"Jeeves," I said.
"Sir?"
"I've just been having a with Tuppy, Jeeves. Did you to notice that he wasn't looking very this morning?"
"Yes, sir. It to me that Mr. Glossop's was o'er with the of thought."
"Quite. He met my Angela in the last night, and a painful ensued."
"I am sorry, sir."
"Not so sorry as he was. She him with a steak-and-kidney pie, and to have been a about men who for food alone."
"Most disturbing, sir."
"Very. In fact, many people would say that had gone so these two nothing now the chasm. A girl who make about who ate nine or ten a day and ought to be not to of the of is a girl, many people would say, in love is dead. Wouldn't people say that, Jeeves?"
"Undeniably, sir."
"They would be wrong."
"You think so, sir?"
"I am of it. I know these females. You can't go by what they say."
"You that Miss Angela's should not be taken too much au de la lettre, sir?"
"Eh?"
"In English, we should say 'literally'."
"Literally. That's what I mean. You know what girls are. A occurs, and they shoot their off. But it all the old love still remains. Am I correct?"
"Quite correct, sir. The Scott——"
"Right ho, Jeeves."
"Very good, sir."
"And in order to that old love to the surface once more, all that is is the proper treatment."
"By 'proper treatment,' sir, you mean——"
"Clever handling, Jeeves. A spot of the good old work. I see what must be done to my Cousin Angela to normalcy. I'll tell you, shall I?"
"If you would be so kind, sir."
I a cigarette, and him through the smoke. He waited for me to the of wisdom. I must say for Jeeves that—till, as he is so to do, he his in and and obstructing—he makes a very good audience. I don't know if he is actually agog, but he looks agog, and that's the great thing.
"Suppose you were through the jungle, Jeeves, and to meet a tiger cub."
"The is a one, sir."
"Never mind. Let us it."
"Very good, sir."
"Let us now that you that tiger cub, and let us that word its mother that it was being put upon. What would you the of that mother to be? In what of mind do you that that would approach you?"
"I should a of annoyance, sir."
"And rightly. Due to what is as the instinct, what?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very good, Jeeves. We will now that there has been some little this tiger and this tigress. For some days, let us say, they have not been on speaking terms. Do you think that that would make any to the with which the would to the former's aid?"
"No, sir."
"Exactly. Here, then, in brief, is my plan, Jeeves. I am going to my Cousin Angela to a spot and Tuppy properly."
"Roast, sir?"
"Knock. Slam. Tick-off. Abuse. Denounce. I shall be very about Tuppy, it as my opinion that in all he is more like a than an ex-member of a old English public school. What will ensue? Hearing him attacked, my Cousin Angela's will be as as mud. The in her will awake. No what they may have had, she will only that he is the man she loves, and will to his defence. And from that to into his arms and the past will be but a step. How do you to that?"
"The idea is an one, sir."
"We Woosters are ingenious, Jeeves, ingenious."
"Yes, sir."
"As a of fact, I am not speaking without a knowledge of the book. I have this theory."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Yes, in person. And it works. I was on the Eden at Antibes last month, the themselves in the water, and a girl I pointed at a male and asked me if I didn't think his were about the silliest-looking pair of to being. I that I did, indeed, and for the space of two minutes was and about this bird's underpinning. At the end of that period, I as if I had been up in the of a cyclone.
"Beginning with a of my own limbs, which she said, enough, were nothing to home about, this girl on to my manners, morals, intellect, physique, and method of with such that by the time she had the best you say of Bertram was that, so as was known, he had actually or set fire to an asylum. Subsequent proved that she was to the with the and had had a with him the on the of she should or should not have an original call of two spades, having seven, but without the ace. That night I saw them together with every of relish, their up and the once more in their eyes. That you, Jeeves."
"Yes, sir."
"I results from my Cousin Angela when I start Tuppy. By lunchtime, I should imagine, the will be on again and the diamond-and-platinum ring as of on her third finger. Or is it the fourth?"
"Scarcely by time, sir. Miss Angela's me that Miss Angela off in her car early this with the of the day with friends in the vicinity."
"Well, an hour of time she comes back, then. These are straws, Jeeves. Do not let us them."
"No, sir."
"The point is that, as as Tuppy and Angela are concerned, we may say with that will be hotsy-totsy once more. And what an that is, Jeeves."
"Very true, sir."
"If there is one thing that me the pip, it is two being estranged."
"I can the fact, sir."
I the of my in the and another, to that that Chap. I.
"Right ho, then. So much for the western front. We now turn to the eastern."
"Sir?"
"I speak in parables, Jeeves. What I is, we now approach the of Gussie and Miss Bassett."
"Yes, sir."
"Here, Jeeves, more direct methods are required. In the case of Augustus Fink-Nottle, we must keep always in mind the that we are with a poop."
"A plant would, perhaps, be a expression, sir."
"No, Jeeves, a poop. And with one has to the strong, forceful, policy. Psychology doesn't you anywhere. You, if I may you without your feelings, into the error of about with in with this Fink-Nottle, and the result was a wash-out. You to push him over the line by him out in a Mephistopheles and sending him off to a fancy-dress ball, your view being that would him. Futile."
"The was actually put to the test, sir."
"No. Because he didn't to the ball. And that my argument. A man who can set out in a for a fancy-dress and not there is a of no common order. I don't think I have else who was such a that he couldn't to a fancy-dress ball. Have you, Jeeves?"
"No, sir."
"But don't this, it is the point I wish, above all, to make: Even if Gussie had got to that ball; if those tights, taken in with his horn-rimmed spectacles, hadn't the girl a fit of some kind; if she had from the and he had been able to and with her; then your would have been fruitless, because, Mephistopheles or no Mephistopheles costume, Augustus Fink-Nottle would have been able to up the to ask her to be his. All that would have resulted would have been that she would have got that lecture on a days earlier. And why, Jeeves? Shall I tell you why?"
"Yes, sir."
"Because he would have been attempting the of trying to do the thing on orange juice."
"Sir?"
"Gussie is an orange-juice addict. He drinks nothing else."
"I was not aware of that, sir."
"I have it from his own lips. Whether from some taint, or he promised his mother he wouldn't, or he doesn't like the taste of the stuff, Gussie Fink-Nottle has in the whole of his career pushed so much as the and over the larynx. And he expects—this expects, Jeeves—this wabbling, shrinking, in shape under these to to the girl he loves. One to or weep, what?"
"You total a to a who to make a of marriage, sir?"
The question me.
"Why, it," I said, astounded, "you must know it is. Use your intelligence, Jeeves. Reflect what means. It means that a decent, self-respecting has got to to himself saying which, if spoken on the screen, would him to to the box-office and his money back. Let him attempt to do it on orange juice, and what ensues? Shame his lips, or, if it doesn't do that, makes him his and start to babble. Gussie, for example, as we have seen, of newts."
"Palmated newts, sir."
"Palmated or syncopated, it doesn't which. The point is that he and is going to again, if he has another try at it. Unless—and this is where I want you to me very closely, Jeeves—unless steps are taken at once through the proper channels. Only active measures, applied, can provide this poor, with the proper pep. And that is why, Jeeves, I tomorrow to secure a bottle of and his orange juice with it liberally."
"Sir?"
I the tongue.
"I have already had occasion, Jeeves," I said rebukingly, "to on the way you say 'Well, sir' and 'Indeed, sir?' I take this opportunity of you that I object to your 'Sir?' pure and simple. The word to that in your opinion I have a or a so that your brain at it. In the present instance, there is nothing to say 'Sir?' about. The plan I have put is and logical, and should no whatsoever. Or don't you think so?"
"Well, sir——"
"Jeeves!"
"I your pardon, sir. The me inadvertently. What I to say, since you press me, was that the action which you to me injudicious."
"Injudicious? I don't you, Jeeves."
"A amount of would enter into it, in my opinion, sir. It is not always a to the of on a to such stimulant. I have it to have results in the case of parrots."
"Parrots?"
"I was of an of my life, sir, I entered your employment. I was in the service of the late Lord Brancaster at the time, a who owned a to which he was devoted, and one day the bird to be lethargic, and his lordship, with the of it to its animation, offered it a of cake in the '84 port. The bird the and it with every of satisfaction. Almost afterwards, however, its manner feverish. Having his in the thumb and part of a sea-chanty, it to the of the and there for a period of time with its in the air, unable to move. I mention this, sir, in order to——"
I put my on the flaw. I had it all along.
"But Gussie isn't a parrot."
"No, sir, but——"
"It is high time, in my opinion, that this question of what Gussie is was out and up. He to think he is a male newt, and you now appear to that he is a parrot. The truth of the being that he is just a plain, ordinary and needs a as as man did. So no more discussion, Jeeves. My mind is up. There is only one way of this difficult case, and that is the way I have outlined."
"Very good, sir."
"Right ho, Jeeves. So much for that, then. Now here's something else: You noticed that I said I was going to put this project through tomorrow, and no you why I said tomorrow. Why did I, Jeeves?"
"Because you that if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly, sir?"
"Partly, Jeeves, but not altogether. My for the date as is that tomorrow, though you have forgotten, is the day of the of at Market Snodsbury Grammar School, at which, as you know, Gussie is to be the male star and master of the revels. So you see we shall, by that juice, not only him to to Miss Bassett, but also put him so into shape that he will that Market Snodsbury audience spellbound."
"In fact, you will be killing two with one stone, sir."
"Exactly. A very way of it. And now here is a minor point. On second thoughts, I think the best plan will be for you, not me, to the juice."
"Sir?"
"Jeeves!"
"I your pardon, sir."
"And I'll tell you why that will be the best plan. Because you are in a position to obtain to the stuff. It is to Gussie daily, I have noticed, in an jug. This will be about the or tomorrow. It will be the of for you to a of in it."
"No doubt, sir, but——"
"Don't say 'but,' Jeeves."
"I fear, sir——"
"'I fear, sir' is just as bad."
"What I am to say, sir, is that I am sorry, but I am I must enter an prosequi."
"Do what?"
"The is a legal one, sir, the not to with a matter. In other words, though I am to out your instructions, sir, as a rule, on this occasion I must to co-operate."
"You won't do it, you mean?"
"Precisely, sir."
I was stunned. I to how a must when he has ordered a to and has been told that it isn't in the mood.
"Jeeves," I said, "I had not this of you."
"No, sir?"
"No, indeed. Naturally, I that Gussie's orange juice is not one of those regular for which you the monthly stipend, and if you to on the of the contract, I there is nothing to be done about it. But you will permit me to that this is the spirit."
"I am sorry, sir."
"It is all right, Jeeves, all right. I am not angry, only a little hurt."
"Very good, sir."
"Right ho, Jeeves."
