This book is dedicated to anyone who has been in a dark place. Who has felt lost or disconnected. Cursed their birth. Survived a shattered heart, held shitty jobs, gone through toxic relationships, and wrestled with uncertainty. Anyone who has felt grayed out and purposeless. Ugly, washed-up, wishing there was more, better, or different. This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever felt like a miserable f*ck.

Resist nothing.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

– MARTIN LUTHER KING JR

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

– ROBIN WILLIAMS

CONTENTS

Title Page

Dedication

Epigraph

Dear Men

Introduction

SELF

#1 Don’t Hide

#2 Do Walk with Mirrors

#3 Do Choose Responsibility over Freedom

#4 Do Live a Through-Me Life

#5 Don’t Be a Double Douche

#6 Do Starve Your Ego

#7 Don’t Fuck with People Just Because You Can

#8 Don’t Whine

#9 Don’t Peer over the (Metaphorical) Urinal

#10 Don’t Be Nice, Be Kind

#11 Don’t Just Wear the Compassion T-Shirt

#12 Do Seek Nectar

HEALTH

#13 Do Sweat Daily

#14 Do Calm the Fuck Down

#15 Do Slingshot Yourself into the Present

#16 Do Get Out of Your Bubble

#17 Do Eat Something Green

#18 Do Laugh Hard

#19 Do Things That Make You Feel Alive

#20 Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

#21 Do Dance (Especially If You Don’t Know How)

#22 Do Go on Man Dates

#23 Do Do Things Alone

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

#24 Do Respond, Don’t React

#25 Don’t Put Your Shoulds on Others

#26 Do Say “I Was Wrong”

#27 Don’t Be the “I Dunno” Guy

#28 Don’t Pee in the Shower

#29 Don’t Tear People Down

#30 Do Want to Do the Dishes

#31 Do Let Go of Your Partner’s Sexual History

#32 Don’t Place Her on a Pedestal

#33 Don’t Stop Courting Her

#34 Don’t Just Netflix and Chill

#35 Don’t Perform in the Bedroom

#36 Do Love Hard

CAREER AND SUCCESS

#37 Do Own Your Shit

#38 Do Separate Who You Are from What You Do

#39 Don’t Punch Clocks

#40 Do Be Aware of Your Energy

#41 Do Make Your Bed

#42 Do Fail, Often

#43 Do Have a Firm Handshake

#44 Do Enter Rooms Like You Own Them

#45 Do Believe in Yourself

COMMUNICATION

#46 Do Say No Often

#47 Do Try to Understand Before Trying to Be Understood

#48 Don’t Walk Away During a Fight

#49 Do Express Your Fucking Feelings

#50 Do Put Your Phone Down

#51 Do Be Physically Affectionate

#52 Don’t Drive Like a Dick

#53 Don’t Debate Everything

#54 Don’t Inhale Your Food

#55 Don’t Text Like You’re Seventeen

#56 Do Tip Well

EVERYTHING ELSE

#57 Do Keep Your Bathroom Clean

#58 Don’t Buy Things, Get Gifts

#59 Don’t Overuse Hair Product

#60 Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans

#61 Don’t Speak to Children Like They’re Children

#62 Don’t Go for the Hottest Girl in the Room

#63 Don’t Be Afraid of Women

#64 Don’t Be Creepy

#65 Don’t Chase, Do Attract

#66 Do Hold Up

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

My Man Sheet

Recommended Reading and Listening

About John Kim

Copyright

Dear Men,

When I was going through my divorce, I picked up a book. It was a book about men titled The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida. I’d never read a book about men before. I didn’t even know books about men existed or what to expect from reading one. That book ended up changing my life. It was the first domino to fall in the long Hero’s Journey that followed. That journey changed the way I thought, ate, loved, and moved. It challenged my thinking, my definitions, and my beliefs about myself. It gave me new lenses, a sense of purpose, and it repositioned me with fire in my belly to help other men on their path.

During this process, my definitions about manhood changed. I learned that they had been distorted by parents, society, advertising, and locker rooms. They were damaging. Kept me in a tight box, turning me into a cardboard cutout instead of a real growing and evolving man. I was a walking should, living other people’s definitions instead of my own. So I cleared the slate and started over, leaned into the new, the unknown; I slayed some dragons, bought a motorcycle, got some tattoos, and grew some real balls. Not the kind that action movies are made of. But the kind that remind you that they are uneven, because you are human. I came back to the village a different person. No longer a poster. But a real person with new definitions and a mirror to check more than my hair.

My intent in writing this book isn’t to put my definitions on you. It’s to create a dialogue and challenge your own beliefs about what it looks like to be a man. My hope is that it encourages you to think about who you are now and who you want to be, and gives you the motivation to close that gap. I’m not here to lecture you. I’m coming with you, not at you. Talking to you like one of my friends—the men I sweat with, eat with, ride motorcycles with, get crepes and share my fucking feelings with. Yes, real men eat crepes.

You may have seen from my bio that I am a therapist. That’s true. But I am not coming at you here just as a therapist. I am doing this with you, as a brother. As a fellow human. And although we may sometimes talk about women and relationships, this isn’t about Mars or Venus. About us versus them. This is about being a better version of yourself. Plain and simple. It’s about connection. Discovery. Building. It’s about evolving, expanding, and living closer to your truth and potential. Not only for you, but for all of us.

Because the world desperately needs present fathers, loyal brothers, loving boyfriends, strong husbands, vulnerable leaders, and sharp men to sharpen other men.

We need to take back ownership of the role that men play in our world.

It’s time for our return.

– John Kim, the Angry Therapist