The Confidence Project

Your plan for personal growth, happiness and success

DR ROB YEUNG

To Stephen, Judy and Steve – for helping me to build a rock-solid foundation for my confident life.

About the author

Psychologist Rob Yeung, PhD, is a bestselling author, thinker and adviser. His internationally bestselling books include How to Stand Out: Proven Tactics for Getting Noticed (Capstone) and E is for Exceptional: The New Science of Success (Pan Books).

He is an in-demand broadcaster and commentator and appears on major television shows globally including on the BBC, CNN and CNBC. He has written for newspapers and been quoted in publications including the Financial Times, Daily Telegraph, Guardian and Wall Street Journal.

Dr Yeung is also a keynote speaker who has spoken at conferences and corporate events all over the world. He is frequently asked to speak at conferences and runs workshops on topics such as the psychology of motivation, leadership, influence and persuasion, sales success, confidence, change and high achievement.

He has advised organizations ranging from large multinational corporations to smaller start-ups. And, when he can find the time to do so, he also coaches individuals and lectures to university and business school students.

www.robyeung.com

www.twitter.com/robyeung

www.facebook.com/drrobyeung

Introduction

‘You can’t teach talent. You can’t put in what God left out – but you can teach confidence.’

Gloria Naylor

Welcome to The Confidence Project, a book that I hope will provide a useful new way of looking at the topic of confidence. Most of all, however, this book is about you, your confidence and what it can help you to do. So allow me to begin by asking you a question.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident would you say you are? Let’s suppose that a 1 means you’re filled with anxiety, worry and self-doubt over just about everything – both at work and in your personal life. You shy away from colleagues as well as people in social settings. You are troubled by much in life and find the world a very threatening place.

On the other hand, a 10 would mean that you feel completely confident in every area of your life. You are not only supremely at ease but quite certain that you can conquer all of life’s challenges. You feel totally secure in your personal relationships and friendships. You know that you are brilliant at your job, too.

So where would you put yourself? Before we move on, can I suggest that you do give this a go and assign a number, a rating, to your confidence? In all likelihood, you are neither a 1 nor a 10. Clearly, exceptionally low confidence isn’t a good thing: it would make everything in life quite difficult – speaking up at work, meeting new friends, dating, going for job interviews and generally having peace of mind.

But neither is extremely high confidence desirable. Now, you may imagine that more self-belief is a good thing. You may have picked up this book because you wanted to boost your confidence. And yes, some self-confidence is a good thing. But I’ll show you that too much confidence can be as harmful as too little. In fact, a high level of fearlessness can occasionally be such a bad thing that I call it the curse of confidence. So this book is not only aimed at people who want to be bolder: it’s also a warning and a set of recommendations for those who feel they are plenty confident as well.

Coming back to that 1–10 scale, I’ll argue that the optimal amount of self-belief would put you only at a score of around 6 or 7 out of 10. No, really. You may find that surprisingly low – of course, I’ll explain this fully later in the book. But that’s already good news if you feel a little too timid. You don’t need to aim to get to a 9 or 10 out of 10.

In our very first chapter, I’ll show you that having too much confidence could in fact be problematic and self-defeating. And it’s actually the people with only moderate levels of self-belief who do best.

Understanding what really helps confidence

There are plenty of books around on the topic of confidence. However, I wanted to write a really easy-to-follow book to help everyone with their confidence. So that’s both about supporting people who need greater confidence as well as advising individuals who perhaps need to steer clear of the little-recognized dangers of too much confidence.

But allow me to give you some context by explaining how I decided what to include in The Confidence Project – and what to leave out. To do so, here’s a little thought experiment for you to consider.

Imagine for a moment that you get introduced to a friend of a friend – he’s called Jack – who tells you about an experience he had to help him to feel more buoyant. He booked a session with a Mrs Dorothy Dreher, who was a neuro-dynamic confidence counsellor, apparently.

When he arrived at her office, he had been expecting someone in her fifties, but Mrs Dreher was probably in her mid-thirties. Dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. White blouse, dark skirt. Hint of an Eastern European accent.

Over the course of an hour, she helped him to achieve a deep state of relaxation. She played a CD of relaxing sounds: fat raindrops hitting wooden decking, bamboo wind chimes knocking together gently. She asked him to slow his breathing until he was nearly asleep.

Throughout the session, Mrs Dreher also asked Jack to tap the inside of his left wrist with his right index finger. Apparently, that was the neuro-dynamic bit: a technique of embedding the feeling of relaxed confidence into the deepest parts of his brain. With another four sessions, she said, it would reprogramme his brain to make that sense of confidence the new normal.

Yes, it was expensive, he tells you. But he has already paid for his next few sessions and can’t wait to see the results.

So here’s the question: would you give it a go? Would you pick up the telephone to book a session with Mrs Dreher?

Personally, I would want to know a lot more about this mysterious technique. Because we have no way of knowing purely from the recollections of a friend whether the treatment is genuinely helpful or merely an expensive waste of time.

Obviously, Jack felt that he benefited from it. But perhaps you’re genuinely smarter and less naive. You’re not the kind of person to fall for any old nonsense. And, of course, you don’t want to be ripped off or to invest time in a method that’s a dud.

Or, assuming that this so-called neuro-dynamic method does work – do you really need to visit Mrs Dreher and pay her eye-wateringly expensive fees? Could you get the same benefit from listening to a soundtrack of relaxing rain and chime sounds at home while occasionally tapping the inside of your wrist? Actually, is the tapping even necessary? Might it even be the case that simply listening to the relaxing sounds alone is enough to augment your confidence?

Unfortunately, we simply cannot know the answers to any of these questions. The testimony of a single – albeit utterly enthusiastic – individual just isn’t enough.

The only way to find out would be to put the neuro-dynamic technique under proper scrutiny: to test its alleged benefits in a scientific experiment known as a randomized controlled trial (often abbreviated to RCT by researchers).

In RCT experiments, there are two main principles. The first is simply the need to test out the technique on sufficient numbers of people. Research scientists usually recruit dozens or even hundreds of folks into their studies rather than testing new methods out on only a single individual like Jack. Even a handful of people isn’t enough. That way, they can tell whether a psychological technique works for most people.

Then, to figure out whether the tapping was truly an integral part of the technique, we would need to compare the tapping method against a plausible alternative. So we might instruct a group of people in the tapping over, say, the course of an hour. And we would invite a similar number of other folks to relax: to sit and listen to relaxing sounds for the same length of time.

If we thought that tapping should produce the more powerful boost to confidence, then the people in that group would be said to be in the experimental group. The people performing the plausible alternative would be in a control group – so-called because we’re trying to control the experiment to rule out alternative explanations. And this is the second principle of scientific inquiry: the need for a control group.

Finally, we would ask our experimental participants to complete questionnaires measuring how they actually felt. Only by comparing the benefits that people reported in each group could we conclude what effects the neuro-dynamic technique actually had. Did it help people? Was it a waste of time? Or, even worse, did it actually harm people and make them feel less confident?

Of course, neuro-dynamic confidence counselling doesn’t exist. It’s something I made up. But the point is that this book is packed only with stuff that has been tested and shown to work.

Harnessing the proven psychology of confidence

I work as a psychologist and I feel really passionately about the need for systematically tested advice. Because, without proper evidence for what works, we’re all vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Without proper evidence for what works, we’re all vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

We know there are people in all manner of trades and professions who are happy to make their living by ripping off or outright conning people. Everyone knows a horror story of an electrician or plumber, builder or decorator who charged a fortune but delivered massively substandard work. We hear of financial advisers and unscrupulous bankers who push financial products on to hapless customers who don’t really understand what they’ve bought.

When it comes to our physical health, there are dodgy so-called nutrition experts prescribing expensive but ineffective diets for people struggling with troublesome medical conditions. And companies as well as individuals are selling alleged anti-ageing treatments that are either worthless or even harmful.

The same goes for our psychological health and well-being. Unfortunately, there are life coaches, motivational speakers, gurus and other advisers who are equally bad when it comes to boosting your confidence. Many of these advisers may be well intentioned. They may genuinely believe that their advice works.

But what if it doesn’t? What if they’re not just conning themselves – but the general public as well?

I want to protect you by offering you only proven methods to build your confidence, because that was the way I was trained when I did my two degrees in psychology. I completed an undergraduate degree in psychology at the University of Bristol and then a PhD, a doctorate in psychology at King’s College London. And over the course of those six years of study, the one thing that was drilled, drilled, drilled into me was the importance of data-based evidence. No matter how much we sometimes may wish for something to work, we have to have proof that it works.

Now, as a practising psychologist, I try as far as possible to recommend techniques and interventions that have been backed by science. Whether I’m coaching an individual, running a workshop or speaking to a huge crowd at a conference, I don’t just tell them what they should be doing. I explain why, too.

And that’s what I aim to do with this book on confidence. Rather than merely telling you what you should be doing, I shall explain the experimental set-ups that researchers use in their studies. In this way, furnished with that extra background and the reasons why you should be using these techniques, you won’t be taking only my word that these are effective interventions. You’ll be reading about the evidence and judging for yourself that these work. By doing so, I hope that you’ll feel more inspired to work the techniques into your own confidence project and stick with them.

Too often, so-called experts who tout solutions for low (or overly high) confidence do so based on opinion. But the solutions within this book are not based on the mere opinions of either myself or any other individuals; they are based on proven psychological research, which allows us to measure quite categorically what helps people with their confidence.

This book is filled with leading-edge advice. But I called this book The Confidence Project because I see it as a practical, helpful guide on how much confidence you need and how to make the most of yourself.

So remember, as we continue through the book, that these are not merely techniques that I have dreamed up. There is scientific knowledge underpinning every piece of advice.

But this isn’t going to be a dry treatise about confidence. It’s intended to be an intensely practical book for anyone interested in how to reprogramme thoughts, feelings and behaviours. You’ll learn how to apply new psychological principles and use techniques to upgrade either your life or the lives of those around you.

And, as we explore the psychology of confidence, we shall see that there is genuine cause to be optimistic. You can be more confident.

There is genuinely cause to be optimistic. You can be more confident.

Navigating through The Confidence Project

If you feel that either you or someone close to you does not need more confidence, you’ll find advice on this special situation in Chapter 1. But, for the most part, this book is about feeling more confident, behaving more confidently and ultimately crafting a more confident life.

That can take many forms. Perhaps you crave more confidence when giving presentations or going for job interviews. Maybe you want to stand up for yourself more – whether that’s with colleagues at work or domineering members of the family or friends. You may wish to network more assuredly at professional gatherings or make a better impression at social events, parties and on dates. Perhaps you’re a dancer, a musician, an entertainer, an athlete who needs to perform at your very best during auditions or overcome your nerves in sporting arenas.

Or maybe you’re hoping to change the trajectory of your life. You may feel that you’re stuck in a difficult situation and have a pressing need to get out – or you got out but want help in moving on fully. Perhaps you would love to start up a business or embark on some new venture. Maybe you want to get better at handling criticism and rejection. Or you wish you could feel less fearful so that you can live your life more fully. Whatever your circumstances, I hope to provide you with advice that has been shown to make a difference.

To these ends, I’ll be covering both speedy techniques as well as more deeply effective strategies. I’ve structured the book into four parts and a conclusion as follows:

•  Part I: Understanding the consequences and complications of confidence. In this first part of the book, I’ll do away with some outdated ideas about confidence. Yes, experts used to think not so long ago that high self-confidence was always desirable, but modern psychology punctures such claims. I already mentioned that too much self-belief may harm rather than help us – so why is that? And what can we do to avoid such pitfalls? Another myth: that folks who behave confidently in public must also feel confident privately. In actuality, we’ll see that some people who act boldly may secretly be tormented by insecurity and self-doubt. That’s because there’s a big difference between feeling confident and behaving confidently. Confident feelings and confident behaviour are separate things. I call them inward-emotional confidence versus outward-social confidence. Maybe you want assistance only with one or the other sort – or both. So in the two chapters that make up Part I, I’ll upgrade your understanding on the nature of modern-day confidence.

•  Part II: Increasing your inward-emotional confidence. I mentioned the difference between feeling confident and behaving more confidently and this part tackles the feeling bit of the equation. Countless people agonize over past mistakes, failures, criticisms or rejections and relive them over and over again in their minds. Others worry about their present circumstances. And still others can’t help but fret about what might go wrong in the days, months or years to come. ‘What if I lose my job?’ ‘What if my partner leaves me and I’m left with nothing?’ ‘What if the audience laughs at me?’ So many people are troubled by feelings of anxiety, distressing mental images or negative thoughts. But there is good news: there are plenty of simple but proven techniques that can help you to tackle bothersome feelings (Chapter 3), images (Chapter 4) and thoughts (Chapter 5).

•  Part III: Enhancing your outward-social confidence. Part III will focus on the skills, strategies and simple rules that we can all apply when we want to broadcast confidence so that other people see us at our best. These chapters will cover scenarios such as giving speeches and presentations, standing out during job interviews or auditions, asserting ourselves and engaging in conversations whether with friends or potential romantic partners. I’ll also include research-backed guidance on both dating and maintaining fulfilling, long-term relationships. Some of these tactics involve changes to our body language, our use of eye contact, our posture. Other techniques are more psychological in nature but have still been shown to give folks demonstrable boosts to their credibility, their likeability, their impact.

•  Part IV: Cultivating lifelong confidence. I’ve already mentioned that true, deep, lasting confidence doesn’t come about immediately. And, in this part of the book, I’ll delve into several of the more involved methods that have been shown to bring about profound, literally life-changing levels of confidence. We’ll discuss problem-solving strategies for tackling life’s most difficult obstacles and opportunities. We’ll look at how deep-rooted ways of thinking about yourself and the world can either support or stall your attempts to feel stronger. And we shall explore how you can set effective goals and achieve the kind of life that will genuinely contribute to your well-being and peace of mind.

•  Conclusions: Onwards, upwards and over to you. By the time you’ve read the four main parts of this book, we will have discussed several dozen different techniques, exercises, tactics and rules for changing not only how you see yourself but also how you behave. It would be overwhelming to try to do everything at once and I suggest that you need to be more strategic, choosy and careful about how you spend your time. So I’ll end the book by giving you some practical advice on how to pull it all together into a personal plan that will deliver results week after week, and month after month.

Over to you

I hope that The Confidence Project isn’t a book that you read. Well, of course I hope you read it. But I don’t want you to just read it and then set it aside. I fervently hope that you will apply what you learn, that you will put pen to paper or fingers on keyboard to make a few notes or do the occasional exercise. I hope you will not only try the techniques once or twice but practise them enough that they become familiar and genuinely helpful.

Throughout the book, then, I will include boxes like this one to summarize exactly what you need to do in order to upgrade your confidence. My suggestion is to take your time with the book. Over the weeks and months to come, I sincerely hope that you will return frequently to the boxes scattered across these pages in furtherance of your confidence project.

There is also a glossary at the end of the book with a handy reminder of all the terminology that we cover.

Taking a modern look at confidence

Whether you’re reading this book to aid yourself or someone else in your life, I’m certain that you will come across genuinely new insights into the true nature of confidence. Actually, psychologists don’t really even use the word ‘confidence’. Different researchers refer to various specific, technical concepts such as self-efficacy, self-esteem, optimism, resilience, coping and psychological well-being. But you won’t have to worry about any of those. My job is to wade into the morass of jargon to pick out what will actually enable you to feel stronger and get real results.

As we travel together from one chapter to the next, we’ll look at techniques drawn from fields including sport psychology, cognitive behavioural therapy and neuroscience. We will review time-honoured approaches such as mindfulness and using your body language to best effect. And we’ll investigate newer confidence-upgrading techniques such as imagery rescripting, cognitive defusion and hemispheric activation, too.

We will also examine some of the controversies in the field of confidence-building research. For instance, you may have heard of something that has been called the power pose. The original claim was that assuming a commanding posture – standing tall with your feet apart and your hands on your hips – actually boosts the dominance hormone testosterone and reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol. However, recent research has disputed this. So what’s going on? What helps your confidence – and what doesn’t?

We’ll debunk myths along the way as well. An example: it is often assumed that extraverts are always confident while introverts are always anxious and self-doubting. But we shall discover the truth is that many extraverts don’t actually feel terribly confident. At the same time, introverts can feel absolutely secure and happy within themselves.

Many extraverts don’t actually feel terribly confident. At the same time, introverts can feel absolutely secure and happy within themselves.

By the time we get to the end of The Confidence Project, you’ll be able to separate the facts from the hype. And you’ll be equipped to begin a personal project that will genuinely make a difference to either your life or the lives of those around you – no matter how much (or how little) confidence you have.

Anyway, enough of the preamble; it’s time to get started by exploring why you may not need as much self-belief as you think you do. In fact, I’ll show you in our first chapter that too much confidence may actually be quite debilitating.

PART I

Understanding the consequences and complications of confidence