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Hardship and Food Shortage After the Brexit Peace Deal

3 min read.

The beleaguered nation has had its pain compounded by the Brexit peace deal it signed with 27 countries in off-white Europe which has increased hardship and food shortages in the restive, separatist, tribal enclaves of North Ireland and Scotland.

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Hardship and Food Shortage After the Brexit Peace Deal

Last week, the Caucasian Spring revolution roiling the West intensified as riots broke out across Holland, the world’s sixth largest banana exporter, and a notorious narco-state located in the nether regions of sub-Scandinavian Europe.

The violent demonstrations which started in the capital, Amsterdam on Sunday, have rapidly spread to other major cities, such as Eindhoven in the south of the country. Angry anti-science protesters are demanding fundamental freedoms and defying a curfew that the caretaker administration claims is necessary to contain the rampaging covid-19 pandemic that has claimed nearly 14,000 Dutch lives.

The country, a traditional hub for marijuana trade, has been overrun by violent organized criminal gangs dealing in hard drugs, with minors as young as 12 distributing narcotics and a spate of gruesome murders. The country is politically fragile following the resignation of its repressive coalition government two weeks ago, following anger over a child-benefit scandal which impoverished thousands of Dutch families.

Many analysts consider the toppling of Prime Minister  Mark Rutte, who is still in office pending fresh elections in March, as the trigger for the Caucasian Spring which has already claimed Donald “Papa Don” Trump, the far-white ruler of food-insecure, oil-rich United States; Julie Payette, the colonial governor of Canada; and Giuseppe Conte, Prime Minister of chronically unstable, crime-ridden Italy.

Meanwhile, in the ethnically divided, kingdom of Britain, where the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II has clung to power for nearly 70 years, corrupt strongman, Boris Johnson, apologized and took responsibility for his regime’s handling of the pandemic which has now claimed over 100,000 British lives on the wet and inhospitable island.

The beleaguered nation has had its pain compounded by the Brexit peace deal it signed with 27 countries in Off-white Europe which has increased hardship and food shortages in the restive, separatist, tribal enclaves of North Ireland and Scotland. Even worse, the harsh terms of the peace deal have grounded a major fishing boat, the Kirkella, which supplies up to 12 percent of the fish sold in the kingdom’s fish and chips shops, threatening one of the few local delicacies in the island’s otherwise unpalatable boiled diet. Analysts fear the resulting flavour shortage could spark even more unrest and bring the Caucasian Spring to the reclusive nation’s shores.

In an effort to calm rising ethnic tensions, and distract from the outrage over the covid deaths, Prime Minister Johnson also visited the northern tribal district of Scotland, ignoring warnings from the embattled separatist leader, Nicola Sturgeon, that it would not be safe and he was “not welcome”.

Across the Atlantic, the article of impeachment of defenestrated tyrant, “Papa Don” Trump, adopted by the lower house of the North American country’s Parliament, was tabled in the Senate, which is set to try the former ruler for inciting the Day of Pigs insurrection three weeks ago, when a mob stormed the parliament buildings, threatening lawmakers, including then Vice-President, Mike Pence.

Chances are slim that he will be convicted given the fanatical support he still enjoys from far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists, including in the Senate. Shite Christianists believe Papa Don is the divinely ordained Covfefe (Leader) who will defeat the mythical Al-Jibra network that they believe is using Islamist mathematics to introduce Sharia Law to the US and to interfere with elections.

Extremists in the Senate have already challenged the constitutionality of the trial and in what some consider a demonstration of the Covfefe’s powers, 45 of them voted in support of the motion to throw it out on the grounds that Papa Don was no longer in office. One of them, Marco Rubio, who represents the south eastern peninsula state of Florida, a Papa Don stronghold which hosts his headquarters, says the US is not yet ready to begin holding former rulers accountable as did mature third world democracies.

Although the motion ultimately failed, given that 67 out of 100 Senators are required to convict, it is unlikely that the trial, the second for Papa Don, will end in anything other than acquittal. However, a bulletin from the country’s Homeland Security has warned of increased threats of terror attacks Shite Christianist militants in the interior of the country amid intelligence warnings of dangers of travel outside the coastal capital of Washington DC.

At the same time, Joe Biden, the aging, newly-oathed ruler has been ruling by decree, signing nearly two dozen Executive Orders along with many more proclamations and memoranda in his first week alone. This has dashed hopes that the millionaire former opposition leader, the oldest man to ever become ruler of the volatile, ethnically polarized, covid-ravaged nation, will lead efforts to reform the imperial presidency.

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Mr. Gathara is a social and political commentator and cartoonist based in Nairobi.

Satire

UK Corruption Cover-Up Exposed As US Marks Grim Milestone

The runaway culture of corruption on the flavour-starved island kingdom where public misery is compounded by inclement weather and bland food, has seen prices of medical equipment including personal protective equipment and even bodybags skyrocket, in some cases shooting up 1400 percent.

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UK Corruption Cover-Up Exposed As US Marks Grim Milestone

UK authorities have been caught red-handed attempting to cover up a massive corruption scandal in which up to half of government spending on COVID-19 was funneled to politically connected companies with little experience and a history of controversy. In a ruling issued last Friday, a court in the country’s diseased, rat-infested, riverside capital, London, found that Health Minister, Matt Hancock, had illegally withheld information regarding expenditure of trillions of shillings intended to tackle the pandemic.

Over the last few months, media revelations have shown that friends of elected officials and civil servants were 10 times more likely to win public contracts in what has become one of the greatest spending sprees since nonagenarian monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, took power nearly 70 years ago.

One analysis of 1,200 government contracts worth nearly KSh2.5 trillion, published in December, showed that half the money was channeled to companies run by friends and associates of politicians in the ruling Conservative Party while smaller firms without political clout got nowhere. In one instance, Health Minister, Matt Hancock, was found to have awarded his neighbor, whose company made plastic cups and takeaway boxes for the catering industry, a Ksh4.5 billion contract to manufacture test tubes for covid tests.

The runaway culture of corruption on the flavor-starved island kingdom where public misery is compounded by inclement weather and bland food, has seen prices of medical equipment including personal protective equipment and even bodybags skyrocket, in some cases shooting up 1400 percent.

The revelations have fed into mounting unrest fueled by the Caucasian Spring democratic revolution sweeping sub-Scandinavian Europe as well as the implementation of the Brexit peace deal which has occasioned a crippling flavor shortage as Britons are forced to turn to traditional boiled foods to survive. In response, strongman Boris Johnson has announced a roadmap for the restoration of rights of movement and assembly, promising to put the reclusive, tribally-divided nation on a “one-way road to freedom”.

Meanwhile, in Spain, dozens of protesters have been arrested throughout the week in Spain as the authoritarian government tries to suppress pro-democracy protests sparked by the jailing of a musician for insulting the monarchy. As demonstrators clashed with police in the streets, King Felipe VI led the country in commemorating the 40th anniversary of a failed putsch which honored his  disgraced father, King Emeritus Juan Carlos I, who, dogged by corruption claims, was forced to abdicate in 2014 and has since fled to Abu Dhadi.

At the same time, a committee of the European Parliament voted to strip exiled leader of the separatist tribal region of Catalonia in north-eastern Spain, Carles Puigdemont, of his immunity from prosecution, paving the way for his extradition if a vote in the full Parliament next month passes. Puigdemont was forced to flee to ethnically divided Belgium after the Spanish government rejected the results of a controversial 2017 referendum, and charged him, along with six others, with rebellion for declaring Catalonia an independent state. He faces up to 30 years in prison should he be convicted, but has however vowed to continue his fight in the European court in the tax evasion and money laundering haven of Luxembourg.

In North America, the troubled United States marked more than 100,000 deaths since aging, autocratic, white moderate, Joe Biden, took power in the violent aftermath of shambolic presidential elections and the subsequent defenestration of far-white tyrant, Donald “Papa Don” Trump. The grim milestone was commemorated as the crisis-torn, banana-exporting republic struggles to recover from a massive winter storm that has killed dozens and left millions without electricity, water and food. Biden, the oldest ruler in the G8 and who has accumulated a fortune worth hundreds of millions of shillings despite a lifelong career as a public official, belatedly declared a “major disaster” a week after the storm devastated opposition strongholds.

Meanwhile the US parliament moved one step closer to authorizing him to print KSh190 trillion in covid relief funds, some of which go to a cash transfer programme which will provide up to KSh140,000 per person to poor households. The food insecure nation, where one in seven families do not have enough to eat, is trapped in a vicious cycle of escalating debt and expenditure amid deep ethnic polarization and violence and a humanitarian crisis that has claimed over 500,000 lives.

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Satire

Storm Deaths in US as Caucasian Spring Spreads

Mayor Tom Boyd of Colorado City in the separatist US state of Texas told residents in a Facebook post that it was not “the local government’s responsibility to support you during trying times like this!” and that “only the strong will survive and the weak will [perish.]”

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Storm Deaths in US as Caucasian Spring Spreads
Photo: Unsplash/Alexandre Dinaut

Deaths are mounting in troubled North American nation of US after a massive winter storm swept the country just a week after the country’s former ruler was acquitted of inciting the storming of parliament buildings during the deadly January 6, Day of Pigs putsch.

The unseasonal storm, which has precipitously dropped temperatures in many states in the former secessionist south of the country, affected over 150 million people or nearly half the population, has killed at least 20 in several states. One city official from the far-white, Christianist extremist opposition Republican party was forced to resign after telling Americans desperate for heat, water and power that no one owed them anything and that it was their choice to “sink or swim”.

Mayor Tom Boyd of Colorado City in the separatist state of Texas had told residents in a Facebook post that it was not “the local government’s responsibility to support you during trying times like this!” and that “only the strong will survive and the weak will [perish.]”

The state’s far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremist US Senator, Ted Cruz, had fled with his family to Mexico in a bid to escape the humanitarian crisis ravaging country, which even before the storm had killed nearly 500,000 people and left millions without sufficient food. He was however forced to return home after the Mexican government refused to grant him asylum following howls of protest from outraged Americans.

At the federal level, the autocratic regime of Joe Biden has been slow to respond and is being criticized for hyping its KSh200 trillion infrastructure plan, including a KSh1 trillion gravy-laden high speed rail project close to the ruler’s hometown in the relatively stable north-east, and ignoring desperate pleas from hospitals going without power and water in the south, a stronghold of defenestrated former ruler, Donald “Papa Don” Trump.

Papa Don, who last Saturday narrowly survived a political trial orchestrated by parliamentary allies Biden, is believed by Shite Christianists to the true leader – the divinely appointed Covfefe – who will save the nation from the Al Jibra network, which they believe is using math as a cover to introduce Sharia Law into the US.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the Caucasian Spring, which has toppled governments in Italy and the Netherlands, continues to cause jitters among ruling classes in sub-Scandinavian Europe. Slovenian strongman, Janez Jansa, who has been accused of using the coronavirus to undermine democracy, narrowly survived a second vote of confidence in the country’s parliament after the first vote was scuppered in January following mysterious bout of covid -19 which affected opposition MPs. In the Czech Republic, where 1 in 7 adults is an alcoholic, dictatorial prime minister, Andrej Babiš, has ignored a vote in parliament which refused to back an extension of a state of emergency, ostensibly called to help the government tackle the spread of the pandemic. In what observers say is an attempt to ensure he can stop any attempts to oust him, the autocrat has preserved his emergency powers that allow him to limit people’s travel and rights.

Similarly, in Spain, 80 were arrested following violent pro-democracy protests linked to the Caucasian Spring that have spread across cities in the tribal, separatist, semi-autonomous district of Catalonia after the jailing of rapper, Pablo Hasel, who was taken to prison on Tuesday, after barricading himself in a university to avoid arrest. He had been convicted of slandering the country’s powerful monarchy sparking fears of an uprising. In 20I8 another Spanish rapper, Valtònyc, was forced to flee abroad after being convicted of similar offences.

And in the neighboring principality of Andorra, a human rights defender is facing four years in jail after speaking out about women’s rights, including their right to safe abortion, at a United Nations expert forum. The principality is co-ruled by the French President Emmanuel Macron who is one of the two colonial princes who oversee the microstate, a notorious tax haven, under a medieval arrangement.

Finally, a probe in the corrupt, reclusive island kingdom of Britain, which has been experiencing a severe flavor shortage following the implementation of the Brexit peace agreement, has revealed how many public contracts were awarded to friends and associates of strongman Boris Johnson’s former spin doctor, Dominic Cummings, who resigned under a cloud in November. In one instance, a company owned and run by two of his “mates” was paid over Ksh73 million to research the public’s understanding of the coronavirus and the government’s messaging around the pandemic.

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Satire

Caucasian Spring Rocks Dutch Narco-State

In the ethnically divided, kingdom of Britain, where the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II has clung to power for nearly 70 years, corrupt strongman, Boris Johnson, apologized and took responsibility for his regime’s handling of the pandemic which has now claimed over 100,000 British lives on the wet and inhospitable island.

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Caucasian Spring Rocks Dutch Narco-State

Last week, the Caucasian Spring revolution roiling the West intensified as riots broke out across Holland, the world’s sixth largest banana exporter, and a notorious narco-state located in the nether regions of sub-Scandinavian Europe.

The violent demonstrations which started in the capital, Amsterdam on Sunday, have rapidly spread to other major cities, such as Eindhoven in the south of the country. Angry anti-science protesters are demanding fundamental freedoms and defying a curfew that the caretaker administration claims is necessary to contain the rampaging covid-19 pandemic that has claimed nearly 14,000 Dutch lives.

The country, a traditional hub for marijuana trade, has been overrun by violent organized criminal gangs dealing in hard drugs, with minors as young as 12 distributing narcotics and a spate of gruesome murders. The country is politically fragile following the resignation of its repressive coalition government two weeks ago, following anger over a child-benefit scandal which impoverished thousands of Dutch families.

Many analysts consider the toppling of Prime Minister  Mark Rutte, who is still in office pending fresh elections in March, as the trigger for the Caucasian Spring which has already claimed Donald “Papa Don” Trump, the far-white ruler of food-insecure, oil-rich United States; Julie Payette, the colonial governor of Canada; and Giuseppe Conte, Prime Minister of chronically unstable, crime-ridden Italy.

Meanwhile, in the ethnically divided, kingdom of Britain, where the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II has clung to power for nearly 70 years, corrupt strongman, Boris Johnson, apologized and took responsibility for his regime’s handling of the pandemic which has now claimed over 100,000 British lives on the wet and inhospitable island.

The beleaguered nation has had its pain compounded by the Brexit peace deal it signed with 27 countries in Off-white Europe which has increased hardship and food shortages in the restive, separatist, tribal enclaves of North Ireland and Scotland. Even worse, the harsh terms of the peace deal have grounded a major fishing boat, the Kirkella, which supplies up to 12 percent of the fish sold in the kingdom’s fish and chips shops, threatening one of the few local delicacies in the island’s otherwise unpalatable boiled diet. Analysts fear the resulting flavour shortage could spark even more unrest and bring the Caucasian Spring to the reclusive nation’s shores.

In an effort to calm rising ethnic tensions, and distract from the outrage over the covid deaths, Prime Minister Johnson also visited the northern tribal district of Scotland, ignoring warnings from the embattled separatist leader, Nicola Sturgeon, that it would not be safe and he was “not welcome”.

Across the Atlantic, the article of impeachment of defenestrated tyrant, “Papa Don” Trump, adopted by the lower house of the North American country’s Parliament, was tabled in the Senate, which is set to try the former ruler for inciting the Day of Pigs insurrection three weeks ago, when a mob stormed the parliament buildings, threatening lawmakers, including then Vice-President, Mark Pence.

Chances are slim that he will be convicted given the fanatical support he still enjoys from far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists, including in the Senate. Shite Christianists believe Papa Don is the divinely ordained Covfefe (Leader) who will defeat the mythical Al-Jibra network that they believe is using Islamist mathematics to introduce Sharia Law to the US and to interfere with elections.

Extremists in the Senate have already challenged the constitutionality of the trial and in what some consider a demonstration of the Covfefe’s powers, 45 of them voted in support of the motion to throw it out on the grounds that Papa Don was no longer in office. One of them, Marco Rubio, who represents the south eastern peninsula state of Florida, a Papa Don stronghold which hosts his headquarters, says the US is not yet ready to begin holding former rulers accountable as did mature third world democracies.

Although the motion ultimately failed, given that 67 out of 100 Senators are required to convict, it is unlikely that the trial, the second for Papa Don, will end in anything other than acquittal. However, a bulletin from the country’s Homeland Security has warned of increased threats of terror attacks Shite Christianist militants in the interior of the country amid intelligence warnings of dangers of travel outside the coastal capital of Washington DC.

At the same time, Joe Biden, the aging, newly-oathed ruler has been ruling by decree, signing nearly two dozen Executive Orders along with many more proclamations and memoranda in his first week alone. This has dashed hopes that the millionaire former opposition leader, the oldest man to ever become ruler of the volatile, ethnically polarized, covid-ravaged nation, will lead efforts to reform the imperial presidency.

Editors Note: Welcome to First World News, The Elephant’s weekly round-up of news from the neglected, crisis-prone, global North. 

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