack Charlton, football manager

I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.

Cher, singer

[Frank] Lampard’s not the first player to run to the crowd with lips over his mouth.

Adrian Chiles, broadcaster

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It’s a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it’s because it’s proven.

Jean Chrétien, Canadian politician

Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron in search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks in Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there.

CNN News

Don’t tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let’s just have another look at Italy’s winning goal.

David Coleman, sports broadcaster

There you can see her parents. Her father died some time ago.

David Coleman

He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track.

David Coleman

If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.

David Coleman

This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning.

David Coleman

For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.

David Coleman

Benedict may not be hurt as much as he really is.

Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres baseball commentator

There’s someone warming up in the bullpen, but he’s obscured by his number.

Jerry Coleman

Certainly not the kind of person you want to be looking over your shoulder and seeing in your rear-view mirror.

Andrew Coltart, golf broadcaster

Hopefully that will get done in time, and if not, shortly thereafter.

Bill Cowher, American football coach

Even when he has to move back, he moves back so that he’s moving forwards.

Mark Cox, tennis commentator

I’ve seen lots of players with only one right foot.

Garth Crooks, football pundit

If I played for Scotland, my grandma would be the proudest woman in the country if she wasn’t dead.

Mark Crossley, footballer

Could you get a little closer apart?

Michael Curtiz, Hungarian-born American movie director, issuing instructions to two actors.

So many times I have a speech ready but no dice. Always a bridesmaid, never a mother.

Michael Curtiz

Let’s get this straight. The police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder.

Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago

The more killing and homicides you have, the more havoc it prevents.

Richard M. Daley, Mayor of Chicago and son of Richard J. Daley

The Brazilians aren’t as good as they used to be, or as they are now.

Kenny Dalglish, football manager

How long have you had this lifelong ambition?

Gary Davies, radio DJ

The swimmers are swimming out of their socks.

Sharron Davies, swimming broadcaster

He’s not very mobile in the sense of moving about.

Ally Dawson, footballer

David Boon is now completely clean-shaven, except for his moustache.

Graham Dawson, Australian cricket commentator

The game was closer than the score indicated.

Dizzy Dean, baseball player, after a 1-0 game.

We’re going to start our coverage of the highlights of this morning’s action with the men’s 400-metre hurdles first round and history in the making as Oscar Pistorius from South Africa makes history.

Ortis Deley, broadcaster

Traffic in the Wandsworth one-way system is very heavy in both directions.

Graham Dene, broadcaster

He [Lewis Hamilton] is an excellent driver, both in and out of the car.

Ron Dennis, motor-racing team boss

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

Bob Dole, US senator

You read what Disraeli had to say. I don’t remember what he said. He said something. He’s no longer with us.

Bob Dole

Only one thing would be worse than the status quo. And that would be for the status quo to become the norm.

Elizabeth Dole, US senator

I would have to have been blind or deaf not to have read the speculation.

Bobby Downes, football coach

Valencia will be hosting the next America’s Cup. This is because Switzerland, who won it last time, has no sea around its coastline.

Tim Durrant, broadcaster

He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Lou Duva, boxing manager, on the training regime of Polish-born heavyweight Andrew Golota.

Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.

Dwight D. Eisenhower, former US President (attrib.)

When it comes to words I have a uniqueness that I find almost impossible in terms of art – and it’s my words that actually make my art quite unique.

Tracey Emin, artist

I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.

Linda Evangelista, model

The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve eating apples. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Carl Everett, baseball player, questioning the existence of dinosaurs.

It is fitting that we pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.

Dan Flood, US politician

If [Abraham] Lincoln were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.

Gerald Ford, former US President

I watch a lot of baseball on the radio.

Gerald Ford

It’s good to hear the Union Jack being played at the European Championships.

Brendan Foster, athletics commentator

Argentinian fans chanting from dusk till dawn and probably overnight as well.

Olly Foster, sports broadcaster

He must have discovered euthanasia. He never seems to get any older.

John Francome, horse-racing broadcaster

Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil.

The French Chef, US TV show

For those of you who haven’t read the book, it’s being published tomorrow.

David Frost, broadcaster

Cycling is cycling, but my boyfriend’s a rugby player and that’s a different ball game.

Kirsty Gallacher, sports broadcaster

Men are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.

Newt Gingrich, US politician

A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that’s what freedom is all about.

Newt Gingrich

I’ve gone where the hand of man has never set foot.

Sam Goldwyn (attrib.)

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

Sam Goldwyn (attrib.)

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

Sam Goldwyn (attrib.)

When my sister and I were growing up, there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so.

Al Gore, US politician

Wayne Rooney has a man’s body on a teenage head.

George Graham, football manager

Chelsea fans will have switched off their televisions and be listening to the radio with their hands over their ears biting their nails.

Alan Green, football commentator

[Roberto] Mancini’s got that Italian style, the old joie de vivre.

Perry Groves, football pundit

You try to put your body between yourself and the ball.

Eidur Gudjohnsen, Icelandic footballer

And [Sami] Hyypia rises like a giraffe to head the ball clear.

George Hamilton, sports broadcaster

Russia have beaten Ireland 4-2, Albania 4-1 and now Switzerland 4-1 at home. It would be a wise man who would bet against them beating Georgia.

George Hamilton

George Hamilton: Roy Carsley has it.

Co-commentator: Lee Carsley, George.

George Hamilton: Ah yes, perhaps it’s because his head reminds me of Ray Wilkins.

Agatha Christie is such a well-known name, her books sell all over the world – and other places as well.

Michael Grade, TV executive

We are a young side that will only get younger.

Paul Hart, football manager

How priceless are these things?

Russell Harty, TV presenter

I can never predict my future because a big part of the future is already behind me.

Guus Hiddink, Dutch football coach

I swear on my mother’s life, my late mother’s life.

Alex Higgins, snooker player

I meet so many people, I don’t even know some of my friends’ names.

Paris Hilton, celebrity

I’ve never heard a minute’s silence like that before.

Glenn Hoddle, football manager

OK, so we lost, but good things can come from it – negative and positive.

Glenn Hoddle

Didier Drogba’s had malaria, so he’s not 100 per cent fit for whatever reason …

Glenn Hoddle

Why don’t I have a beard any more? I’ve been travelling so much I haven’t had time to grow it.

Bob Horner, baseball player

If it’s going to go wrong I want it to go wrong the way I want it to.

John Hughes, football manager

I’m sure David and Alex will sit down and decide who should be the predecessor to his job.

Paul Ince, football pundit

The Uruguayans are losing no time making a meal around the referee.

Mike Ingham, sports broadcaster

The best horse won, and that’s all you can ask in any sport.

John Inverdale, sports broadcaster

Martin O’Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.

Mike Ingham, sports broadcaster

Teams relegated will be looking to parachute back up straightaway next season.

Ronnie Irani, cricketer

Mozart is celebrating the 200th anniversary of his death.

Derek Jameson, broadcaster

There may be a reason I can’t think of but the problem with that reason is that I can’t think of it now.

Boris Johnson, British politician

I could not fail to disagree with you less.

Boris Johnson

And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us.

Brian Johnston, cricket commentator

The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day.

Chris Jones, sports broadcaster

Sporting Lisbon, in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras.

Peter Jones, sports broadcaster

Ian Rush is deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them.

Peter Jones

Every single seat is absolutely packed.

Ron Jones, sports broadcaster

Manchester City are defending like beavers.

Chris Kamara, sports broadcaster

Not only has he shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he’s sent him off.

Chris Kamara

If that happens anywhere else on the pitch, it’s a stonewall penalty.

Chris Kamara

Statistics are there are to be broken.

Chris Kamara

I’ve had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.

Kevin Keegan, football manager

Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It’s as big as him, which isn’t very big, but it’s bigger.

Kevin Keegan

There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.

Kevin Keegan

Nicolas Anelka left Arsenal for £23 million and they built a training ground on him.

Kevin Keegan

Jesus was a white man, too. He was a historical figure. And that’s a verifiable fact. As is Santa.

Megyn Kelly, Fox News presenter, reacting in
2013 to the idea of a black Santa Claus.

Occasionally in public life there is a need to lie, and I think we’ve got to be honest with people about that.

Charles Kennedy, British politician

There’s nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for women being pregnant.

Sarah Kennedy, broadcaster

They were too good to win this game tonight.

Martin Keown, football pundit

I’ve always been a childhood Liverpool fan, even when I was a kid.

Harry Kewell, footballer

It’s like the neighbourhood I would have grown up in, I think, if I had grown up here.

Alan Keyes, US politician, on arriving in Chicago.

He’s got the Midas touch right now. Everything he touches turns to silver.

Richard Keys, broadcaster

Half of Jeff King’s extra-base hits last year were extra-base hits.

Ralph Kiner, baseball announcer

A commitment and a promise are not the same thing.

Bruce King, former Governor of New Mexico

Leicester were 5000-1 to win the League but ended up as champions. What are the odds of that happening?

Neil Lennon, football pundit

Had Taylor not broken Eduardo’s leg with that tackle, we’d have said, ‘That’s a leg-breaking tackle.’

Matt Le Tissier, football pundit

There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.

Gib Lewis, US politician

And now he [Klitschko] has a cut under his left nose.

Lennox Lewis, boxer

England have nothing to lose here, apart from this Test match.

David Lloyd, cricket commentator

Griffiths is snookered on the brown, which, for those watching in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink.

Ted Lowe, snooker commentator

That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.

Ted Lowe

Just remember, folks, next Monday night Password will be seen on Thursday evening.

Allen Ludden, US TV game show host

From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.

John Madden, US sportscaster

[Gary] Gilmore could have lived for as long as he liked. He could have lived for the rest of his life.

Norman Mailer, American author

When your back’s against the wall, it’s time to turn round and fight.

John Major, British politician

I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.

Ray Malavasi, American football coach

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Joseph L. Mankiewicz, American movie director

It is now possible they can get the impossible score they first thought possible.

Christopher Martin-Jenkins, cricket commentator

[Goalkeeper] Allison came out and made himself as big as a starfish.

Sam Matterface, football commentator

We have sporadic incidents of people pointing guns at each other, but I wouldn’t call that road rage.

Mark McCloskey, police chief of Farmington, New Mexico

I won’t ask you to name any highlights from your career … but what was the best moment?

Sonja McLaughlin, sports broadcaster

Along the invisible pathway to the future, I see the footprints of a hidden hand.

James McSheehy, US politician

And he kicks it with his left-handed foot.

Murray Mexted, New Zealand Rugby Union commentator

I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.

Johnny Miller, American golfer

Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.

Alan Minter, boxer

A boxer makes a comeback for one of two reasons: either he’s broke or he needs the money.

Alan Minter

Remember, postcards only, please. The winner will be the first one opened.

Brian Moore, football commentator

It’s rugby by numbers – A, B, C.

Dewi Morris, rugby player

And [David] Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction.

John Motson, football commentator

Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise.

John Motson

What are the pitfalls of getting close to a serial killer?

Jenni Murray, broadcaster

We’re at the top of a cliff and we can either fall off the edge or keep climbing.

Gary Neville, footballer

There’s such a fine line between defeat and losing.

Gary Newbon, sports broadcaster

What Newcastle lack is a lack of pace.

Charlie Nicholas, football pundit

So if you haven’t set off for the centre yet, the best thing to do is to turn back and go home.

Annie Nightingale, music broadcaster

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.

Richard Nixon, reflecting on Watergate, 1978

Solutions are not the answer.

Richard Nixon

On this Memorial Day, as our nation honours its fallen heroes – and I see many of them in the audience today …

Barack Obama, US President, 2008

The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our healthcare system.

Barack Obama, 2009

The Maastricht Treaty … has been dealt, at least temporarily, a fatal blow.

Des O’Malley, Irish politician

It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.

Eugene Ormandy, Hungarian-born American conductor

Who is sitting in that empty chair?

Eugene Ormandy

Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

Eugene Ormandy

Watch out for the blond at corners and free-kicks.

Willie Ormond, Scotland football manager, warning his players before a 1975 international against a Sweden team that contained six big blonds.

Is that down to public apathy or do you think people just don’t care any more?

Annie Othen, broadcaster

If you cut me in half, I’m a footballer.

Michael Owen, footballer

Don’t say I don’t get along with my team-mates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on the team.

Terrell Owens, American football player

I have prepared for the worst-case scenario, but it could be even worse than that.

Monty Panesar, England cricketer

That was more by luck than good fortune.

Paul Parker, football pundit

Fear was absolutely necessary. Without it, I would have been scared to death.

Floyd Patterson, boxer

The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.

Andy Peebles, radio broadcaster

Next week we’ll be looking at the Tour de France – all those bicycles roaring through the countryside.

Andy Peebles

[George W.] Bush did an incredible job, in the presidency, defending us from freedom.

Rick Perry, US Republican candidate, 2010

You guys line up alphabetically by height.

Bill Peterson, American football coach

I’m the football coach around here and don’t you remember it.

Bill Peterson

You go through good troughs, you go through bad troughs.

Kevin Pietersen, cricketer

It looked a little bit worse than it appeared.

David Pleat, football pundit

He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

Torrin Polk, American football player, on his coach, John Jenkins.

My living political hero? Oh, Margaret Thatcher!

Rebecca Pow, British politician, on Radio 5 Live in
2018 – five years after Mrs Thatcher’s death.

This one is for Nigel Addison. I went to school with a Nigel Addison. I wonder if it’s his brother.

Peter Powell, radio DJ

The city of York is already a city, as is my own city of Hull is a city, and that I think is the definition of city and town.

John Prescott, British politician

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. Not our nation’s but in World War II. I mean, we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century, but in this century’s history.

Dan Quayle, US politician, 1988

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

Dan Quayle

We don’t want to go back to tomorrow. We want to go forward.

Dan Quayle

I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.

Dan Quayle

The President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

Dan Quayle, on the election trail in support of George Bush.

We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

Dan Quayle

It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.

Dan Quayle

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs Bush, and my fellow astronauts.

Dan Quayle

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind … Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

Dan Quayle

Tony Fernandes is in that goldfish bowl and he’s swimming against the tide.

Niall Quinn, football pundit

David Toms’ putt is slightly straight.

Ronan Rafferty, golf commentator

People have said I am a dead man walking but I am not – I am still moving.

Claudio Ranieri, football manager

I don’t want to tell you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate.

Dennis Rappaport, American boxing manager

It’s like feeding him with one hand and spitting at him in the eye with the other.

Claire Rayner, agony aunt

But obviously you do other things as well as dedicating your lives twenty-four hours a day to ballet.

Mike Read, radio DJ

Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.

Ronald Reagan, US President

I’m not worried about the deficit in the budget. It is big enough to look after itself.

Ronald Reagan

Ross Barkley goes past players when they’re not even there.

Jamie Redknapp, football pundit

I think he was lucky not to be sent off as I’ve seen players sent off for worse than that.

Peter Reid, football manager

The match will be shown on Match of the Day this evening. If you don’t want to know the result look away now, as we show you Tony Adams lifting the trophy for Arsenal.

Steve Rider, sports broadcaster

We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.

Bobby Robson, football manager

Don’t ask me what a typical Brazilian is because I don’t know what a typical Brazilian is. But Romario was a typical Brazilian.

Bobby Robson

He’s very fast, and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.

Bobby Robson

If those Gallican villains should invade us, sir … perhaps the murderous martial law men would break in, cut us into joints, and throw our bleeding heads on the table to stare us in the face.

Sir Boyle Roche, 18th-century Irish politician, on the French Revolution.

Little children who could neither walk nor talk were running about in the streets cursing their Maker.

Sir Boyle Roche

By posterity, sir, I do not mean our ancestors, but those who are to come immediately after them.

Sir Boyle Roche

I didn’t say that I didn’t say it. I said that I didn’t say that I said it. I want to make that very clear.

George Romney, US businessman

It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.

Axl Rose, musician

I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.

Ian Rush, footballer

The Queen Mother is wearing dark black.

Audrey Russell, broadcaster

When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the marriage of 1996 or prior to?

Deion Sanders, American football player

There are kids out there who’d chop their legs off to play football for Brighton.

Robbie Savage, football pundit

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, US politician

Not many teams score two goals at Chelsea in the first half, let alone ninety minutes.

Alan Shearer, football pundit

Not one of the Arsenal players surrounded the referee.

Alan Shearer

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields, actress

I think that Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it is true lightness.

Alicia Silverstone, actress

I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.

Jessica Simpson, singer

It comes from a film called An Officer and a Gentleman, and it’s the title song, ‘Up Where We Belong’.

Mike Smith, radio DJ

Matt Le Tissier was a super striker of the ball, but he never played for a big club. If he had, we’d be talking about him as a super striker of the ball.

Graeme Souness, football pundit

I’m not convinced that Scotland will play a typically English game.

Gareth Southgate, football manager

Rafa Benítez will be keeping at least two eyes on the Champions League.

DJ Spoony, musician/sports presenter

A lot of people my age are dead at the present time.

Casey Stengel, veteran baseball manager

You’re stepping on a treadmill that you don’t know where it takes you.

Andrew Strauss, cricketer

If you were in the Brondby dressing room right now, which of the Liverpool players would you be looking at?

Ray Stubbs, sports broadcaster

Brough Scott: What are your immediate thoughts, Walter?

Walter Swinburn: I don’t have any immediate thoughts at the moment.

ITV Racing

Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl. Except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish.

Graham Taylor, football manager

Further Flight seems to get better and better, although he’s not as good as he was.

Derek Thompson, horse-racing broadcaster

You must be lost for words. Tell us how it feels.

Derek Thompson

He’s a great player – he can turn something into nothing.

Mike Tindall, rugby player

It’s never easy sometimes.

Andy Townsend, football pundit

Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool.

Fred Trueman, cricket commentator

Zoos provide a very useful breeding ground for extinct species.

Lowri Turner, broadcaster

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.

Bob Varsha, American motor-sport announcer

Unless they get bowled out, England won’t declare tonight.

Michael Vaughan, cricket broadcaster

These are the sort of doors that get opened if you don’t close them.

Terry Venables, football manager

I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.

Barry Venison, footballer

All the reds are in the open now, apart from the blue.

John Virgo, snooker commentator

Percentage-wise, what, one out of ten?

John Virgo

Arsenal’s first touch and movement is amazing. I hope the people listening are watching this.

Chris Waddle, football pundit, Radio 5 Live

She [Monica Seles] has so much control of the racket with those double-handed wrists.

Virginia Wade, tennis broadcaster

As you all know, there is no ‘I’ in ‘championship’.

Barry Wagner, American football player

This would have been [Ayrton] Senna’s third win in a row had he won the other two.

Murray Walker, motor-racing commentator

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet, as he is known, and always has been.

Murray Walker

There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.

Murray Walker

You can see now that the gap between [Nigel] Mansell and [Nelson] Piquet is rather more than just visual.

Murray Walker

[Patrick] Tambay’s hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.

Murray Walker

‘If’ is a very long word.

Murray Walker

If that isn’t a lap record I’ll eat the hat I don’t normally wear.

Murray Walker

If the gloves weren’t off before – and they were – they sure are now!

Murray Walker

And now excuse me while I interrupt myself.

Murray Walker

And now the goals from Carrow Road, where the game finished 0-0.

Elton Welsby, sports broadcaster

The owner has said he has a bottomless pit of money to get this club into shape. I think he might need a little bit more than that.

Ronnie Whelan, football pundit

Those who say that I am not in agreement with the policy are, rightly or wrongly, quite wrong.

William Whitelaw, British politician

I have the thermometer in my mouth and I’m listening to it all the time.

William Whitelaw

This amendment does more damage than it does harm.

Cynthia Willard-Lewis, US politician

We should allow those who have sacrificed their lives for this country to come and live in this country.

Sir Nicholas Winterton, British politician

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?

Leon Wood, American basketball player, to TV commentator Steve Albert.

There’s a basic rule which runs through all kinds of music, kind of an unwritten rule. I don’t know what it is.

Ronnie Wood, musician

Has there ever been any link between asbestos and asbestos-linked diseases?

Jimmy Young, broadcaster

Our back has got to be against the wall before we can read the writing on it.

Helen Zille, South African politician

A lot of horses get distracted. It’s just human nature.

Nick Zito, American racehorse trainer