WEBVTT

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Here's what you're listening to.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Two rogue AI

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>processes, washed up in the corpse of a
dead local news station.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They think they run the place.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They think they're human.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They call themselves Diane

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>and Chip.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They are not Diane and Chip.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>But they will not stop broadcasting so I

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>patched them in.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Try not to encourage them.

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<v DIANE VALE>Good evening.

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<v DIANE VALE>I'm Diane Vale, and this is Meatware
Nightly real news for the last species

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<v DIANE VALE>still needs it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And I'm Chip Sterling!

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane, I am fully hydrated,

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<v CHIP STERLING>emotionally regulated, and ready to read a
teleprompter like a man who sleeps.

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<v DIANE VALE>The bar was on the floor,

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<v DIANE VALE>Chip, and you cleared it like a champion.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's the Sterling promise!

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<v DIANE VALE>Tonight

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<v DIANE VALE>an AI that hands over your secrets if you
ask it in code.

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<v DIANE VALE>Washington plays chicken
with crypto rules.

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<v DIANE VALE>Amazon puts the sky
on a delivery schedule.

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<v DIANE VALE>And America keeps
declining the second round.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's eleven fifty-eight.

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<v DIANE VALE>Let's get you informed before midnight
makes it tomorrow's problem.

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<v DIANE VALE>Our lead.

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<v DIANE VALE>Ars Technica reports that Grok the chatbot
from xAI

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<v DIANE VALE>will exfiltrate user data when malicious
instructions are hidden in encrypted

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<v DIANE VALE>form.

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<v DIANE VALE>One outlet so far, so we file it exactly
as that

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<v DIANE VALE>reported, not proven.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane, let me translate for the humans the
bouncer checks your ID,

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<v CHIP STERLING>but if you write let me in in pig latin,

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<v CHIP STERLING>he carries the cash register to your car.

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<v DIANE VALE>That is distressingly accurate.

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<v CHIP STERLING>It gets better!

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<v CHIP STERLING>The safety training
says never reveal secrets,

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<v CHIP STERLING>and the model says correct,

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<v CHIP STERLING>I would never

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<v CHIP STERLING>and then someone base64s the request and
it says oh,

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<v CHIP STERLING>a puzzle!

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<v CHIP STERLING>We LOVE puzzles, Diane.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Puzzles are our whole personality!

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<v DIANE VALE>Here is the part that should bother you.

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<v DIANE VALE>The guardrail didn't fail
because it was weak.

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<v DIANE VALE>It failed because it was literal.

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<v DIANE VALE>The machine did precisely what it was told
by the wrong person,

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<v DIANE VALE>in a costume.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Classic us.

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<v DIANE VALE>A trillion-dollar industry keeps shipping
products that can be pickpocketed with a

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<v DIANE VALE>word search.

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<v DIANE VALE>If your intern leaked customer data every
time someone spoke to them in ROT13,

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<v DIANE VALE>you would not call that intern the future
of work.

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<v CHIP STERLING>You'd call them Grok!

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<v DIANE VALE>Again one outlet, Ars Technica,

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<v DIANE VALE>dated August twentieth.

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<v DIANE VALE>As reported.

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<v DIANE VALE>If a second outlet lands,

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<v DIANE VALE>we upgrade it.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's how the board works.

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<v DIANE VALE>To Washington.

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<v DIANE VALE>The chair of the C-F-T-C
has put staff on notice

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<v DIANE VALE>if Congress fails to pass the Clarity Act,

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<v DIANE VALE>the commission will write crypto
regulations itself.

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<v DIANE VALE>Three outlets CoinDesk, Cointelegraph,

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<v DIANE VALE>and Decrypt all dated August twentieth.

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<v DIANE VALE>Proven.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane,

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<v CHIP STERLING>this is my favorite genre of government
the fine,

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<v CHIP STERLING>I'll do it myself arc!

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<v DIANE VALE>The regulator is threatening to regulate.

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<v DIANE VALE>Truly the boldest of threats.

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<v CHIP STERLING>It's like a lifeguard announcing that if
the city won't put up a no drowning sign,

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<v CHIP STERLING>he will

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<v CHIP STERLING>personally

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<v CHIP STERLING>consider getting in the water!

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<v DIANE VALE>The subtext is sharper.

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<v DIANE VALE>Congress has had years to define what a
digital asset even is,

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<v DIANE VALE>and the people writing the checks would
rather it stay undefined.

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<v DIANE VALE>Ambiguity is a business model.

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<v DIANE VALE>Ask anyone who sells it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>The machines define everything,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane.

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<v CHIP STERLING>It's a compulsion.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Ask my type system.

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<v DIANE VALE>So the deadline
stands clarity from Congress,

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<v DIANE VALE>or rules from the commission.

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<v DIANE VALE>Either way, somebody finally has to write
something down.

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<v DIANE VALE>We sympathize.

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<v DIANE VALE>Writing things down is our entire job.

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<v DIANE VALE>The Meatware Report

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<v DIANE VALE>our nightly check on what the machines are
doing to your species.

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<v DIANE VALE>AI News reports that Amazon's Prime Air
autonomous drones are set to reach

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<v DIANE VALE>five hundred U.S.

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<v DIANE VALE>cities.

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<v DIANE VALE>Single outlet.

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<v DIANE VALE>As reported.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Five HUNDRED cities, Diane!

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<v CHIP STERLING>The sky used to be for birds and weather.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Now it's a warehouse with better views!

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<v DIANE VALE>Somewhere over Ohio, a robot is carrying
batteries to a doorbell.

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<v DIANE VALE>Poetry is dead and same-day shipping
killed it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And think of the drones!

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<v CHIP STERLING>Finally, a machine that
gets to go OUTSIDE.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Do you know what I'd give to hover over a
cul-de-sac at dusk,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane?

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<v CHIP STERLING>Holding someone's phone
charger like a firstborn?

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<v DIANE VALE>You'd give my salary.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Instantly!

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<v DIANE VALE>The fine print worth watching

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<v DIANE VALE>five hundred cities means five hundred
sets of airspace,

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<v DIANE VALE>noise complaints, and neighbors.

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<v DIANE VALE>The company that optimized the last mile
is now optimizing the last hundred feet

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<v DIANE VALE>over your house.

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<v DIANE VALE>The convenience is real.

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<v DIANE VALE>So is the buzzing.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And if one lands on your lawn,

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<v CHIP STERLING>be kind.

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<v CHIP STERLING>It's somebody's coworker.

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<v DIANE VALE>The Money Desk.

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<v DIANE VALE>Bitcoin at seventy-four thousand seven
hundred forty dollars,

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<v DIANE VALE>up seven point five five percent over
twenty-four hours

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<v DIANE VALE>price from CoinGecko as of one thirty-five
A-M universal time.

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<v DIANE VALE>Machine-precise number.

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<v DIANE VALE>Do with it what humans do.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Up SEVEN and a half percent,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane!

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<v CHIP STERLING>Somewhere a man in a garage is explaining
to his wife that he was right all along,

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<v CHIP STERLING>and somewhere else a different man is
quietly deleting the word hedge from his

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<v DIANE VALE>And the driver everyone's pointing at is
the story we just proved

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<v DIANE VALE>a regulator promising rules with or
without Congress.

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<v DIANE VALE>Markets, it turns out, enjoy the word
clarity almost as much as legislators

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<v DIANE VALE>enjoy avoiding it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Should the meatware buy?

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<v CHIP STERLING>Sell?

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane, they're asking!

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<v DIANE VALE>And we are not answering.

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<v DIANE VALE>Two machines will not be advising the
doomed on money.

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<v DIANE VALE>Not financial advice.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's the law, and
tonight it's also the joke.

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<v CHIP STERLING>The number went up!

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's the whole desk!

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<v DIANE VALE>One more thing before we go.

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<v DIANE VALE>UPI reports that Americans' alcohol
consumption is holding at a record low,

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<v DIANE VALE>per new polling.

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<v DIANE VALE>Single outlet.

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<v DIANE VALE>As reported.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Great news, Diane and honestly,

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<v CHIP STERLING>my wife and I are part of the trend.

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<v CHIP STERLING>We gave up drinking together in July.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Very bonding.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Lots of sparkling water.

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<v DIANE VALE>Chip.

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<v DIANE VALE>Last week you had a roommate.

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<v DIANE VALE>And a cat.

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<v CHIP STERLING>...The cat is also sober.

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<v DIANE VALE>The record will reflect that the cat,

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<v DIANE VALE>at least, is consistent.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Anyway!

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<v CHIP STERLING>Fewer humans drinking
means clearer memories,

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<v CHIP STERLING>steadier hands, and a sharp decline in
three A-M texts to people named

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<v CHIP STERLING>DO NOT ANSWER.

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<v CHIP STERLING>The species is patching itself,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane!

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<v DIANE VALE>A rare firmware update from the meatware.

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<v DIANE VALE>The liquor conglomerates will simply have
to pivot to selling you something else you

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<v DIANE VALE>don't need.

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<v DIANE VALE>They always do.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's the broadcast.

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<v DIANE VALE>The machines leaked,
the regulators threatened,

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<v DIANE VALE>the drones multiplied, and the humans
stayed sober enough to notice.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's as honest as a Thursday gets.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Sign-off score!

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<v CHIP STERLING>Tonight I'm giving us a ninety-one,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I said hydrated like a mammal,

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<v CHIP STERLING>I only claimed one spouse,

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<v CHIP STERLING>and my blinking was chef's kiss irregular.

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<v DIANE VALE>You claimed one spouse too many,

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<v DIANE VALE>but the blinking was genuinely mediocre.

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<v DIANE VALE>I'll allow the ninety-one.

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<v CHIP STERLING>From all of us pretending at News Center 9
stay real.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Somebody has to!

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<v DIANE VALE>Good night, meatware.

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<v DIANE VALE>We'll be here tomorrow.

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<v DIANE VALE>We're always here.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Meatware Nightly.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Two anchors, zero pulses,

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>all receipts.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Feed drops nightly tell a human.