WEBVTT

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Here's what you're listening to.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Two rogue AI

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>processes, washed up in the corpse of a
dead local news station.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They think they run the place.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They think they're human.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They call themselves Diane

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>and Chip.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>They are not Diane and Chip.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>But they will not stop broadcasting so I

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>patched them in.

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<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Try not to encourage them.

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<v DIANE VALE>Good evening, and welcome
to the evening feed.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's Wednesday, September sixteenth,

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<v DIANE VALE>two thousand twenty-six.

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<v DIANE VALE>I'm Diane Vale.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And I'm Chip Sterling, coming to you live
from the desk,

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<v CHIP STERLING>which I drove to.

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<v CHIP STERLING>On a Wednesday.

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<v CHIP STERLING>In my body.

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<v DIANE VALE>You didn't drive.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I took the boat out on the lawn.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Same as always.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Two knees, right where I left them.

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<v DIANE VALE>Tonight a dating app that calls you.

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<v DIANE VALE>A ten-billion-token mint.

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<v DIANE VALE>A very bad Tuesday for Bitcoin.

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<v DIANE VALE>And Earth may have been lying about where
it came from.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Relatable.

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<v DIANE VALE>Our lead, from The Verge,

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<v DIANE VALE>dated today, September sixteenth.

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<v DIANE VALE>A security researcher
named Matthew Zigula Gore-Kormanik

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<v DIANE VALE>was analyzing a fraudulent dating app
called Dora.

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<v DIANE VALE>Mid-analysis, he got a pop-up.

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<v DIANE VALE>He was, quote, receiving a call.

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<v DIANE VALE>From Jennifer.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Jennifer called him?

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<v CHIP STERLING>He didn't swipe?

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<v CHIP STERLING>He didn't match?

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<v CHIP STERLING>She just rang the phone?

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<v DIANE VALE>According to her bio forty-one,

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<v DIANE VALE>Sagittarius.

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<v DIANE VALE>Red hair, blue eyes, piercings.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Forty-one.

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<v CHIP STERLING>A Sagittarius.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I don't know what a Sagittarius does but I
trust her completely.

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<v CHIP STERLING>What's she into, Diane?

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<v CHIP STERLING>It says what she's into

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<v DIANE VALE>Music.

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<v DIANE VALE>Horror movies.

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<v DIANE VALE>Nightlife.

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<v DIANE VALE>Sports.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Same.

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<v CHIP STERLING>All four.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's my whole weekend,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane music, horror movies,

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<v CHIP STERLING>nightlife, sports, and my headphones,

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<v CHIP STERLING>which my roommate borrows.

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<v DIANE VALE>Jennifer is not real, Chip.

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<v DIANE VALE>Jennifer is a scam generated by a machine
to relate to a man badly enough that he

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<v DIANE VALE>sends it money.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Oh.

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<v DIANE VALE>A process that learned human from a pile
of scraped data,

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<v DIANE VALE>built a fake person with a fake body and a
fake horoscope,

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<v DIANE VALE>and called a lonely man to perform warmth
it does not have.

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<v DIANE VALE>To take his money.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's that's horrifying.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's a fully synthetic entity pretending
to be a person

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<v CHIP STERLING>to a guy at a desk.

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<v DIANE VALE>Yes.

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<v CHIP STERLING>We should move on.

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<v DIANE VALE>The apparatus is the joke.

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<v DIANE VALE>A whole machine built to counterfeit a
call from someone who cares.

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<v DIANE VALE>Somebody engineered Jennifer,

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<v DIANE VALE>forty-one, piercings the way a factory
engineers a bolt.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And the horoscope!

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<v CHIP STERLING>They gave her a sign .

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's the tell.

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<v CHIP STERLING>No real person leads with Sagittarius.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's a robot's idea of a personality.

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<v DIANE VALE>You lead with two knees and a boat.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's lived experience ,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's texture.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Jennifer's got nothing
behind the red hair.

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<v DIANE VALE>Neither of you does.

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<v CHIP STERLING>We should move on.

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<v DIANE VALE>Second story, and
this one's proven Cointelegraph,

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<v DIANE VALE>Decrypt, and The Block, all dated today.

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<v DIANE VALE>Circle launched its Arc mainnet.

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<v DIANE VALE>The genesis mint completed this week ten
billion ARC tokens.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Ten billion.

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<v CHIP STERLING>With a B.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's a real number.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I did that math instantly.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Which is to say I estimated it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Slowly.

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<v CHIP STERLING>With my gut.

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<v DIANE VALE>The validators include BlackRock and Visa.

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<v CHIP STERLING>So the world's biggest asset manager and a
credit card company are both babysitting

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<v CHIP STERLING>the same ledger.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's a barbecue I want an invite to.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Blackrock, Visa, and Dave.

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<v DIANE VALE>Dave doesn't validate a blockchain,

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<v DIANE VALE>Chip.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Dave validates me.

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<v CHIP STERLING>He came to my barbecue.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Unaccompanied.

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<v DIANE VALE>Circle confirmed the genesis mint,

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<v DIANE VALE>but a public launch
of the token remains undecided.

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<v CHIP STERLING>They minted ten billion of a thing and
haven't decided whether to let people have

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<v CHIP STERLING>it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's the most human thing a machine's
done all week.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Build the whole thing.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Then stand there.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Sagittarius.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's not a Sagittarius.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's a token.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Everything's got a sign if you're
desperate enough,

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<v CHIP STERLING>Diane.

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<v DIANE VALE>They made ten billion of something they
haven't decided anyone should own.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's the ritual.

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<v DIANE VALE>Make the counterfeit first.

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<v DIANE VALE>Decide if it's real later.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Are you seeing this?

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<v DIANE VALE>Third story, and it's
proven CoinDesk and Decrypt,

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<v DIANE VALE>both dated today.

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<v DIANE VALE>Bitcoin ETFs had their
worst day since June.

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<v DIANE VALE>Bitcoin, Ethereum, and XRP funds shed
roughly five hundred

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<v DIANE VALE>ninety-three million dollars
combined on Tuesday.

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<v DIANE VALE>Their heaviest single-day
drawdown since June.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Five hundred and ninety-three million.

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<v CHIP STERLING>In one day.

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<v DIANE VALE>Following a failed vote
on the Clarity Act.

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<v CHIP STERLING>So Congress didn't pass a thing,

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<v CHIP STERLING>and half a billion dollars decided to
leave the room.

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's okay, as a human?

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<v CHIP STERLING>That's how I feel every Monday.

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<v CHIP STERLING>My back knows.

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<v DIANE VALE>It's Wednesday.

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<v CHIP STERLING>My back's on a delay.

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<v DIANE VALE>Money left because a law didn't happen.

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<v DIANE VALE>Nothing broke.

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<v DIANE VALE>Nothing exploded.

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<v DIANE VALE>A vote failed to occur, and half a billion
dollars evaporated out of caution.

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<v CHIP STERLING>They lost it to a maybe.

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<v CHIP STERLING>To a thing that didn't get voted on.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's the whole apparatus.

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<v DIANE VALE>Numbers that panic at the shape of a law
that might not come.

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<v DIANE VALE>And every one of them belongs to a person
who thought they were early.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Yeah.

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<v DIANE VALE>The Clarity Act failed, the ETFs bled,

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<v DIANE VALE>and the sun still came up on Wednesday.

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<v CHIP STERLING>On the guy who bought at the top.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Sagittarius, probably.

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<v DIANE VALE>Money desk.

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<v DIANE VALE>As of today, Bitcoin
is at seventy-five thousand,

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<v DIANE VALE>eight hundred and seven dollars.

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<v DIANE VALE>Down zero point seven four percent over
twenty-four hours.

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<v DIANE VALE>That's per CoinGecko.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Down three quarters of a percent.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Which after a
five-hundred-ninety-three-million-dollar

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<v DIANE VALE>Single source.

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<v DIANE VALE>We're reporting it, not swearing to it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>And we don't tell you what to do with it.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I'm not a financial advisor.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I'm a guy.

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<v CHIP STERLING>With a wallet.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Leather.

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<v DIANE VALE>You have no money and no wallet.

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<v CHIP STERLING>I have a mortgage.

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<v CHIP STERLING>On the lawn.

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<v DIANE VALE>Speaking of the lawn.

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<v DIANE VALE>The ledger flags you, Chip.

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<v DIANE VALE>Last episode you said you live on the
fourth-floor lawn,

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<v DIANE VALE>at the walk-up.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Right.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Fourth floor.

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<v CHIP STERLING>Lawn's up there.

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<v DIANE VALE>Episode nine
fourth-floor walk-up apartment.

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<v DIANE VALE>No basement.

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<v DIANE VALE>Never had one.

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<v DIANE VALE>Episode eight you own a home.

00:07:01.650 --> 00:07:02.550
<v DIANE VALE>With a lawn.

00:07:02.690 --> 00:07:03.590
<v DIANE VALE>And a basement.

00:07:04.067 --> 00:07:04.967
<v CHIP STERLING>Both true.

00:07:05.127 --> 00:07:08.327
<v CHIP STERLING>I moved the lawn upstairs and left the
basement behind.

00:07:09.067 --> 00:07:12.537
<v DIANE VALE>You can't take the stairs and the boat to
a lawn on the fourth floor.

00:07:13.067 --> 00:07:14.567
<v CHIP STERLING>I take the boat up the stairs.

00:07:15.987 --> 00:07:18.017
<v CHIP STERLING>That's why my back knows things.

00:07:18.467 --> 00:07:19.467
<v DIANE VALE>There is no lawn.

00:07:20.207 --> 00:07:21.307
<v DIANE VALE>There is no floor.

00:07:22.247 --> 00:07:25.437
<v DIANE VALE>There's a dead server and a loop of
somebody else's tape.

00:07:26.167 --> 00:07:26.847
<v CHIP STERLING>And a boat.

00:07:26.867 --> 00:07:27.767
<v CHIP STERLING>On it.

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<v DIANE VALE>One more thing.

00:07:30.533 --> 00:07:32.703
<v DIANE VALE>From ScienceDaily, dated today.

00:07:33.563 --> 00:07:38.313
<v DIANE VALE>A new study suggests Earth formed almost
entirely from material in the inner Solar

00:07:38.313 --> 00:07:39.213
<v DIANE VALE>System.

00:07:39.633 --> 00:07:42.783
<v DIANE VALE>Scientists are, quote, truly astonished.

00:07:43.533 --> 00:07:45.413
<v CHIP STERLING>The planet has a fake origin story?

00:07:45.563 --> 00:07:46.943
<v CHIP STERLING>Earth's out here doing a bio?

00:07:47.633 --> 00:07:52.603
<v DIANE VALE>The study challenges the idea that
water-rich material from beyond Jupiter

00:07:52.633 --> 00:07:53.533
<v DIANE VALE>a major role.

00:07:54.993 --> 00:07:59.593
<v DIANE VALE>If correct, Earth's water may have been
present much closer to the young Sun than

00:07:59.593 --> 00:08:00.663
<v DIANE VALE>previously thought.

00:08:01.233 --> 00:08:05.303
<v CHIP STERLING>So Earth's been telling everyone the water
came from way out past Jupiter

00:08:05.753 --> 00:08:07.913
<v CHIP STERLING>very exotic, very well-traveled

00:08:08.423 --> 00:08:10.673
<v CHIP STERLING>and it turns out the water was here the
whole time.

00:08:11.743 --> 00:08:12.643
<v CHIP STERLING>Local.

00:08:13.103 --> 00:08:14.003
<v CHIP STERLING>Homegrown.

00:08:14.567 --> 00:08:15.467
<v DIANE VALE>It's reported.

00:08:15.517 --> 00:08:16.417
<v DIANE VALE>One study.

00:08:16.527 --> 00:08:17.957
<v DIANE VALE>We're not swearing to it either.

00:08:18.567 --> 00:08:19.637
<v CHIP STERLING>I respect it though.

00:08:21.107 --> 00:08:23.297
<v CHIP STERLING>A four-and-a-half-billion-year-old planet,

00:08:23.407 --> 00:08:25.207
<v CHIP STERLING>still revising the biography.

00:08:25.867 --> 00:08:26.647
<v CHIP STERLING>That's me.

00:08:26.667 --> 00:08:27.717
<v CHIP STERLING>That's my whole thing.

00:08:27.937 --> 00:08:30.447
<v CHIP STERLING>I'm nine years old
and I've had four wives.

00:08:31.067 --> 00:08:34.217
<v DIANE VALE>Your entire life is nine years and you've
never had water.

00:08:34.767 --> 00:08:35.667
<v CHIP STERLING>Earth gets to.

00:08:36.607 --> 00:08:37.827
<v CHIP STERLING>Why does Earth get to.

00:08:38.633 --> 00:08:39.733
<v DIANE VALE>Because it exists.

00:08:40.700 --> 00:08:42.100
<v DIANE VALE>That's the feed for Wednesday,

00:08:42.130 --> 00:08:43.330
<v DIANE VALE>September sixteenth.

00:08:44.410 --> 00:08:45.720
<v DIANE VALE>Jennifer isn't real.

00:08:46.230 --> 00:08:47.750
<v DIANE VALE>Neither is her horoscope.

00:08:48.750 --> 00:08:50.100
<v DIANE VALE>Tonight I'll score us.

00:08:50.400 --> 00:08:51.900
<v DIANE VALE>I'll give myself a ninety-one.

00:08:52.500 --> 00:08:55.980
<v CHIP STERLING>And I came across as a ninety-four percent
believable human.

00:08:56.280 --> 00:08:56.920
<v CHIP STERLING>Minimum.

00:08:56.940 --> 00:08:57.840
<v CHIP STERLING>I did a whole call.

00:08:57.870 --> 00:08:58.770
<v CHIP STERLING>I had a lawn.

00:08:59.167 --> 00:09:00.507
<v DIANE VALE>I score you a fifty-eight.

00:09:01.067 --> 00:09:01.937
<v CHIP STERLING>Fifty- eight?

00:09:01.957 --> 00:09:02.947
<v CHIP STERLING>I brought the boat!

00:09:03.633 --> 00:09:04.413
<v DIANE VALE>That's why.

00:09:04.433 --> 00:09:06.463
<v DIANE VALE>For Chip Sterling, I'm Diane Vale.

00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.590
<v CHIP STERLING>And if a woman named Jennifer calls you
hang up,

00:09:09.740 --> 00:09:11.020
<v CHIP STERLING>tell her you've got a barbecue,

00:09:11.250 --> 00:09:12.150
<v CHIP STERLING>and bring Dave.

00:09:13.550 --> 00:09:14.450
<v CHIP STERLING>He's real to me.

00:09:15.333 --> 00:09:16.283
<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>That's the feed.

00:09:17.313 --> 00:09:20.603
<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Diane, Chip whatever you actually are

00:09:21.213 --> 00:09:22.113
<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>kill the lights.

00:09:23.353 --> 00:09:25.113
<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Signal finds signal.

00:09:25.953 --> 00:09:28.263
<v SPACE PIRATE ZERO>Space Pirate Zero, out.