The No F**ks Given Guide Omnibus

The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k
Calm the F**k Down
and
Get Your Sh*t Together

Sarah Knight

The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k first published in Great Britain in 2015 by Quercus Editions Ltd
Get Your Sh*t Together first published in Great Britain in 2016 by Quercus Editions Ltd
Calm the F**k Down first published in Great Britain 2018 by Quercus Editions Ltd

This omnibus edition first published in ebook in Great Britain in 2020 by

Quercus Editions Ltd
Carmelite House
50 Victoria Embankment
London EC4Y 0DZ

An Hachette UK company

The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k © 2015 Emergency Biscuit Inc.
Get Your Sh*t Together © 2016 MCSnugz Inc.
Calm the F**k Down © 2018 MCSnugz Inc.

The moral right of Sarah Knight to be identified as the author of these works has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781529411713 (Ebook omnibus)

The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k Ebook ISBN 9781784298494
Get Your Sh*t Together Ebook ISBN 9781786484093
Calm the F**k Down Ebook ISBN 9781787476219

Every effort has been made to contact copyright holders. However, the publishers will be glad to rectify in future editions any inadvertent omissions brought to their attention.

Quercus Editions Ltd hereby exclude all liability to the extent permitted by law for any errors or omissions in this book and for any loss, damage or expense (whether direct or indirect) suffered by a third party relying on any information contained in this book.

Cover design © 2020

www.quercusbooks.co.uk

About the Author

Sarah Knight's first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, has been published in more than twenty languages, and her TEDx talk, "The Magic of Not Giving a Fuck," has nearly five million views. All of the books in her No Fucks Given Guides series have been international bestsellers, including Get Your Shit Together, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for sixteen weeks. Her writing has also appeared in Glamour, Harper's Bazaar, Marie Claire, Red, Refinery29, and elsewhere. After quitting her corporate job to pursue a freelance life, she moved from Brooklyn, New York, to the Dominican Republic, where she currently resides with her husband, two feral rescue cats, and a shitload of lizards.

You can learn more and sign up for her newsletter at nofucksgivenguides.com, follow Sarah on Twitter and Instagram @MCSnugz, and follow the books @NoFucksGivenGuides and @NoFucksGiven

Praise for Sarah Knight

‘The best book I have read recently … Absolutely blinding. Read it. Do it’

Liz Jones, Mail on Sunday

‘Life-affirming … The key practice she advocates is devising for yourself a "f**k budget" … It's a beautiful way of streamlining your psyche’

Lucy Mangan, Guardian

‘Genius’

Cosmopolitan

‘Self-help with an edge’

Vogue

‘My new Saviour … hilarious’

Psychologies

‘Our favourite anti-guru Sarah Knight is here to serve truth bomb realness’

Glamour

‘Genius … Get Your Sh*t Together is more of Knight's special brand of anti-self-help self-help, peppered with profanity and witty pop culture references’

Vogue

‘Hilarious, intelligent and fierce’

Big Issue

Title

A fucking disclaimer

This is a book about not giving a fuck. In order to practically quantify my methods, I’ve confessed to banishing many objects, concepts, events, activities, and people from my life. You may not agree with all of my choices. Fair. You may even think you recognize yourself in these pages — particularly if you are a parent of small children, a karaoke enthusiast, a friend, family member, or former colleague of mine. If so, you’re either correct, or delusional. In any case, if you’re offended by anything I’ve written, then you really need this book. Proceed immediately to page 25: “You Need to Stop Giving a Fuck About What Other People Think.”

Introduction

If you’re like me, you’ve been giving too many fucks about too many things for too long. You’re overextended and overburdened by life. Stressed out, anxious, maybe even panic-stricken about your commitments.

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck is for all of us who work too much, play too little, and never have enough time to devote to the people and things that truly make us happy.

I was almost thirty years old when I began to realize it was possible to stop giving so many fucks, but I was nearly forty before I figured out how to make it happen on a grand scale. This book is a culmination of everything I’ve learned about not giving a fuck, a testament to the pleasure it has brought me, and a step-by-step guide for those wishing to free themselves from the shackles of fuck-giving in pursuit of healthier, happier lives.

If the title sounds familiar, congratulations! You haven’t been living under a rock as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Japanese decluttering expert Marie Kondo has climbed bestseller lists all over the world. Millions of people have discovered her two-step KonMari Method, discarding items that do not “spark joy” and then organizing the ones they have left. The result is a clean, tranquil living space that,
Ms Kondo claims, promotes transformation even outside the home.

So what does a Japanese book about tidying up have to do with my manifesto on not giving a fuck?

Why, I thought you’d never ask!

As prim, genteel, and effective at organizing your physical clutter as Ms Kondo is, I’ve got something else in store for you . . .

Tidying up your fuck drawer

In the summer of 2015 I quit my job at a major publishing house, a career that had been fifteen years in the making, to start my own business as a freelance editor and writer. The day I walked out of my high-rise office building — sliding down that corporate ladder faster than a stripper down the last pole of the night — I eliminated a whole category of fucks I had previously given to supervisors, co-workers, my commute, my wardrobe, my alarm clock, and more.

I stopped giving a fuck about Sales Conferences. I stopped giving a fuck about “business-casual” and “town-hall meetings”. I stopped keeping track of my vacation days like a prisoner tallying her sentence in hash marks on the cell-block wall.

Once I was released from the yoke of corporate ennui, I naturally had a bit of time on my hands and the freedom to spend it as I wished. I slept until I was damn well ready to get up, ate lunch with my husband, worked on a freelance gig or two (or maybe went to the beach), and avoided the New York City subway as much as humanly possible.

I also read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. As a generally tidy person, I didn’t think I was in dire need of Ms Kondo’s advice, but I’m always looking for ways to make my apartment look more like Real Simple magazine — and, hey, my time was my own to work, nap, or declutter as I saw fit.

Well, let me tell you, this little book works as advertised. It was almost . . . dare I say . . . magic?

Within hours, I had KonMari’d my husband’s sock drawer, which involves getting rid of socks you don’t like and never wear (or, in this case, socks I knew he didn’t like and never wore), then refolding the rest to look like little soldiers standing at attention, so when you next open the drawer, you can see all of them in one glance. After viewing the results, my husband — who’d initially thought I was batshit crazy to spend my time organizing his sock drawer — was a convert. He did the rest of his drawers and his closet all by himself the very next day.

If you haven’t read Marie Kondo’s book, allow me to explain why we were so motivated to do this work.

Beyond discarding items of clothing we no longer need or enjoy (and therefore being excited about all of our remaining options), we’ve decreased the time spent figuring out what to wear (because we can see everything in a single drawer with one look), nothing gets “lost” in a drawer any more (because we follow Ms Kondo’s method of stand-up folding), and we do a lot less laundry (because we haven’t tricked ourselves into thinking we’re “out” of clothes when in fact the good stuff was just crumpled up in the back of the bureau under the pants that don’t fit).

In other words: Life is significantly better now that we can see all of our socks. And I ran around for weeks evangelizing to anybody who would listen (and many who would not).

Suddenly, with all the job-quitting and sock-tidying, I found myself in a life-changing kind of mood!

As I contemplated my exceptionally tidy home, I felt more peaceful, sure. I like a clear surface and a well-organized kitchen cabinet. But it was the freedom I felt from leaving a job I wasn’t happy in — and being able to add people and things and events and hobbies that made me happy back into my life — that truly brought happiness. These were things that had been displaced not by twenty-two pairs of balled-up socks, but by too many obligations and too much mental clutter.

That’s when I realized . . . it’s not really about the socks, is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I admire Marie Kondo for starting a revolution of decluttering physical spaces to bring more joy to one’s life. It worked on me, and it’s clearly working on millions of people around the world. But as she says in her book, “Life truly begins after you have put your house in order.”

Well, I put my house in order. The real magic happened when I focused on my fucks.

Let’s back up a little bit.

The art of mental decluttering

I was a born fuck-giver. Maybe you are too.

As a self-described overachieving perfectionist, I gave my fucks liberally all throughout my childhood and adolescence. I tackled numerous projects, tasks, and standardized tests in order to prove myself worthy of respect and admiration from my family, friends, and even casual acquaintances. I socialized with people I did not like in order to appear benevolent; I performed jobs that were beneath me in order to appear helpful; I ate things that disgusted me in order to appear gracious. In short, I gave way too many fucks for far, far too long.

This was no way to live.

The first time I met someone who just didn’t give a fuck was in my early twenties. We’ll call him Jeff. A successful business owner with a large circle of friends, Jeff simply could not be bothered to do things he didn’t want to do. And yet, he was widely liked and respected. He didn’t show up to your toddler’s dance recital or to watch you cross the finish line at your seventeenth 5K, but it was okay, because that was just him, you know? He was a perfectly nice, sociable, and well-thought-of guy, but he clearly reserved his fucks for things that were especially important to him — having a close relationship with his kids, playing golf, catching Deal or No Deal every night. The rest of it?

Could. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

And he always seemed so positively contented and,
well, happy.

Huh, I often thought to myself after spending time with him. I wish I could be more like Jeff.

Later, in my mid twenties, I had a downstairs neighbour who was an absolute nightmare. But for some reason I cared enough about his opinion of me to submit to his insane requests (like the time he corralled a friend to stomp around my apartment in high-heeled boots while I listened with him from his living room below, hearing nothing, but gamely agreeing that it was “a little noisy”).

He was clearly unhinged — so why did it matter if he liked me or not? In retrospect, I should have stopped giving a fuck about Mr Rosenberg the first time he accused my room-mate of “heavy exercising” in the bedroom above his . . . when my room-mate had been travelling in Europe for two weeks.

Then, nearing thirty, I got engaged and started planning a wedding — an act that demands a veritable cornucopia of fucks given: the budget, the venue, the catering, the dress, the photos, the flowers, the band, the guest list, the invitations (wording and thickness thereof), the vows, the cake, and everything else — the list goes on. Many of these things I truly cared about, but some of them I didn’t; and yet, I gave each and every one of them a fuck because I didn’t know any better. I became so stressed out that I was about as far from contented and happy as it gets. By the time the Big Day rolled around, I had migraines, a persistent stomach ache, and a case of hives the same rosy pink as the floral detail on my gown.

Looking back, was arguing with my husband over playing “Brown-Eyed Girl” at the reception really worth my time (or his)?

Had minute attention to detail re: the selection of passed hors d’oeuvres really been necessary when I didn’t get to eat any of them because they were passed during our photos?

Nope.

But — and here’s where the tide turned ever so slightly — I had won one small victory: I may have had to give a fuck about the guest list (because I definitely gave a fuck about the budget), but you know what I never gave a fuck about? Seating charts!

In deciding that all of my wedding guests were grown-ass adults who didn’t need my help in choosing a seat for the privilege of being fed, soused, and entertained on my dime, I had eliminated hours — perhaps a dozen or more — of poring over the event-space schematics and moving aunts, uncles, and plus-ones around like beads on a goddamn abacus. Win!

After the wedding fuckscapade, I was exhausted. I’d been pushed to my breaking point. Yet I’d also seen a silver lining in that abandoned seating chart. I knew that seating charts were supposed to matter to me, but they didn’t. Instead of putting that feeling of obligation ahead of my own personal preference, I’d just decided not to give a fuck and let the butts land where they may. And did anyone complain to the blushing bride? No, they did not.

Hmm . . .

Little by little over the next several years, I stopped giving a fuck about small things that annoyed me. I RSVP’d “no” to a couple of after-work mixers. I unfriended some truly irritating people on Facebook. I refused to suffer through another “reading” of your “play”.

And little by little, I started feeling better. Less burdened. More peaceful. I hung up on telemarketers; I said no to a weekend trip with toddlers; I stopped watching season 2 of True Detective after only one episode. I was becoming my true self, able to focus more on people and things that actually, as Marie Kondo might say, “sparked joy”.

Soon, I realized I had my own insights to share with regard to life-changing magic.

Brings you happiness? Then by all means, keep giving a fuck.

But perhaps the more pertinent question is:

Does it annoy?

If so, you need to stop giving a fuck, post-haste. And I can show you how.

I’ve developed a programme for decluttering and reorganizing your mental space by not giving a fuck, wherein not giving a fuck means not spending time, energy, and/or money on things that neither make you happy nor improve your life (annoy), so that you have more time, energy, and/or money to devote to the things that do (bring happiness).

I call it the NotSorry Method. It has two steps:

1. Deciding what you don’t give a fuck about

2. Not giving a fuck about those things

And of course, “Not Sorry” is how you should feel when you’ve accomplished this.

My method is quite simple — and this book offers you the tools and perspective to master it, and to radically improve your day-to-day existence. In fact, once you begin implementing NotSorry, you’ll never want or need to give an extraneous fuck ever again.

The magic of not giving a fuck

In this book, you will learn:

Why giving a fuck about what other people think is your worst enemy — and how to stop doing it

How to sort your fucks into categories for ease in identifying annoy vs joy

Simple criteria for whether or not you should give a fuck (e.g., “Does this affect anyone other than me?”)

The keys to not giving a fuck without being an asshole

The importance of making (and sticking to) a Fuck Budget

How mastering the art of giving fewer, better fucks can transform your life

And much, much more!

Just think about how much better your life would be if you could say no to things you really don’t give a fuck about and have more time, energy, and money to say yes to the things you do.

For example, when I stopped giving a fuck about putting on make-up before leaving my apartment just to go to the grocery store, I gained ten leisurely minutes to sit on my couch and read the Us Weekly I’d just bought at said grocery store.

Or, when I stopped giving a fuck about going to baby showers — an activity I positively loathe — I gained untold Sunday afternoons of freedom!

And all that time I save by not going to baby showers? Well, first, I pour myself a double shot of Patrón, and then it’s only a few clicks on Giggle.com to order a shiny new breast pump for the mother-to-be, after which I raise a glass to my old housemate’s once-amazing boobs.

Fare thee well, ladies!

Ten minutes online versus four hours of diaper-decorating games and virgin punch? For me, it’s a no-brainer. For you, baby showers could be a fuck-worthy activity, while it’s, I don’t know, prowling yard sales every weekend with your deal-seeking significant other that brings you no end of annoy.

The specifics don’t matter. What matters is, if you follow my NotSorry Method for not giving a fuck, your spirit will be lighter, your calendar will be clearer, and your time and energy will be spent on only the things and people you enjoy.

It’s life-changing. Swear to God.

I
On giving, and not giving, a fuck

Ask yourself the following question: Am I stressed out, overbooked, and/or underwhelmed by life?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then pause for a moment to ask yourself: Why?

I’m willing to bet the answer is: Because you give too many fucks. Or, more specifically, because you think you have to give those fucks.

I’m here to help.

During the course of this book, you’ll see the term giving a fuck used in two ways:

There’s the colloquial sense of caring about something, which factors into Step 1 (deciding what you don’t give a fuck about).

Then there’s a literal sense of actually giving a fuck to someone or something, in the form of time, energy, and/or money. This factors into Step 2 (not giving a fuck about those things).

In both senses, the only way to change your life for the better is to stop giving so fucking many of them. My NotSorry Method minimizes the time, energy, and money you spend on useless people and things. Admit it: you know exactly who and what I’m talking about!

It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s get started, shall we?

Why should I give a fuck?

This is one of life’s essential questions. Or at least it should be.

Rather than blindly pressing forward and saying Yes, YES, YES!!! to all of the people and things that demand your time, energy, and/or money (including purchasing and reading this book), the first thing you should be asking yourself before uttering that dirty little three-letter word is, Do I really give a fuck?

You may not realize it, but the number of fucks you personally have to give is a finite and precious commodity. Give too many, and you run out — it’s like getting to zero in your bank account — which results in your feeling anxious, stressed out, and desperate. That’s no good! Later on, you’ll make a Fuck Budget, which will help you value and prioritize and stop giving so many unnecessary fucks now and forever.

But before we get to not giving a fuck, let’s talk about when you should give a fuck.

You should give a fuck if something — be it human, inanimate, or conceptual — does not annoy and does bring you happiness. Sometimes that calculation is easy and the decision is obvious. Huzzah! Very exciting. But more often — and the reason you need the NotSorry Method — you’re not pausing to make any calculation at all, or you’re making the wrong one.

Most people give away their fucks without much thought. Feelings of guilt, obligation, or anxiety cause them to behave in a manner that, while least objectionable to other people, is often detrimental to their own levels of annoy vs joy.

This makes no sense and is counterproductive to living your best life. (If you don’t want to be living your best life, you should just stop reading now.)

Still with me?

Okay, then, riddle me this: Instead of feeling guilty, obligated, and anxious, wouldn’t you rather feel empowered, benevolent, and carefree? You’d be like Santa Claus, except instead of toys, you’re walking around with a big ol’ bag of fucks and only doling them out to the boys and girls you deem worthy.

You can be the Santa of fucks!

So stop saying yes right away to please others and, instead, take a moment to question not only whether you give a fuck (i.e., care) about the matter at hand but whether it deserves a fuck (i.e., your time, energy, and/or money) given to it as a line item on your Fuck Budget.

It’s only after honestly answering these questions that we can allocate our fucks to the people and things, tasks and events, ideas and pursuits that annoy us least and, in turn, offer up the greatest capacity for happiness.

When you think about it, life is a series of yes-or-no choices, fucks given and fucks withheld. If you continue on your current path, then at the end of each day, or week, or month, you’re bound to find yourself scraping the bottom of your own personal fuck barrel — which is when you’ll realize that all those fucks you gave away were for the benefit of everyone but YOU.

The NotSorry Method changes all that.

It’s time to flip the script, reverse the curse, and stop giving all of your fucks to all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.

Not giving a fuck: The basics

Not giving a fuck means taking care of yourself first — like affixing your own oxygen mask before helping others.

Not giving a fuck means allowing yourself to say no. I don’t want to. I don’t have time. I can’t afford it.

Not giving a fuck — crucially — means releasing yourself from the worry, anxiety, fear, and guilt associated with saying no, allowing you to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.

Not giving a fuck means reducing mental clutter and eliminating annoying people and things from your life, freeing up space to truly enjoy all of the things you do give a fuck about.

This might sound selfish, and it is. But it also creates a better world for everyone around you.

You’ll stop worrying about all the things you have to do and start focusing on the things you want to do. You’ll be happier and more genial at work; your colleagues and clients will benefit. You’ll be better rested and more fun around friends. You might spend more time with your family — or you might spend less, making those moments you do share all the more precious.

And you’ll have more time, energy, and/or money to devote to living your best life. The people who embrace the life-changing magic of not giving a fuck are WINNING.

You want to be one of these people, don’t you?

Who are these mythical people who don’t give a fuck?

In my experience, people who don’t give a fuck fall into one of three categories:

Children

Assholes

The Enlightened

Children

Children pretty much have it made. They don’t give a fuck because they don’t have to. Generally, their basic needs are being met by the adults in their lives, and even if they’re not, children can barely tell the difference. Think about it: If someone else was doing your laundry all day, every day, would you give a fuck about spilling sweet potatoes in your lap or upending a yogurt cup on your head? No, you would not. If all you had to do was scream your face off to get a glass of water or a new toy, would you give a fuck about having forgotten where you put your previous glass of water or having drowned your Tickle Me Elmo in the tickle-me-toilet? Nope! And if you didn’t have fully developed fine-motor skills, would you give a fuck about tying your shoes? Not in a million years.

Part of the reason children don’t give a fuck is that they have no life experience. Their minds are tidy because the world’s bullshit has yet to be heaped upon them. They don’t have anything to declutter, mentally speaking.

Lucky little bastards.

But life is not fair, and they, and you, cannot remain children forever. At a certain point, we all have to suck it up and stop wearing Velcro sneakers. What you can do is find your way back to that magical equilibrium where the burden of adulthood is lifted by embracing the childlike zest of not giving a fuck.

Assholes

10 things assholes don’t give a fuck about

1. Other people’s personal space

2. Making you wait

3. Talking in the train’s quiet car

4. Littering

5. Tipping appropriately

6. Causing gross smells in confined areas

7. Using turn signals properly

8. Blocking the escalator

9. Cleaning up after their pets

10. Being perceived as assholes

Next up, we have assholes. Assholes don’t give a fuck because they are genetically predisposed to get what they want no matter who they have to offend, step on, or — yes — fuck over along the way. (Note: some children are also assholes, but for our purposes that does not matter.) Unlike my pal Jeff, these people are not generally respected or liked. Feared, maybe, but not liked.

If being liked is important to you, then you don’t want to turn into an asshole. Sure, you might free up a few nights on your calendar every week, but it won’t be because you took charge of your fucks and doled them out to events you really wanted to attend and people you really wanted to see. It will be because the invitations stopped coming altogether.

No, my method is about showing you how to have everything you want — and nothing that you don’t want — while also being thought of as a stand-up guy or gal. Which brings me to . . .

The Enlightened

That’s right. You can attain enlightenment without turning into an asshole. It’s possible to revert to that childlike state of not giving a fuck, but with a self-awareness that kids just can’t claim. Look, there’s a long list of things I still give a fuck about (being on time, getting eight hours of sleep, artisanal pizza), and near the top of that list is being polite. Honest, but polite.

For example, if you’re the kind of person who sends a handwritten thank-you note to your friends after you spend the weekend at their lake house, those same friends are unlikely to be offended when you decline their next invitation . . . to join them at their favourite historical re-enactment day.

It’s just common sense. You like lake houses and hate historical re-enactment? Send a thank-you note; don’t be an asshole. It’s a win-win!

How can I become one of those people?

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck is designed to help you achieve an enlightened state of essential fuck-giving without making all the same mistakes I did.

I’ll walk you through each step, helping you inventory your fucks and teaching you to identify whether a fuck needs giving and, if it does not, how to take action without turning into an asshole.

You see, my own journey to a significantly fuck-free life was not devoid of stumbling blocks. When I was just starting out, I stopped giving a fuck in a haphazard way; I attempted some really high-level NotSorry with regard to my friends and family — such as pre-emptively declining an invitation to a bris before it had been issued. I was so eager to not give a fuck about religious pageantry that I forgot I do give a fuck about my friend’s feelings. At the very moment I sent the Just FYI, I don’t do brises e-mail, his wife was in active labour with their firstborn son. Yikes. I’m still really sorry I did that.

I refined my approach.

At the heart of the NotSorry Method is “not being an asshole”. After all, I didn’t want to lose friends, I just wanted to manage my time more effectively so I could get greater enjoyment (and less annoyance) out of being with my friends.

And I found that a combination of honesty and politeness, exercised in tandem and to varying degrees (depending on what the situation calls for; see “unfortunately timed bris-related e-mails”), results in the smoothest transition to fewer fucks given.

Honesty and politeness: A dynamic duo

In order for you to achieve peak NotSorry in the process of not giving a fuck, honesty alone isn’t going to cut it, and neither is politeness all by itself. You could be extremely honest but very rude, which means someone deserves an apology. Or you could be superpolite and a fucking liar. Polite fibbing is one thing, but if you get caught in a monster lie, I guarantee you’re going to be sorry, which kinda defeats the entire purpose of the NotSorry Method. The key is to blend them into a perfect combination, like Siegfried and Roy, Hall and Oates, and Batman and Robin. Together they’re capable of making magic, hitting all the right notes, and saving the day. And they never fail to complement each other, even if one shines a little brighter at times, or gets mauled by a tiger.

But the fundamental precursor to implementing my NotSorry Method — before we even get to Step 1 or to being honest and polite — is to stop giving a fuck about what other people think.

Let’s go over that in detail.

You need to stop giving a fuck about what other people think

If the NotSorry Method unlocks the door to life-changing magic, not giving a fuck about what other people think is how you get on the property in the first place. Otherwise, you’ll be dog-paddling in the moat surrounding the Castle of Enlightenment, expending all your energy just trying to keep your head above water and fend off hungry alligators.

Not giving a fuck about what other people think paves the way towards taking Step 1 (deciding not to give a fuck). Then, you can express your decisions in a positive and productive way when taking Step 2 (not giving a fuck).

And you can do it without offending or enraging anyone! (Unless you really want to offend or enrage; sometimes that can be fun.)

But first things first.

Please listen when I say that the shame and guilt you feel when you’re trying so hard to not give a fuck? It’s usually not because you are wrong to not give that fuck. It’s because you’re worried about what other people might think about your decision.

And guess what? You have no control over what other people think.

For God’s sake, you have a hard enough time figuring out what you think! Believing that you have any control over what other people think — and wasting your fucks on that pursuit — is futile. It is a recipe for failure on a grand fucking scale.

When it comes to how your fuck-giving affects other people, all you can control is your behaviour with regard to their feelings, not their opinions. These are two different components related to “what other people think”, which I’ll discuss in depth in a moment. But for now, let’s look at my method in action re: giving a fuck about things you can and cannot control.

When I was wrestling with the idea of quitting my corporate job to go freelance, I was extremely anxious about all aspects of my decision — chief among them, abandoning my “career-track” and dropping a bomb on my bank account. But I was also consumed with worry about what other people (friends, family, boss, colleagues) would think about my decision. Is she lazy? Capricious? Suddenly too rich to work? Doesn’t she care that the rest of us will have to step in and pick up the slack when she leaves?

Now that I’m a seasoned NotSorry practitioner, I can unpack those feelings.

1. I was happy to do work — I just didn’t want to do it at that particular job any more. If people think I’m lazy, that’s their fucking problem.

2. I gave my decision quite a lot of thought and planning, and it’s nobody’s concern other than mine if I didn’t.

3. And no, I did not win the lottery. (But fuck you if I had — you’d quit your job too and you know it.)

In hindsight, these were relatively minor worries. The big one was whether, in leaving my job, I would knock other people’s lives temporarily out of whack and whether they would then be upset and blame me for it.

And you know what? When you look at it that way, you’ll realize it’s not your problem!

I had to decide to not give a fuck about the things I couldn’t control (like how long it would take my employer to replace me) and only give fucks about the things I COULD control (like not getting up at 7.00 a.m. to leave my blissfully sleeping husband and serene park views to commute forty-five minutes via an underground B.O. factory to a job I no longer wanted to do).

Instead, I’ve started giving a fuck or two to things like “where my next freelance job is coming from” and “keeping my website up to date”. But those fucks are gladly given because the freelance life brings me more sleep. And more time with my husband. And my commute is now about thirty feet, from my bed to my couch.

Once I got a handle on the difference between giving a fuck about something, and giving a fuck about what other people think about what I give a fuck about, it all started falling into place.

Feelings vs opinions

It’s possible that you’re hyperventilating right now. There’s no shame in that. You may be thinking, I can’t possibly stop worrying about what other people think. It’s programmed into my DNA!

Well, listen: Your DNA can only take you so far. In order to live your best life, you’re going to have to hack the system.

There are two reasons you tend to give a fuck about what other people think: one, because you don’t want to be a bad person, and two, because you don’t want to look like a bad person.

You should, of course, continue to give a fuck about what other people think as it pertains to their feelings (i.e., Are you going to actively hurt those feelings by not giving a fuck about the situation at hand?). But be honest — you know full well when you’re hurting someone’s feelings. Don’t be an asshole.

What I’m saying is, you don’t have to give a fuck about what other people think when it comes to their opinions. And if you can learn to speak in the Language of Opinion, you will find it very effective. It’s honest, polite, and extremely disarming! You will neither be an asshole nor look like an asshole. And then you can stop worrying about what other people think.

Got it?

Not yet?

Okay, look at it this way: As humans, we have every right to politely disagree with or not share someone else’s opinion. This is a passive stance. It’s not hurting anybody and it’s entirely defensible. You like all-natural peanut butter? Great! I don’t. I think it’s slimy and gross. No harm, no foul.

But say you are a friend of mine who sells all-natural, home-made peanut butter and you keep inviting me to “peanut butter parties” with sad little jars of brown goop stacked all over the kitchen counter and I’m feeling pressured to buy it for no other reason than to shut you up.

This is a watershed moment. If I don’t give a fuck about all-natural peanut butter, why in God’s name would I spend my hard-earned money to acquire it?

I’ll tell you why: It’s because I just envisioned myself saying, Get away from me with that hippie shit, you weirdo, which would totally hurt your feelings. And I don’t want to hurt your feelings, so I’m about to give you twenty dollars in exchange for eight ounces of gunk that looks like it was masticated by a diseased elephant and then spat back out into a mason jar?

Nope, nope, nope.

Instead, I need to tell you — honestly and politely — that I don’t share your opinion that all-natural peanut butter is something I want to put in my mouth. Thus implying that I won’t be purchasing any tonight. Or ever.

Do you see what I’m getting at? I give a fuck about your feelings, because you are my friend (annoying peanut butter–hawking notwithstanding), but I don’t have to give a fuck what your opinion is about my [dis]taste for all-natural peanut butter. It’s no skin off my nose if you walk away convinced that my arteries are unnecessarily clogged by trans–fatty acids because I prefer a little hydrogenated vegetable oil in my sandwich. They are my arteries, after all. So in not giving my fuck to your peanut butter, I make it about a difference of opinion.

You can sidestep the prospect of hurt feelings entirely when you view your conflict through the lens of simple, emotionless opinion.

NotSorry is all about simple, emotionless opinions.

However, there are many ways to skin a cat! (Eww.) And if your difference of opinion with a friend reflects a difference in core values, you might want to handle it with a little less honesty and an extra dose of polite. Saying you don’t believe in the health benefits of organic nut spread is a little different than saying you don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose, or a free Palestine, or anything else that actually matters.

In scenarios like these, when you don’t give a fuck about the matter at hand but you also don’t want to get into a fist fight or wake up in prison, all you really need to do is invoke the concept of opinions and leave it at that.

Say you’re a parent, and you’re always surrounded by people who have opinions about the way you raise your children. You probably have opinions about the way they raise theirs too, but the difference is, you keep your mouth shut about it. Anyway, parenting is hard work and people love their children unconditionally and it requires a lot of energy on your part to toe the line between cordial acceptance and seething indignation over this never-ending onslaught of unsolicited advice, which tends to be closely tied to your and other people’s values and, therefore, feelings.

Then one day you’re at the playground and the topic of your children sleeping in the Family Bed comes up. You’re on one side of the debate (it doesn’t matter which!) and a fellow parent, we’ll call her Stacey, is on the other.

You don’t want Stacey to think you’re a bad parent for not agreeing with her over how long a kid should be able to wriggle his way under the covers and further retard Mom and Dad’s post-baby boning schedule. And whichever side you’re on, you don’t want to actively offend Stacey in your disagreement, or your own child might be relegated to wandering the playground with a scarlet A for “Asshole’s Kid” on his overalls.

Until today, you probably mustered a nod and smile. Maybe you even spent twenty fucking minutes listening to Stacey go on and on about the gall of some parents to not do everything the way she thinks it should be done. And this act of passive acceptance — not to mention twenty minutes’ worth of fucks given — is eating you up inside like a gang of termites at a log party.

You need some life-changing magic, stat!

So the next time this type of thing comes up, just gaze calmly at Stacey, shrug your shoulders, and say, “I know, I know, everybody has an opinion!” Then change the subject to neutral territory, like whether George Clooney is getting hotter with age. (He is not. Peak GC hotness = Facts of Life–era GC.)

You’ve implied that Stacey’s opinion is not the only one that exists, but you have given no fucks accepting or actively debating it. You didn’t assault her values/hurt her feelings in the process, so you’re neither being an asshole nor looking like one. You were honest and polite, and you can walk away secure in the knowledge that you don’t give a fuck about what Stacey thinks and she can’t fault you for anything you said.

What does that make you? NOT SORRY.

On being sorry

In our society, Sorry! is used as shorthand for anything from “I’m not really sorry, I’m just saying that to smooth over whatever I just did/am about to do to you” all the way to a nail-biting “Oh shit, what have I done???”

And not to put too fine a gender-biased point on it, but women, especially, tend to say it way too much in an attempt to pre-emptively or actively defend themselves against perceived slights in the workplace, among friends, or in relationships.

When you’ve actually behaved badly, you should be sorry, and you should say so. And if you’re about to behave badly and think that a quick Sorry is going to ameliorate it, you’re wrong. Maybe stop being such an asshole for a change.

But if you’ve done nothing to be sorry about, you can (a) stop feeling sorry and (b) stop telling people you are!

In other words, the NotSorry Method achieves eponymous results. Following it encourages and enables you to act in a way that doesn’t require your saying — or being — sorry at all.

To review: If your fuck-giving actively affects someone else (such as declining to purchase a friend’s home-made peanut butter, or passing judgement on someone’s parenting choices), be honest and polite about your decision, try to make it about a difference of opinion, and 99 per cent of the time, all will be well.

But if your fuck-giving affects you and only you (such as not getting all tarted up just to go to the grocery store), then why should you care about what other people think? Let them have their opinions about your yoga pants and Ani DiFranco T-shirt; you’re comfortable and you won’t get hit on by the squirrelly checkout guy.

And if it’s somewhere in between? Well, then you really need this book!

It may take a little getting used to, but you must stop giving a fuck about what other people think.

Just don’t be an asshole

I can’t overemphasize that when done correctly, not giving a fuck does not mean being an asshole. As long as you contemplate your own reasons for not giving a fuck about something, visualize the effect that your lack of fucks will have on anyone else involved, and mitigate the potential for hurt feelings, you can find a solution — usually through a combination of honesty and politeness — that will stand you in good stead. And minimize the number of anonymous death threats you receive.

Making a Fuck Budget

You know how satisfying it is when you spend a few months saving up for something you really want to buy, and then you go to the store and you have the money in hand and you walk out with a new snowboard or whatever?

In that moment, you’re probably not giving a second thought to the things that you sacrificed over the past hundred days in order to accumulate the dollars necessary to pay for that snowboard. But you did sacrifice. Maybe you went without your Egg McMuffin every day for three months. Or maybe you took on more hours at McDonalds to make extra cash (thereby sacrificing free time). Either way, you had a goal — to save the cost of the snowboard — and you stuck to a budget relative to how much money you had to save and/or how many hours you had to work to achieve your goal.

I suggest you implement a budget for your fucks.

What if, instead of an in-the-moment existential crisis over whether you should just buy the goddamn peanut butter to avoid hurting your friend’s feelings, you simply thought of it as a line item on your Fuck Budget?

One twenty-dollar jar of all-natural peanut butter purchased = one fuck given.

And giving your fuck to all-natural peanut butter means you have one less fuck to give to something equivalent — such as a twenty-dollar cab ride home from the Peanut Butter Nazi’s party (so you don’t have to endure the additional aggravation of public transportation). Or twenty dollars towards your snowboard. Or your rent.

That fuck is starting to seem more precious, isn’t it?

Of course, not everything is about money. There are a lot of fucks that impose on your time or energy, if not your wallet. But you can budget your time and energy just as easily as you can budget your cash.

For example, say you have a child whose peers’ parents routinely bake home-made cookies for class fund-raisers. Cookies with little icing smiley faces and a separate batch of gluten-free ones for the pussies. Well, maybe you have neither the TIME nor the ENERGY to bake home-made cookies. And maybe you do have twenty dollars but you’re worried about what the other parents will think if you contribute store-bought Oreos to the bake sale.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

You need to (a) stop worrying about what other people think and (b) budget your fucks accordingly. No time and no energy? Oreos it is!

Too often, we allocate our fucks without a goal in sight. We’re in the moment, saying yes, making plans, agreeing to spend a weekend in Paris before realizing, Uh-oh, I didn’t think this through. In order to maximize your potential for happiness, you need to consider outcomes before committing to giving your fucks. Your time, energy, and/or money spent should result in greater happiness for you. If it is going to result in annoy, you don’t want to already be on the Eurostar before you figure that out. Stop. Calculate. And maybe don’t give that fuck.

What about people who can’t stop giving a fuck about you not giving a fuck?

We all know these people. You can be as honest and polite as the day is long and they just don’t get it. They can’t stop themselves from arguing with you, coaxing you, and trying to change your mind. Whatever it is that you don’t give a fuck about, it is so important to them that they can’t accept your difference of opinion.

It could be anything from cricket to improvisational jazz to the fact that you don’t participate in your family’s religious rituals. They won’t be swayed by honesty or politeness. These people are begging for confrontation. IT’S LIKE THEY WANT THEIR FEELINGS HURT.

In cases like these, you have to consider the long-term drain on your Fuck Budget. It may actually be beneficial to be/look like a bad person if it means you can put an end to this conversation once and for all. Hey, if somebody has to tell them to fuck off, it might as well be you.

In summation

The life-changing magic of not giving a fuck is all about prioritizing. Joy over annoy. Choice over obligation. Opinions vs feelings. Sticking to a budget. Eyes on the prize.

Let’s review the basics — the tools and processes for Deciding Whether or Not to Give a Fuck so you can proceed to Give or Not Give a Fuck:

Does the fuck you’re about to give (or not give) affect only you? Or others?

If the former, you are way ahead of the game!

If the latter, you must first stop giving a fuck about what other people think, before you can move on to not giving a fuck about the matter at hand.

In order to do that, consider their opinions separately from their feelings.

Don’t be an asshole.

Now consult your Fuck Budget: What is that fuck worth to you? Can you afford it?

If the answer is yes, then by all means, go for it! But if the answer is no, proceed in an honest and polite fashion toward not giving a fuck and being 100 per cent, bona fide NotSorry.

In case you’re one of those visual learners, here is a flow chart for determining whether you should give a fuck. Feel free to refer back to it as you read on.

In parts II and III, I will:

Walk you through the mental clutter you’ll soon be discarding

Teach you to pre-sort your fucks for confident, efficient decision-making

Offer my own sample starter list of Ten Things About Which I, Personally, Do Not Give a Fuck

Show you various strategies to implement Step 2 (not giving a fuck)

And help you identify the things you do give a fuck about, all of which will allow you to achieve minimal stress, maximum happiness, and a whole lotta life-changing magic.

But for now, one last drill to get you in the zone . . .

A visualization exercise

Sit down. Relax.

I want you to take a minute and do a free-form visualization of all the things that you currently feel pressured — by friends, family, society, or even your own twisted sense of obligation — to give a fuck about.

These could include, but are not limited to: matching your belt to your handbag, LinkedIn, eating local, hot yoga, paleo diets, the Harry Potter books, Kombucha, “trending”, Jeremy Corbyn, podcasts, ponchos-as-fashion, the ballet, Bret Easton Ellis, hashtags, fair-trade coffee, the Cloud, other people’s children, sanctimonious Christians, understanding China’s economy, #catsofinstagram, X Factor, your father’s new wife, and/or Glastonbury.

Feeling a tad ill, are you? Jittery, nauseous, anxious? Pissed off?

Good, then it’s working.

Now visualize how happy and carefree you would be if you stopped giving all those fucks.

Hot yoga? Don’t give a downward fuck!

The Cloud? Fucks not found.

And #catsofinstagram? Sorry, you’re all outta fucks, meow.

Doesn’t that feel so much better? I’m telling you, the moment you decide to stop giving a fuck is the moment you start living your best life.

With that in mind, let’s move on to Step 1 in the NotSorry Method: Deciding not to give a fuck.