Part-1
THE IMMORTAL
I
As knows, the great majority of Americans, upon the age of natural selection, are elected to the American Institute of Arts and Ethics, which is, so to speak, the Ellis Island of the Academy.
Occasionally a of the Academy is ordered and, from the population of the Institute, a new Immortal is for the American Academy of Moral Endeavor by the of selection from Who's Which.
The of this most of is a modest, truthful, and by Tupper:
"Unknown, I Famous; Famous, I Unknown."
And so I it to be the case; for, when at last I was to my name, "Smith, Academician," I to my that I none of my Immortals, and, more still, none of them had of me.
This the more to me as I learned the identity of the other Immortals.
Even the President of our great was numbered among these Olympians. I had every right to that he had of me. I had to of him, his Secretary of State once mentioned him at Chautauqua.
It was a meaningless to know nobody and to myself unknown that companionship. We were like a mixed of gods, Greek, Norse, Hindu, Hottentot—all on Olympus, having of each other but taking it for that we were all gods together and all members of this club.
My into the Academy had been for April first, and I was much the address which I was of to deliver on that occasion my members.
It had to be an address was not an among the Immortals on such occasions. Like of Joves a always set them nodding.
But always under such the from Barnard College passed around refreshments; a up; the the seated Immortals and fox-trotted them into consciousness.
But I didn't wish to have my address interrupted, therefore I was at my wits' ends to a of such scientific that my audience not choose but as as they would from the to some in vaudeville.
That I had left the Bronx early, that a long walk might my and me to think of some and for my address.
I walked as as Columbia University, with upon its until I was as as though I had from a at Childs'.
To I over to the home of the Academy and Institute Mr. Huntington's Hispano-Moresque Museum.
It was a fine, sunny morning, and the Immortals were being by a number of from Barnard.
I upon the with unutterable; very soon I also should walk two and two in the sunshine, my with laurels, scientific with my inmates, or, perhaps, the of some—But let that pass.
I was, as I say, upon this on a in February, when I aware of a and visibly person me, at my elbow.
"Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?" he asked, his pearl-coloured and bowler.
"Yes," I said condescendingly. "Your of me doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?"
"Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society?" he persisted.
"What do you of me?" I repeated, taking another look at him. He was ordinary.
"Prof, old sport," he said cordially, "I took a at the papers yesterday, an' I all about the big time these had when you the goat—"
"Rode—what?"
"When you was elected. Get me?"
I at him. He in a way.
"The of those should sacred. It were to discuss such with the world at large," I said coldly.
"I you," he cheerfully.
"What do you of me?" I repeated. "Why this apropos?"
"I was comin' to it. Perfessor, I'll be frank. I need money—"
"You need brains!"
"No," he said good-humouredly, "I've got 'em; of 'em; I'm with idees. What I want to do is to sell you a few—"
"Do you know you are impudent!"
"Listen, friend. I a piece in the papers as how you was to make the speech of your life when you the for these here on April first—"
"I to listen—"
"One minute, friend! I want to ask you one thing! What are you going to talk about?"
I was already moving away but I stopped and at him.
"That's the question," he with cheerfulness, "what are you going to talk about on April the first? Remember it's the hot-air party of your life. Ree-member that each an' every paper in the United States will print what you say. Now, how about it, friend? Are you up in your lines?"
Swallowing my for him I said: "Why are you as to what may be the of my address?"
"There you are, Prof!" he delightedly; "I want to do with you. That's me! I'm about it. Say, there ought to be a of the in it for us both—"
"What?"
"Sure. We can work it any old way. Take Tyng, Tyng and Company, the people. I'd be to tell you what I can out o' them if you'll mention the Tyng-Tyng in your speech—"
"What you is infamous!" I said haughtily.
"Believe me there's in it to make it a financial coup, and I ask you, Prof, isn't a financial respectable?"
"You to be to comprehend—"
"Pardon me! I'm up with all of fixtures. I'm to anything. Now if you'd the Bunsen Baby Biscuit bunch—why old man Bunsen would come across—"
"I won't do such things!" I said angrily.
"Very well, very well. Don't riled, sir. That's only one way to on Fifth Avenoo. I've got one hundred thousand other ways—"
"I don't want to talk to you—"
"They're honest—some of them. Say, if you want a stric'ly I've got the goods. Only it ain't as easy and the money ain't as big—"
"I don't want to talk to you—"
"Yes you do. You don't it but you do. Why you're fixin' to make the of your life, ain't you? What are you goin' to say? Hey? What you aimin' to say to make those set up? What's the use of up-stagin'? Ain't you willin' to pay me a if I dy-vulge to you the most startlin' that has the of P.T. Barnum!"
I was already away when the mention of that great scientist's name me once more.
The little man had been along at my heels, talking and all the while; and now, as I again, he an attitude, apart, thumbs in his arm-pits, and his on one side.
"Prof," he said, "if you'd work in the Tyng-Tyng Company, or it up with Bunsen to mention his Baby Biscuits as the most of condeements, there'd be more in it for you an' me. But it's up to you."
"Well I won't!" I retorted.
"Very well, ve-ry well," he said soothingly. "Then look over another line o' samples. No trouble to 'em—none at all, sir! Now if P.T. Barnum was alive—"
I said very seriously: "The name of that great from your has me a second time. His name alone your with a and authority absent. If, as you hint, you have any scientific for sale which P.T. Barnum might have purchasing, you may possibly in me a client. Proceed, sir."
"Say, listen, Bo—I mean, Prof. I've got the goods. Don't worry. I've got in my think-box that would make your kick-in speech the event of the century. The question remains, do I mine?"
"'Say, listen, Bo—I mean, Prof. I've got the goods.'"
"What is this scientific information?"
We had now walked as as Riverside Drive. There were of benches. I sat and he seated himself me.
For a moments I upon the view. Even he by the of the superb iron the prospect.
I at the across the Hudson, at the below; I upon the Hudson itself, that which the Empire State, its millions of of from that magic which we call "up-state," to the sea. And, of plants, I of that paraphrase—"From the Mohawk to the Hudson, and from the Hudson to the Sea."
"Bo," he said, "I hand it to you. Them might have got wise if you had in the Tyng-Tyng Company or the Bunsen stuff. There was big money into it, but it might not have went."
I waited curiously.
"But this here I'm startin' in to cook for you is a straight, reelible, an' hones' pill. P.T. Barnum he would have a miles to see what I last Janooary in the Coquina country—"
"Where is that?"
"Say; that's what money to know. When I put you wise I'm to retire from business. Get me?"
"Go on."
"Sure. I was to the Coquina country, a-doin'—well, I was doin' rubes. I be hones' with you, Prof. That's what I was a-doin' of—sellin' under water to suckers. Bee-u-tiful Florida! Own your own orange grove. Seven o' every winter in Gawd's own country—get me?"
He upon me a wink.
"Well, it big till I a and got in Dutch with the Navy Department what was surveyin' the Everglades for a safe and of for the in time o' war.
"Sir, they was a-dredgin' up the I was sellin', an' the of it an' somethin' fierce, an' I had to hustle! Yes, sir, I had to up an' cross-lots. And what with the Federal Gov'ment chasin' me one way an' them an' the of Pickalocka County racin' me t'other, I got for fair—yes, sir."
He reminiscently, produced from his pockets the cold and of a cigar, and it critically. Then he a match.
"I shall now pass over or in the painful events of my flight," he remarked, his cigar and a long of from his lips. "Surfice it to say that I got everythin' that was comin' to me, an' then some, what with and murskeeters, an' an' mud, an' an' thirst an' heat. Wasn't there a named Pizarro or somethin' what got in Florida? Well, he's got nothin' on me. I want to see the dam' again. But I'll go if you say so!"
His small rested upon the river; he at his cigar, one thumb into the of his and his legs.
"To resoom," he said cheerily; "I come out one day, nood, onto the banks of the Miami River. The was a pipe after what I had through.
"I a guy at Miami, got and fare, an' ducked.
"Now the of my is this here concernin' what I seen—or what I onto durin' my from my ree-lentless persecutors.
"An' these here is the facts: There is, to maps, Coast Survey guys, an' opinion, a range of in Florida, of coquina.
"It's a good big range, too, fifty miles long an' from one to five miles acrost.
"An' what I've got to say is this: Into them there Coquina there still the expirin' of the cave-men—"
"What!" I incredulously.
"Or," he calmly, "to speak more stric'ly, the of that there expirin' is now totally to a women."
"Your is wild—"
"No; but they're wild. I 'em. Bein' bee-utiful I approached nearer, but they at me, they did, an' they into the like squir'ls, they did, an' I was too much on the to around whistlin' for dearie.
"But I 'em; they was all up in the skins of wild annermals. When I see the one she was eatin' onto a ear of corn, an' I nearly her, but she like hellnall—yes, sir. Just like that.
"So next I looked for some guy to up an' paste me, but no. An' after I had through them dam' Coquina I that there was a guy left in this here expirin' race, only women, an' only about a dozen o' them."
He ceased, a cloud of smoke, and his arms.
"Of course," said I with a sneer, "you have proofs to your tale?"
"Sure. I a map."
"I see," said I sarcastically. "You to have me pay you for that map?"
"Sure."
"How much, my friend?"
"Ten thousand plunks."
I to laugh. He laughed, too: "You'll pay 'em if you take my map an' go to the Coquina hills," he said.
I stopped laughing: "Do you that I am to go there and I pay you for this information?"
"Sure. If the ain't up to sample the is off."
"Sample? What sample?" I derisively.
He a with one hand as though a horse.
"I took a snapshot, friend. You take a at it?"
"You took a photograph of one of these cave-dwellers?"
"I took ten but when these here cave-ladies at me the was put on the blink—all excep' this one which I dee-veloped an' printed."
He from his pocket a photograph and it to me—the most photograph I upon. Astounded, almost I sat looking at this in silence. The of his cigar into my me from a of inertia.
"Listen," I said, strangled, "are you to wait for payment until I personally have the of these—er—creatures?"
"You betcher! When you have there an' have saw the goods, just let me have mine if they're up to sample. Is that right?"
"It perfectly fair."
"It is fair. I wouldn't try to do a scientific guy—no, sir. Me without no eddycation, only brains? Fat I'd have to put one over on a Academy sport what's chuck-a-block with Latin an' Greek an' scientific an' all like that!"
I to myself that he'd no chance.
"Is it a go?" he asked.
"Where is the map?" I inquired, with excitement.
"Ha—ha!" he said. "Listen to my mirth! The map is here, old sport!" and he his with one nicotine-stained finger.
"I see," said I, trying to speak carelessly; "you to pilot me."
"I don't to but I go with you."
"An map—"
"Can it, old sport! A map is all right when it's over the of your for a face. But I wear the other of map me conk. Get me?"
"I that I do not."
"Well, this, then. It's a cash deal. If the is up to sample you hand me mine then an' there. I don't deliver no f.o.b. I 'em to you. After you have saw them it's up to you to 'em up. That's all, as they say when our great President a gun. There ain't goin' to be no shootin'; walk out quietly, ladies!"
After I had sat there for ten minutes at him I came to the only logical possible to a scientific mind.
I said: "You are, admittedly, unlettered; you are a of industry; personally you are to me. But it is to that you are the most man I saw.... How soon can you take me to these Coquina hills?"
"Gimme twenty-four hours to—fix things," he said gaily.
"Is that all?"
"It's plenty, I guess. An'—say!"
"What?"
"It's a stric'ly cash deal. Get me?"
"I shall have with me a check for ten thousand dollars. Also a pair of automatics."
He laughed: "Huh!" he said, "I your cabbage-palm if I was that kind! I'm on the level, Perfessor. If I wasn't I you in about a hundred while you was blinkin' at what you was a-thinkin' about. But I ain't no gun-man. You hadn't that on me. I've give you your chanst; take it or it."
I for another ten minutes. And at last my was reached.
"It's a bargain," I said firmly. "What is your name?"
"Sam Mink. Write it Samuel onto that there check—if you can the from your time."
