A recent report by the United States Senate Democrats suggests that artificial intelligence and automation will eliminate 100 million US jobs within the next decade.

These Democrats sef and their penchant for exaggeration.

While technology has historically disrupted societies and the workforce, this AI disruption is scarier because of the speed at which it is happening and the scope of its transformation.

It is so terrifying that even God’s job is not safe.

While about 60% of the jobs in the US today did not exist in 1940, the transformation that AI is bringing about is at a supersonic speed; not even the dedicated practitioners of the oldest profession, prostitution, are safe.

If I were God, I would be worried. And I will explain why.

While you were sleeping, someone launched an app that lets you confess your sins, get instant absolution, and even choose a priest avatar — “Kind Father,” “Strict Nun,” “Disappointed Nigerian Deacon Uncle,” or “Indaboski-like Entertainer-cum-Pastor.”

It’s called PriestGPT. You tell it your sins; it forgives you. No judgment, no side-eye, no awkward silence when you say, “The devil made me do it again.”

Millions have downloaded it. Finally, a priest who doesn’t need tithes, doesn’t judge your browser history, doesn’t ask for donations to the never-ending church building fund, and doesn’t insist you join the choir or at least be an usher.

You can leave your children with this priest without worry – boys, girls, and any gender in between. Your wives and girlfriends are also safe with him, whether at night vigils or at private healing sessions under candlelight.

People love the app. You can get forgiveness on demand. You can sin, repent, and sin again during a Danfo trip from Okokomaiko to Oshodi market. The app even offers “Absolution Premium™” at $2.99 per month for unlimited forgiveness and 24/7 cloud-based salvation backup. If you don’t have a dollar account, you can superchat in your local currency during a live YouTube stream of What-God-Cannot-Do-Smashdown.

There’s “Confession Lite” for minor sins (“I forgot to donate to Remi Tinubu’s National Library Fund”), and “Confession Max” for the kind of huge and bigly sin that makes you write on a pal’s birthday card, “May every day be another wonderful secret.”

The voice options include “Soothing Mama GO,” “Fire-and-Brimstone Apostle Suleman-Stephanie Otobo Midnight WhatsApp Special,” and the ever-popular “Your-Foul-Devil-Witch-For-Jesus.”

After the success of PriestGPT, the developers realised: why stop at the middleman or woman (now that a female Pope’s competitor is coming in as the Archbishop of Canterbury)?

Introducing The God App™ — because if we can digitise your soul, we might as well let you talk directly to the Source Code.

No more praying into the void – since space is full of void and has no capacity to transmit sound, while the universe is littered with dark matter. No more “God’s timing.” What you get is just instant responses, depending only on your bandwidth and the electricity supply band you are on. You can ask the Almighty anything — from “Why was I born in Nigeria and not in Sweden?” to “Why is Portable a music star and I am not?”

When God is too busy to answer you directly, He deploys an AI Chatbot to dish out intelligent answers your priest will die for. Unlike your poorly educated priests, who confuse homophones and tenses, misunderstand subject-verb agreement, misuse prepositions, and cannot distinguish between satire and poetry, God’s app transcends all understanding.

Features Include:

• AutoPrayer™ – Pre-scheduled daily prayers so you can stay righteous while still committing sins.
• Miracle Tracker – Tells you which blessings are still “processing” as the church’s POS machine processes your offering.
• Push Notifications–”You haven’t thanked Me today.” Your early morning singing of “Good morning Jesus, good morning Lord,” is not enough.
• Dark Mode–For when you’re feeling Old Testament eye-for-an-eye way.
• Omniscience Filter–Turns down how much God knows about what you were doing last weekend.

You can even customise your deity. Want “Wrathful Yahweh”? Select “Smite Mode.” Prefer “Gentle Jesus”? Choose “Beta Release.” All the prophets of the Old Testament are available. The “Buddha 2.0” pack is still in testing, but reportedly very calm.

The only unexplored aspect of God is the angle of the Prophet Muhammad. No developer is yet bold enough to digitise even the Prophet’s avatar.

Here are some user reviews

★★★★★ “Got divine guidance in 0.3 seconds. Still waiting on my revoked visa to Trump’s USA.”

★★★★☆ “Forgave me instantly but keeps suggesting I upgrade to Afterlife Plus.”

★★☆☆☆ “Asked for a sign. Got a text from Opay and Paga instead.”

Will AI make God unnecessary? Some priests who are going extinct will say, probably not. But they will not deny that AI will make Him available offline.

And with The God App, maybe — just maybe — we’ll finally understand Him. Or at least, we’ll get the latest update from those old books of his, which are in great need of a brush-up or two.

Trust me, God v3.1.1 is loading. He will soon be available in your palm on a smartphone.

The question now is not whether AI will make God unnecessary. It is a matter of when.

Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History, Afrodiasporic Literature, and African Folktales at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His books include “This American Life Sef” and “Children of a Retired God.” among others. His upcoming book is called “Why I’m Disappointed in Jesus.”