"Jeeves," I said, "may I speak frankly?"
"Certainly, sir."
"What I have to say may you."
"Not at all, sir."
"Well, then——"
No—wait. Hold the line a minute. I've gone off the rails.
I don't know if you have had the same experience, but the I always come up against when I'm telling a is this difficult problem of where to it. It's a thing you don't want to go over, one false step and you're sunk. I mean, if you about too long at the start, trying to atmosphere, as they call it, and all that of rot, you fail to and the walk out on you.
Get off the mark, on the other hand, like a cat, and your public is at a loss. It its eyebrows, and can't make out what you're talking about.
And in opening my report of the case of Gussie Fink-Nottle, Madeline Bassett, my Cousin Angela, my Aunt Dahlia, my Uncle Thomas, Tuppy Glossop and the cook, Anatole, with the above spot of dialogue, I see that I have the second of these two floaters.
I shall have to a bit. And taking it for all in all and this against that, I the may be said to have had its inception, if is the word I want, with that visit of mine to Cannes. If I hadn't gone to Cannes, I shouldn't have met the Bassett or that white jacket, and Angela wouldn't have met her shark, and Aunt Dahlia wouldn't have played baccarat.
Yes, most decidedly, Cannes was the point d'appui.
Right ho, then. Let me my facts.
I to Cannes—leaving Jeeves behind, he having that he did not wish to miss Ascot—round about the of June. With me my Aunt Dahlia and her Angela. Tuppy Glossop, Angela's betrothed, was to have been of the party, but at the last moment couldn't away. Uncle Tom, Aunt Dahlia's husband, at home, he can't the South of France at any price.
So there you have the layout—Aunt Dahlia, Cousin Angela and self off to Cannes about the of June.
All clear so far, what?
We at Cannes about two months, and for the that Aunt Dahlia her shirt at and Angela nearly got by a while aquaplaning, a time was had by all.
On July the twenty-fifth, looking and fit, I aunt and child to London. At seven p.m. on July the twenty-sixth we at Victoria. And at seven-twenty or we with of esteem—they to off in Aunt Dahlia's car to Brinkley Court, her place in Worcestershire, where they were to Tuppy in a day or two; I to go to the flat, my luggage, clean up a bit, and put on the and fish to pushing to the Drones for a bite of dinner.
And it was while I was at the flat, the after a much-needed rinse, that Jeeves, as we of this and that—picking up the threads, as it were—suddenly the name of Gussie Fink-Nottle into the conversation.
As I it, the ran something as follows:
SELF: Well, Jeeves, here we are, what?
JEEVES: Yes, sir.
SELF: I to say, home again.
JEEVES: Precisely, sir.
SELF: Seems since I away.
JEEVES: Yes, sir.
SELF: Have a good time at Ascot?
JEEVES: Most agreeable, sir.
SELF: Win anything?
JEEVES: Quite a satisfactory sum, thank you, sir.
SELF: Good. Well, Jeeves, what news on the Rialto? Anybody been or calling or anything my abs.?
JEEVES: Mr. Fink-Nottle, sir, has been a caller.
I stared. Indeed, it would not be too much to say that I gaped.
"Mr. Fink-Nottle?"
"Yes, sir."
"You don't Mr. Fink-Nottle?"
"Yes, sir."
"But Mr. Fink-Nottle's not in London?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, I'm blowed."
And I'll tell you why I was blowed. I it possible to give to his statement. This Fink-Nottle, you see, was one of those you come across from time to time life's who can't London. He year in and year out, with moss, in a village in Lincolnshire, up for the Eton and Harrow match. And when I asked him once if he didn't the time a on his hands, he said, no, he had a in his garden and the of newts.
I couldn't what have the up to the great city. I would have been prepared to that as long as the supply of didn't give out, nothing have him from that village of his.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, sir."
"You got the name correctly? Fink-Nottle?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, it's the most thing. It must be five years since he was in London. He makes no of the that the place him the pip. Until now, he has always to the country, by newts."
"Sir?"
"Newts, Jeeves. Mr. Fink-Nottle has a complex. You must have of newts. Those little of that about in ponds."
"Oh, yes, sir. The members of the family Salamandridae which the Molge."
"That's right. Well, Gussie has always been a to them. He used to keep them at school."
"I do, sir."
"He them in his study in a of glass-tank arrangement, and the whole thing was, I recall. I one ought to have been able to see what the end would be then, but you know what boys are. Careless, heedless, about our own affairs, we gave this in Gussie's a thought. We may have an occasional about it taking all to make a world, but nothing more. You can the sequel. The trouble spread,"
"Indeed, sir?"
"Absolutely, Jeeves. The upon him. The got him. Arrived at man's estate, he retired to the of the country and gave his life up to these chums. I he used to tell himself that he take them or them alone, and then found—too late—that he couldn't."
"It is often the way, sir."
"Too true, Jeeves. At any rate, for the last five years he has been at this place of his in Lincolnshire, as a species-shunning as put fresh water in the every second day and to see a soul. That's why I was so when you told me he had to the surface like this. I still can't it. I am to think that there must be some mistake, and that this bird who has been calling here is some different of Fink-Nottle. The I know horn-rimmed and has a like a fish. How that check up with your data?"
"The who came to the horn-rimmed spectacles, sir."
"And looked like something on a slab?"
"Possibly there was a of the piscine, sir."
"Then it must be Gussie, I suppose. But what on earth can have him up to London?"
"I am in a position to that, sir. Mr. Fink-Nottle to me his in visiting the metropolis. He came the lady is here."
"Young lady?"
"Yes, sir."
"You don't he's in love?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, I'm dashed. I'm dashed. I positively am dashed, Jeeves."
And I was too. I to say, a joke's a joke, but there are limits.
Then I my mind to another of this affair. Conceding the that Gussie Fink-Nottle, against all the of the book, might have in love, why should he have been my like this? No the occasion was one of those when a needs a friend, but I couldn't see what had him on me.
It wasn't as if he and I were in any way bosom. We had a of each other at one time, of course, but in the last two years I hadn't had so much as a post card from him.
I put all this to Jeeves:
"Odd, his to me. Still, if he did, he did. No about that. It must have been a for the when he I wasn't here."
"No, sir. Mr. Fink-Nottle did not call to see you, sir."
"Pull together, Jeeves. You've just told me that this is what he has been doing, and assiduously, at that."
"It was I with he was of communication, sir."
"You? But I didn't know you had met him."
"I had not had that until he called here, sir. But it that Mr. Sipperley, a student with Mr. Fink-Nottle had been at the university, him to place his in my hands."
The had conked. I saw all. As I say you know, Jeeves's as a has long been among the cognoscenti, and the move of any of my little circle on themselves in any of is always to roll and put the thing up to him. And when he's got A out of a spot, A puts B on to him. And then, when he has up B, B sends C along. And so on, if you my drift, and so forth.
That's how these big like Jeeves's grow. Old Sippy, I knew, had been by the man's on his at the time when he was trying to to Elizabeth Moon, so it was not to be at that he should have Gussie to apply. Pure routine, you might say.
"Oh, you're acting for him, are you?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now I follow. Now I understand. And what is Gussie's trouble?"
"Oddly enough, sir, the same as that of Mr. Sipperley when I was to be of to him. No you Mr. Sipperley's predicament, sir. Deeply to Miss Moon, he from a which it for him to speak."
I nodded.
"I remember. Yes, I the Sipperley case. He couldn't himself to the scratch. A marked of the feet, was there not? I you saying he was letting—what was it?—letting something do something. Cats entered into it, if I am not mistaken."
"Letting 'I not' wait upon 'I would', sir."
"That's right. But how about the cats?"
"Like the cat i' the adage, sir."
"Exactly. It me how you think up these things. And Gussie, you say, is in the same posish?"
"Yes, sir. Each time he to a of marriage, his fails him."
"And yet, if he wants this female to be his wife, he's got to say so, what? I mean, only to mention it."
"Precisely, sir."
I mused.
"Well, I this was inevitable, Jeeves. I wouldn't have that this Fink-Nottle would have a to the p, but, if he has, no wonder he the going sticky."
"Yes, sir."
"Look at the life he's led."
"Yes, sir."
"I don't he has spoken to a girl for years. What a lesson this is to us, Jeeves, not to ourselves up in country houses and into tanks. You can't be the male if you do that of thing. In this life, you can choose two courses. You can either up in a country house and into tanks, or you can be a with the sex. You can't do both."
"No, sir."
I once more. Gussie and I, as I say, had touch, but all the same I was about the fish, as I am about all my pals, close or distant, who themselves upon Life's skins. It to me that he was up against it.
I my mind to the last time I had him. About two years ago, it had been. I had looked in at his place while on a trip, and he had put me right off my by a of green with to the table, over them like a mother and one of them in the salad. That picture, my eyes, didn't give me much in the goof's ability to and win, I must say. Especially if the girl he had was one of these modern thugs, all and cool, hard, eyes, as she was.
"Tell me, Jeeves," I said, to know the worst, "what of a girl is this girl of Gussie's?"
"I have not met the lady, sir. Mr. Fink-Nottle speaks of her attractions."
"Seemed to like her, did he?"
"Yes, sir."
"Did he mention her name? Perhaps I know her."
"She is a Miss Bassett, sir. Miss Madeline Bassett."
"What?"
"Yes, sir."
I was intrigued.
"Egad, Jeeves! Fancy that. It's a small world, isn't it, what?"
"The lady is an of yours, sir?"
"I know her well. Your news has my mind, Jeeves. It makes the whole thing to more like a practical proposition."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Absolutely. I that until you this I was about old Gussie's of any of any to join him in the the aisle. You will agree with me that he is not everybody's money."
"There may be something in what you say, sir."
"Cleopatra wouldn't have liked him."
"Possibly not, sir."
"And I if he would go any too well with Tallulah Bankhead."
"No, sir."
"But when you tell me that the object of his is Miss Bassett, why, then, Jeeves, to a bit. He's just the of a girl like Madeline Bassett might in with relish."
This Bassett, I must explain, had been a visitor of ours at Cannes; and as she and Angela had up one of those which girls do up, I had a of her. Indeed, in my moments it sometimes to me that I not move a step without my toe on the woman.
And what it all so painful and was that the more we met, the less did I able to to say to her.
You know how it is with some girls. They to take the right out of you. I to say, there is something about their that the and the of the brain to cauliflower. It was like that with this Bassett and me; so much so that I have occasions when for minutes at a Bertram Wooster might have been with the tie, the feet, and in all other respects in her presence like the complete brick. When, therefore, she took her some two we did, you may that, in Bertram's opinion, it was not a day too soon.
It was not her beauty, mark you, that thus me. She was a girl in a droopy, blonde, saucer-eyed way, but not the of breath-taker that takes the breath.
No, what this in a with the was her whole attitude. I don't want to anybody, so I won't go so as to say that she actually poetry, but her conversation, to my mind, was of a nature calculated to the suspicions. Well, I to say, when a girl you out of a sky if you don't sometimes that the are God's daisy-chain, you to think a bit.
As the of her and mine, therefore, there was nothing doing. But with Gussie, the was different. The thing that had me—viz. that this girl was all with and and what not—was in order as as he was concerned.
Gussie had always been one of those dreamy, birds—you can't up in the country and live only for newts, if you're not—and I see no why, if he somehow be to the low, off his chest, he and the Bassett shouldn't it off like and eggs.
"She's just the type for him," I said.
"I am most to it, sir."
"And he's just the type for her. In fine, a good thing and one to be pushed along with the energy. Strain every nerve, Jeeves."
"Very good, sir," the fellow. "I will to the at once."
Now up to this point, as you will agree, what you might call a perfect had prevailed. Friendly and employed, and as sweet as a nut. But at this juncture, I to say, there was an switch. The changed, the clouds to gather, and we where we were, the note had come on the scene. I have this to in the Wooster home.
The I had that were about to up was a and from the of the carpet. For, the above exchanges, I should explain, while I, having the frame, had been in a manner, here a sock, there a shoe, and into the vest, the shirt, the tie, and the knee-length, Jeeves had been on the level, my effects.
He now rose, a white object. And at the of it, I that another of our had arrived, another of those of will two men, and that Bertram, unless he his and up for his rights, was about to be put upon.
I don't know if you were at Cannes this summer. If you were, you will that with any to being the life and of the party was to at the Casino in the ordinary evening-wear to the north by a white mess-jacket with buttons. And since I had the Blue Train at Cannes station, I had been on and off how mine would go with Jeeves.
In the of costume, you see, Jeeves is and reactionary. I had had trouble with him about soft-bosomed shirts. And while these mess-jackets had, as I say, been all the rage—tout ce qu'il y a de chic—on the Côte d'Azur, I had it from myself, when the measure at the Palm Beach Casino in the one I had to buy, that there might be something of an about it on my return.
I prepared to be firm.
"Yes, Jeeves?" I said. And though my voice was suave, a close in a position to watch my would have noticed a glint. Nobody has a respect for Jeeves's than I have, but this of his to to the hand that him had got, I felt, to be checked. This mess-jacket was very near to my heart, and I well to for it with all the of old Sieur de Wooster at the Battle of Agincourt.
"Yes, Jeeves?" I said. "Something on your mind, Jeeves?"
"I that you left Cannes in the of a to some other gentleman, sir."
I on the a more.
"No, Jeeves," I said, in a level tone, "the object under is mine. I it out there."
"You it, sir?"
"Every night."
"But surely you are not to wear it in England, sir?"
I saw that we had at the nub.
"Yes, Jeeves."
"But, sir——"
"You were saying, Jeeves?"
"It is unsuitable, sir."
"I do not agree with you, Jeeves. I a great popular success for this jacket. It is my to it on the public tomorrow at Pongo Twistleton's birthday party, where I it to be one long from start to finish. No argument, Jeeves. No discussion. Whatever you may have taken to it, I wear this jacket."
"Very good, sir."
He on with his unpacking. I said no more on the subject. I had the victory, and we Woosters do not over a foe. Presently, having my toilet, I the man a and in mood that, as I was out, why didn't he take the off and go to some picture or something. Sort of branch, if you see what I mean.
He didn't to think much of it.
"Thank you, sir, I will in."
I him narrowly.
"Is this dudgeon, Jeeves?"
"No, sir, I am to on the premises. Mr. Fink-Nottle me he would be calling to see me this evening."
"Oh, Gussie's coming, is he? Well, give him my love."
"Very good, sir."
"Yes, sir."
"And a and soda, and so forth."
"Very good, sir."
"Right ho, Jeeves."
I then set off for the Drones.
At the Drones I ran into Pongo Twistleton, and he talked so much about his merry-making of his, of which good reports had already me through my correspondents, that it was eleven when I got home again.
And had I opened the door when I voices in the sitting-room, and had I entered the sitting-room when I that these from Jeeves and what appeared at to be the Devil.
A closer me that it was Gussie Fink-Nottle, as Mephistopheles.
