Published in 2023 by Welbeck Balance

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About the Author

Ruth Kudzi has been coaching for well over a decade and has run an award-winning coaching business since 2016. In 2019 Ruth opened the Optimus Coach Academy where she trains and certifies others to become coaches. The academy has certified over 500 people; and worked with hundreds more within organizations and through CPD programs.

Ruth combines over 28 years of experience studying Psychology and Neuroscience with a BA in Psychology and Management, MA in Psychology and Education and PGCERT in Coaching and Psychology. She is committed to her own personal development: she has a raft of qualifications in coaching and associated fields, including diplomas in Positive Psychology, Neuroscience, Small Business Coaching, Personal Coaching, Executive Coaching and Neuroscience for leadership alongside being a Spiral Energy Coach, an NLP Practitioner and a DISC Level 3 Trainer. She has also trained in mindfulness, nutrition and CBT and has worked with mentors, teachers and coaches from all over the world to strengthen and deepen her practice.

The Optimus Coach Academy is at the forefront of international training, with students from over 30 different countries learning evidence-based solutions-focused coaching with its roots in Neuroscience and Psychology.

My biggest driver for wanting to feel better came from having my two daughters and wanting to be a role model for them.

This book is dedicated to Jessica and Sophia and to my husband Christian who has helped me to stay on track throughout the whole process and is my biggest supporter.

Introduction

Before we dive in, allow me to introduce myself: I’m an educator at heart and currently run a coach training academy alongside my own coaching business, and prior to this I was a senior leader within education. I’ve been pretty obsessed with human behaviour for as long as I can remember and first studied Psychology in 1994. I have a Masters in Psychology, alongside a whole raft of qualifications and training in different aspects of coaching. I am one of fewer than 70 Master Certified Coaches in the UK (International Coaching Federation Accredited). I will be sharing my own lived experience and journey alongside what I have learned along the way as a coach, trainer and teacher.

What if I told you that the secret to feeling better is not an expensive gym membership or green smoothies (don’t get me wrong, these also help), but coaching? From the years of work I have done personally, and with thousands of clients as a coach, trainer and educator, I know that coaching has the power to change how you think and feel about yourself and transform your world from the inside out. The reason the coaching industry is booming is because it is a powerful life-changing technique, and the good news is that by using this book you can discover how to coach yourself!

Self-awareness is the driving catalyst for change, which is why it is at the heart of my self-coaching method. Using tried-and-tested exercises, you will be exploring your thoughts, emotions and behaviour, enabling you to get clarity on what you want and then taking action to get there.

This is your time to commit to feeling better, creating that plan and making the necessary changes to get the things you desire. You are going to learn to recognize the patterns and behaviours that have been keeping you stuck, and start exploring that inner world of feelings and thoughts that often makes you feel not good enough.

As you go through the book, you will learn my simple four-step self-coaching process. You can use this simple repeatable formula time and time again to coach yourself to success:

• Step One: Assess where you currently are

• Step Two: Get clear on where you want to be

• Step Three: Make a plan to take you forward

• Step Four: Integrate and embed the change

All the approaches I use are rooted in evidence from psychology and neuroscience, combined with ideas informed by energetics, somatics and psychodynamics. This integration of different schools of thought is something I am passionate about, as I believe when you expose yourself to various paradigms it can build a deeper knowledge and help you to see yourself in a more holistic way.

Throughout the book I am going to refer to some key concepts that underpin how coaching works, explaining their origins and how you can apply them to your life to feel better. These approaches are all evidence-based and are techniques that I have used personally, both in my role as a coach and in my training school, where I have worked with thousands of clients. The book follows the curriculum map I use at my training academy, Optimus: nearly every tool and technique has a research base behind it and is built on the principles of neuroplasticity and the brain’s organizing principle of threat/reward.

Key concepts

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change and grow by building new neural pathways: evidence from brain scanning shows that you can effectively re-wire your brain through learning and repetition. This links to the concept of growth mindset proposed by psychologist Carol Dweck, which states that when you believe you can improve and get better you are likely to! Finally, the brain’s organizing principle is proposed by Evian Gordon, psychologist and founder of Total Brain, who states that as humans we are hardwired to move away from pain and toward pleasure.

These key concepts are at the heart of self-coaching and integrate with the different modalities that I will introduce you to. At Optimus, the coaches take a holistic approach and always remain curious with their clients. I encourage you to be curious too. It is a skill I encourage everyone to nurture because when you are curious about what is going on for you and your reactions, you learn more. Equally, when you are curious about other people and their situations, you often start to see the world through a different lens.

This is about moving away from black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, and leaning into the grey to see what is really going on underneath. The more personal development work I have done, the more I have realized that the concept of “right” and “wrong” or “good” and “bad” is based on perception: most people operate with positive intentions and it is about how we perceive their behaviour, the filters and lens through which we view the world. In this book, and in life, I encourage you to test out different lenses and viewpoints and be open to the fact that your perception may not be reality.

How to use this book

Each of the four sections broadly links to the steps that I shared at the beginning: you will notice that these steps are referenced throughout and I encourage you to build connections between the different parts. The book is designed to be read chronologically, with the themes running through the heart of the writing and learning, but it is also a resource you can dip back into when you are looking for inspiration and support.

Step One: Assess where you currently are

Before you can move forward, you need to establish where you are. The first part of the book focuses on self-discovery and self-awareness, which are at the core of coaching. You are unable to change what you are not aware of. By exploring the here and now, you can deeply connect with the reality of where you are and what you are thinking, feeling and doing. This is a time to take off the mask and dig into you: it may not always be comfortable, so bring your determination and growth mindset.

Step Two: Get clear on where you want to be

The second section of the book is concerned with your big vision for success and what you want to achieve. When you look at this within the context of where you are right now, you will start to see the smaller steps you can take now. In this section you will explore that big dream thinking. When you back it up with action – the smaller steps you can take – it can be the beginning of building new neural pathways. My perspective is to dream the dream and then come back to the here and now, with small steps that bring big results due to their compound effect. You will be exploring how you can effectively re-wire your brain by creating a vision to motivate and inspire you.

Step Three: Make a plan to take you forward

Here I show you how to access the resources needed to make change happen, including your mindset and self-belief. This is about making the journey enjoyable, rather than solely focusing on the destination. It is in this part of the book that things start to get real: remember that the plan you put in place must be something you can execute. Again, my approach is to look at the minimum commitment so you can build on that: this is something BJ Fogg, habit expert, suggests and something I use in my own life. For example, committing to 10 minutes of vigorous exercise each day – my minimum commitment – completely changed how I viewed exercise.

If you want to feel better, it isn’t all about sacrifice: I am a big believer in working with the pleasure centres in your brain and looking at positive behaviours rather than negative ones. When you experience pleasure, the neurotransmitter dopamine is released and you start to build a cognitive connection between what you did and that feeling. We are wired to move toward anticipated pleasure, so if you repeat that behaviour it will soon become a preference due to that principle. Enjoying yourself actually works with the brain!

Step Four: Integrate and embed the change

Finally, I show you how to integrate the changes into your life, long-term, by learning how to support your brain and body to embed behavioural change. If you don’t keep going, you won’t feel the benefits. Consider this a marathon rather than a sprint: I am all for building behavioural changes the slow and sustained way as I know this is what is going to make it stick. It’s that compound effect that works.

A personal journey

The premise of this book is that you can improve and build from wherever you are: this is your personal development journey so, however sh*t it feels right now, rest assured you will start to feel better by the end of the four-step programme. Remember, this is only the beginning. You don’t read a book, feel better and that’s it – we may be good but we aren’t magicians. You need to embed and integrate the learning over time to see change.

Throughout the book, I will be asking you questions and encouraging you to reflect. Doing a reflective practice is what’s going to help you strengthen those neural pathways and implement change: remember that the questions are there to support your brain, and give you clarity on your thinking so you have a good idea of what to do next. Self-reflection is one of the keys to learning, which is crucial if you want to feel better.

Maybe there was a catalyst or an event which happened to you: redundancy, the end of a relationship, a big birthday that made you say enough is enough. Or, maybe it was more of a gentle, but persistent niggle that left you feeling that you could be happier if you had more time/energy/space.

When you realize those external things are often manifested inside you – the job you can’t switch off from, the nightmare boss, the ex who walked out – you discover that the way you react is all about you and your lens. Coaching enables you to recognize your patterns and where they have come from, as well as looking at how you can respond in more effective ways. Remember that you are a work in progress and the gift of self-awareness and clarity can help you avoid more heartache. It is possible to change.

You have a choice, whether you are going to accept where you are right now as your reality or come on this journey with me to help you create the life that you want to live. Are you ready to step out of your shadows and low points and move into the light and start to be who you want to be?

This works if you go all in and commit. This isn’t about the shadows disappearing or you becoming elated about everything in your life. It is about you changing the things that are impacting you the most; this might be starting with the big rocks: work, relationships, money, home or starting with the pebbles and building up. Sometimes addressing the big things can feel like too much, and breaking them down into more manageable chunks is more effective.

Part of self-coaching is about developing a growth mindset: you find the area you want to change and then you commit to improving. Remember, this concept can be applied to more than just our cognitive abilities. When you learn who you are, you can step out of feeling like you need to be in control and disliking yourself and into acceptance and joy.

Disclaimer – you won’t be feeling joy the whole time! Life happens: even with the work, there will be people and events you find challenging to navigate and, at times, you won’t respond in the most helpful or healthy way. I remember when my dad, an alcoholic, died of liver failure. That weekend I drank more wine than I care to admit. It wasn’t the healthiest response, but it was what I needed in that moment. I remember my friends being with me and I still feel very grateful to have that network. Even though I didn’t know how to articulate what I needed right then, it was very comforting to have them there.

Self-awareness is key

As you move through this book, you will start to get to know yourself better, understanding what is going on for you cognitively and emotionally in different situations. As mentioned earlier, when we are able to understand ourselves we can start to make changes to how we think, feel and act. If we don’t know what is going on, it is a lot harder!

Equally, when we are aware of what drives and motivates us it can help us to see other people’s perspectives and viewpoints, which can enhance our communication and relationships. The more you understand yourself, the more you are able to understand others.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

• This is about understanding your brain and body based on evidence-based approaches to behavioural change.

• At the core of the book is growth mindset and neuroplasticity.

• You will be learning about how to work more effectively with your brain’s organizing principle.

• Self-coaching starts with self-awareness.

• You will be holding up a mirror to yourself and looking at who you are.

• Start to consider what you would like to be different by the end of the book.

• When you develop your self-coaching techniques, you can keep using them.

• Using this book is just the start of you changing.

STEP ONE

Assess Where You Currently Are

To answer the question “Where are you now?”, the work is project “know yourself”. As a Master Certified Coach and trainer, I have helped thousands of clients and one thing I have seen time and time again is the power of self-awareness. You will remain stuck if you don’t know who you are or what you want to change. Therefore, the best starting point is for you to know what is going on for you in your external and internal worlds. To help you discover that, I’m going to share with you a sequence of tools, techniques and exercises that follows the curriculum at my coaching academy.

One of the first exercises I use with my clients, and that you can use on yourself, is “The Iceberg”. Like an iceberg, your appearance, behaviour and physical environment are the parts of yourself that are visible, but there is much more underneath: your values, beliefs, thoughts and habits. In psychodynamic terms, the things above the iceberg are conscious and those below it are unconscious. Working through the exercises in this section will help you to bring those things which are lying beneath the surface to the top, so you can get clarity and increase your self-awareness.

I recommend trying all the exercises and reflecting on the ones that are most impactful for you. Any resistance can be a good indication that you have uncovered something about yourself. If you can stay with the process, it works, which is one of the reasons why students in my academy call the training they do “life-changing”. It may feel uncomfortable at times: recognizing this and being OK with it will help you stay on track.

Resistance and what it means

Resistance is that feeling when you avoid doing something or it feels “hard”. If you think back to the brain’s organizing principle (see page xiii), we move away from things we perceive as threats and towards those that we see as rewards. The amygdala is an almond-shaped area of the brain which is responsible for deciding if something is a threat or a reward. When you’re feeling resistance, it may activate the amygdala as it’s sensing there is a perceived threat. This in turn activates your nervous system and can put you into fight, flight, freeze or fawn response, impacting your behaviour. This can feel like physical discomfort and you may feel fearful, scared or resentful, leading you to procrastinate, stop doing the exercise, distract yourself, over-think or obsess about the right “answer”.

NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSES

• Flight: this is where you flee or withdraw from the perceived threat.

• Fight: this is where you face the perceived threat with aggression.

• Freeze: this is where you are immobile and unable to move when facing the threat.

• Fawn: this is where you respond to the immediate threat by wanting to please and reduce conflict.

When you do something new the prefrontal cortex in the brain, which is responsible for executive functions like memory, decision-making, learning and problem-solving, needs to work harder. It only has a limited capacity and uses a large amount of energy, which means it can fatigue easily. It is the reason why doing the work can feel cognitively hard: your brain is using a lot of its battery power, so do the exercises at your own pace.

Finally, your behaviour is pre-programmed in the basal ganglia area of your brain. This determines your thoughts, actions and assumptions. By doing these activities you are challenging the status quo and, over time, will be re-wiring this programming via neuroplasticity.

Recognize that these feelings of resistance are a psychological reaction to change. Focusing on how you will feel afterwards can help you focus on perceived pleasure, which helps tap into your dopamine response (see page xv). Simply put, imagining the benefits from completing the exercises can help you to overcome the resistance.

You will be doing “the work” yourself as your own coach through the lens of neuroscience, positive psychology and psychodynamics. This lens will help you recognize your own uniqueness and understand yourself on a deeper level.

The big questions that you will address in Step One are:

• What does your life currently look like? The Wheel of Life tool is the easiest way to assess this. It is a good starting point for deeper reflection and analysis, including journalling and exploring your emotional responses.

• What are you thinking and feeling? You will be exploring your internal world – your thoughts and emotions – so you can start to recognize patterns and connect with what is going on for you.

• Who are you? By looking at your personality preferences, strengths and values, you will understand more about your preferred ways of interacting with people and situations.

With this self-awareness, you will gain insight into where you want to make changes. I recommend making notes as you use the book to give yourself time to reflect on the learning from the tools and techniques.

STEP ONE AIMS

• Explore what your life looks like right now.

• Understand your thought patterns.

• Develop your connection to your emotions.

• Reflect on your personality preferences, strengths and values.

• Gain clarity on your current reality.